A girl generally needs to talk – a lot! Just chatting in an engaged way on a regular basis, from the time speech begins, will get her into the habit of talking things over. This will allow you not only to help with simple things, such as homework – but more importantly, to help steer her emotional growth, as well as to keep things going even when there are difficult times, especially at adolescence. It will enable trust to be built up between you during childhood, and for this to continue after puberty, when family relationships can become strained.
During adolescence, a girl is more likely to take up the values of her peer group than those of her family. Even if it can seem more like simply polite conversation at times, fraught with sensitive areas which must be skirted around, just keep on chatting. This way your daughter will know that, although she seems to be pushing you away, you are still there for her, and that the crucial unconditional love remains as she searches for her own personality and identity. She may often feel very lonely and lost during this stage, and it’s important that she knows she has not lost the secure love of which she was certain in childhood. Remember that in order for her to become an independent, mature adult, she first needs to separate from you.
If things get very bad, or you are worried that she is not in good emotional health, talk it over with your GP or another suitable professional. If your teenage daughter is caught up with others who are not well grounded, or whose family relationships are poor, she may need qualified emotional support – or perhaps a loved and respected grandparent, aunt or godmother can help. She may turn to a teacher or family friend for adult support; if she does, you should not feel you have failed – it is normal.
Our children teach us patience. Our daughters are usually immensely companionable at almost all ages, and while they can be emotionally demanding, they repay it a thousand-fold over time. As adults, should they have children, they will treat their own children as they were treated – generously with love, but with the courage to apply appropriate boundaries at each age, and the ability to defend them as necessary. We model the people our children become. By showing them that we like to spend time with them on a daily basis, we also demonstrate that they are worth everything to us.
Mums and daughters — highs and lows
It starts simply enough – that dear little baby who has stolen your heart. But as she grows up, it all gets more complicated, and your heart melts a bit less when she steals your shoes and your make-up, all the mugs are in her room and she and the car are AWOL.
Maybe she is like you, and maybe not. There is often a unique closeness, as if each seems to see the other as no other can, and they both know it. Over time, the relationship can be quite a rollercoaster, but as well as being the most demanding, it can also be the most rewarding there is. For many women, it is certainly the most important relationship in their lifetime.
The fluency of speech normally developed by girls at a very young age makes possible an exceptional exchange of ideas with their mothers. However, that will include the voicing of negative thoughts as well as deeply affectionate ones. The negotiating power of a 4-year-old girl, especially with her mother, can be astonishingly complex, effective and even manipulative. It can elicit similarly complex responses from the mum, which may not be entirely adult, especially when either or both is tired, as will commonly be the case. More sleep on both sides often cures most problems!
A girl’s mother is her model for life. If you want your daughter to be the best person she can be, you must model the values you wish for her. It helps you to be honest, kind, fair and rational, too, and it gives you the confidence to set appropriate boundaries within which your daughter can operate. After setting these boundaries, you must allow her to negotiate increased freedom over time, and look for reasonably safe ways by which she can become suitably independent, and make her own rules from sensible self-discipline and her own personal wisdom. It helps if you remember this relationship is there for the long term, and that, in time, it will become one of two adults, and later it may well be you who is dependent on her.
During your daughter’s childhood and youth, you should not abdicate responsibility to her just because she is demanding it before she is ready – the grown-ups are supposed to be in control. However, the recognition that even a young girl can make many choices for herself without harm, and that mum should not try to control her daughter, will help both sides to enjoy their lives together as well as separately. A shared sense of humour and confident certainty that all will be well, even though work is required on both sides, will address many eventualities.
It can also help if there is a granny or granny-substitute for you and your daughter to learn from, regarding generational differences and the enduring value of good manners, hard work and respect for others. In time, as the generations move forward, you yourself are likely to be the granny; then, your daughter will suddenly appreciate you all the more. You will have the time to better understand your relationship with your daughter, as she becomes the mum with your granddaughter, and then perhaps sees her own daughter become mum, in her turn.
The changing relationship between mums and daughters
The relationship between mother and daughter is often close until secondary school, when things start to change, and not always in a comfortable way. A larger school, longer journey with more independence, plus the start of puberty, will combine to bring about changes everywhere. You may feel a loss of control for the first time – you will know so much less of your daughter’s school life. The happy child who felt at the top of her tree in Year 6 is suddenly at the bottom of a much larger and more daunting edifice. She will get very tired, very fast. Typically, by the end of that first long term, she will be holding it together at school, but not so successfully at home, and everyone will know it!
You will need to get to know the person named by the school as your daughter’s pastoral carer, and share any worries with them and take their experienced advice. You should try to prepare yourself for a change in your relationship, sensitively offering help at the right time and in the right way, while showing total confidence that your daughter is managing it all very well herself.
Crucially, you must keep speaking with your daughter. This will lay down a structure of support during what is often an even more difficult time ahead. A daily family evening meal keeps things smooth, and can provide an opportunity for regular one to one chats as well. If it’s a school night, it helps if you can ensure that your daughter has a well-organised day. It is a parental responsibility to ensure a pupil gets to school in good time without rushing, is well prepared with all of her schoolwork ready and has eaten breakfast. It is also a parental responsibility to ensure there is a protected time and place for homework, and that she gets to bed early enough to have plenty of sleep, without watching television or using networking sites late at night.
Keeping firm boundaries, while allowing the chance for negotiation of more liberty when appropriate, will keep your daughter secure and confident. Adults must remain in control and model what they want their daughter to do – tell the truth, be open and affectionate, apologise when necessary and keep lines of communication open.
With adolescence comes a pulling away from family, which may carry a great hidden sense of loss of security, and a strong new association with a peer group. This is not a failure of family relationships, but a normal stage of progress. Ideally, an adult is there when your daughter comes home each day, and family values are re-encountered after the heady emotional dramas of school, with family chats over an evening meal. Even during the worst of times of adolescence, a mother is hugely important as a role model and steady rock. It will not always feel like that, but provided there is not a total sense of humour failure, the relationship will, unsteadily, change to one of mutual admiration and support between adults – a source of great contentment on both sides.
Dads — helping your daughter to be the best she can be
Being the dad of a daughter is a great privilege for any man, and it should be a joy. How