5 ATTIRE: Remove noisy clothing to avoid ‘trouser swish’. Corduroy is a favoured fabric for hunters because it’s relatively quiet.
6 SWITCH OFF: Don’t fret, just believe you won’t be heard. The leopard doesn’t have self-doubt as it stalks its prey; nor should you.
To avoid squeaks when opening a door, dab some cooking oil on the hinge with a tissue. It does its work in seconds. To be doubly sure, apply upward pressure as you turn the handle.
A note on carpets: the shorter and tighter the weave, the noisier the carpet. Shag pile is preferred for stalking in slippers. On natural flooring, go for socks; never stalk in bare feet (unless powdered) in case they stick.
THE INDOOR FORAGER
Watching a TV survival expert eating bugs and berries in the wilderness can make you feel you’re missing out. One solution would be to head for the Amazon to root around for edible leaves and medicinal shrubs. But don’t bother; there’s more than enough in the pot plants and vases around the house, and this way you can fit your foraging into an ad break. But do consult your flower guide first, to be certain you know which plants are definitely edible and which plants aren’t.
HOUSE PLANTS AND FLOWERS – IDENTIFICATION GUIDE FOR THE INDOOR FORAGER
Over the page you’ll find my guide to some common indoor edible plants. Always give them a good wash before eating and follow the guidelines closely. If you’re in any doubt, don’t eat it.
SPIDER PLANT (LATIN NAME CHLOROPHYTUM)
Habitat: Usually found in hanging baskets or on top of speakers in a student bedsit.
Edible uses: All of the plant is safe to eat, and the tender plantlets that shoot off the main stem are especially good in a stir fry.
Medicinal use: In India it’s commonly eaten as a leaf vegetable but the real interest is in the root, thought to have a medicinal use as a natural Viagra.
CHRYSANTHEMUM
Habitat: Supermarket flower buckets, funeral bouquets.
Edible uses: The flowers and seeds are edible and the leaves make a tasty tea. The variety called chop-suey greens (Chrysanthemum coronarium spatiosum) is especially good and rich in vitamins; eat young shoots cooked or raw, and leaves raw in a salad. The flower petals, blanched quickly in boiling water, are a decorative addition to salads.
ALOE VERA
Habitat: Designer flats, doctors’ surgeries.
Medicinal use: A handy first-aid kit, especially good for soothing little burns, cuts and grazes. Just make a slit down a leaf, and rub the gel over the affected area. You can eat parts of some varieties, but it’s a bit of a bother and strictly applies to only certain varieties, so best not to go there.
CHINESE LANTERN
Habitat: Auntie’s sideboard.
Edible uses: If you’ve got a sweet tooth, these are for you. The flower is good raw or cooked, on its own or as part of a salad. The longer the flower is open, the sweeter it gets.
MIXED BOUQUETS
Habitat: Anywhere on Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day.
Edible uses: Petals help any dish to cut a dash, so root around in a mixed bouquet for your favourites. Rose petals are especially palatable, a sprinkling of carnations makes a peppery addition to any meal, and tulips have a fresh taste, a bit like cucumber.
Danger! Poisonous houseplants
Every year people are hospitalised after eating poisonous houseplants. Some of the most notorious culprits are the fruit and seeds of the Bird of Paradise plant, Ivy, Caladium, Saddleleaf, Castor Oil plant and Philodendra. Swiss Cheese Plant (Monstera deliciosa) is another. As its Latin name implies, it has a tasty fruit, which looks a bit like a corn on the cob. But this is only edible after a year maturing on the plant; eating it too soon can make you seriously ill, and in some cases even cause death.
THE YUCCA – A ONE-STOP ACTIVITY CENTRE
It’s one of the most common plants in the indoor environment. You’ve been watering it all these years; now it’s time for some payback.
You can eat it, make rope and blankets with it, weave baskets and carve figurines, and it’s the best wood bar none for lighting fires, so it’s not surprising that Native American tribes mythologised the powers of the yucca. If you are prepared to sacrifice part of the root and trunk you have a day of yucca fun ahead, rounded off nicely with this evening’s fire-lighting ceremony.
Which variety?
If you bought your yucca tree somewhere like Ikea there’s a good chance its variety is the giant yucca (Yucca elephantipes) – which has all the qualities mentioned above. Most other yuccas do as well, but it’s best to check. Another common variety is Spanish Bayonet (Yucca aloifolia), which is considered the best to eat.
Uses
YUCCA CHOPSTICKS
Time: one hour
The smooth wood is perfect to eat from, and splits easily. Start with a branch that looks about the right size to get one or two pairs of chopsticks from it and split it down the middle. Whittle away until one end of each is rounded, leaving the other end in its raw twig-like state for rustic authenticity.
YUCCA BRUSHES
Time: two hours
You need to have prepared for this by soaking some leaves in water for a couple of weeks. Now pound them with a stone to get rid of the green pulp until just the fibres are left. Tie a bunch of fibres close to one end. The Navajo would bind one end tight for use as a hair brush; the other, looser, end served as a clothes brush. Or, if you prefer, wind the fibres to make string, rope, baskets or a blanket (maybe just a very small one).
YUCCA FLOWER FRITTER
Time: 30 minutes
To do the least damage to your plant just eat the flower petals; they’re good raw but best lightly cooked (dusted in flour and fried in oil for five minutes). If your yucca has a fruit you’re in for a juicy treat. The stem of the flower is edible too, best peeled and boiled like asparagus. All to be eaten with the yucca chopsticks, of course.
YUCCA SOAP
Time: 40 minutes
Take a bit of the root and crush it in a bowl of water until it starts to go sudsy. The more you work at it, the more lather you get. Now you’re ready for the Navajo hairwash, all the rage in the spas of New Mexico.
THE POWER-ASSISTED YUCCA FIRE-LIGHTING
CEREMONY
In general, friction fire lighting by rubbing sticks is far too much bother. With some dried yucca, however, you have the best chance you’re going to get of pulling it off, which has a certain satisfaction of its own. You can match the TV expert without leaving the living room.
It’s all down to the yucca’s uniquely low ignition temperature. To experience the thrill, without the sweat, here’s what you’ll need: