SOFA SCIENCE LESSON
Whenever kids complain there’s nothing on, then, seize the chance to grab their attention by turning the TV into a cosmic data receiver. Relating it to Star Wars in some way might help too, depending on the demographics. But get it in while you can; before long all TVs will have built-in digital tuners, and it will be much harder to tune into the cosmos by just tuning out.
FORECAST THE WEATHER WITH INTERFERENCE
Once the whole Big Bang thing has sunk in, there’s still more to be done with the static on your out-of-tune radio and telly. This time, your TV is being turned into a weather detector, on the lookout for extreme events in the atmosphere.
ANALOGUE REVIVAL
To pick up the weather you need to be able to tune into the lower end of the VHF (very high frequency) band. This used to be packed with TV channels, but now they’ve mostly moved up to UHF (ultra high frequency), with the lower frequencies being phased out.
And now the onset of digital TV means that all analogue signals, even the UHF stuff, will be switched off, and new TVs won’t be equipped to tune into these analogue signals at all. This means that anyone with a brand new digital TV is going to miss out. It’s only a minor tragedy though; you can always go and dig the old set out of the attic. And if you haven’t got yourself a new set just yet, what better excuse to stick with what you’ve got.
Just because TV’s going digital, the laws of physics have no plans to follow suit, so these weather events are going to be on the same part of your dial for years to come.
LIGHTNING STORM ON YOUR TV
As soon as you hear thunder, get ready to catch a spectacular lightning storm on TV.
You need to be able to tune your TV to somewhere around 55 MHz. In the USA this is where you still find Channel 2. Some French channels broadcast on it too, but in the UK it hasn’t been used since the 1980s. None of that matters, of course, if you can tune it in manually.*
It helps to turn the brightness right down until you have no picture. When lightning strikes nearby it will throw bands of light across the screen, getting bigger the closer it gets.
This used to be a popular way to look out for tornadoes in America’s tornado alley (tornadoes are accompanied by lightning but also generate a signal themselves). So if your set does suddenly brighten for more than a few seconds at this frequency, and you can’t see lightning, it could well be there’s a twister coming in. Time to head for the cellar!
How it works
Lightning causes interference by generating a signal on and around 55 MHz. It’s strong enough to completely light up the screen if closer than 10 miles or so.
GOOD FORECAST, BAO PICTURE
The high pressure that brings good weather has an odd effect on your analogue TV. When the picture goes squiffy the consolation for the urban bushman is that it can be explained with a neat bit of weather science.
If your picture is normally clear and you suddenly start to see evenly spaced stripes or bars across the screen in a ‘Venetian blind’ effect, then there’s good weather on the way. That’s all there is to it really. Try adjusting the aerial. If you can’t fix it, the effect is definitely caused by high pressure. The picture won’t improve till the weather worsens, which seems fair.
There isn’t long left to view TV on an analogue signal, so make the most of this while you can. In our digital future it will become a distant memory. I already have my own nostalgic image stored away of a hot teenage summer trying to watch Borg and Connors battle it out over five sets through the stripey-green snow on the TV.
How it works
High pressure allows TV signals to reach areas they wouldn’t normally get to, which can mean that your TV starts to pick up a new signal alongside the one it’s already tuned to. This co-channel interference is what causes that familiar old Venetian blind effect.
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ZAPPER
A visitor from Mars would know immediately that the TV zapper’s important to us; why else would we give it such a variety of names and appear so bereft whenever it’s out of our sight? It’s our equivalent of the speaking stick that they pass around in mud huts when somebody wants to talk, except of course the zap is usually a sign to shut up. But it’s an honour to hold it, a symbol of power and control. And here’s a technique for keeping it in your grasp wherever you are in the house
Wherever we live, whatever our accent or upbringing, the name we give the zapper changes from house to house; it’s a one-word micro-dialect specific to our home. Some terms are common (the clicker), some are rare (the wand), but hardly anyone uses the proper name (the remote control). Here are some I like: The onner-offer, the flipper, the doofer (or hoofer-doofer), the buttons, the (fat) controller, the trolls, the mote, and my mother’s very own ‘the psss-pssst’.
REMOTE CONTROL FREAK
The beam from the zapper is invisible to humans, and as a result the people you share your telly with prefer not to think about how it works, writing it off as a piece of magic. But really it’s infrared light, which is light from a part of the spectrum we can’t see, and because it’s light it can bounce off mirrors (which shouldn’t surprise anyone, but still does). This all makes for a good way to retain control over your living room.
Just configure a system of mirrors so you have a direct line of sight to the TV from the kitchen/dining room/study. Point the remote at the image of the TV and zap as normal. The rule is: if you can see it, you can zap it. It’s especially handy if the kids are watching in one room and you’re cooking fish fingers in another.
ZAPPER HOKUM
Like all important icons in our lives, the zapper is often the subject of half-truths and outright lies. One claim I’ve seen too much of recently is the suggestion that you can make an emergency replacement with a torch and a plastic lens. Don’t believe it, no matter how convincing the website and video clip may appear. The remote works by sending a digital signature with encoded commands, far too complex to be copied by a flash of light from a torch. The zapper can do many things, but it’s no bullshit detector; for that engage the brain.
CARPET STEALTH
Whether you’re avoiding waking the children, avoiding detection after a night out or avoiding the in-laws, there are times when the ability to creep around the home without making a sound is a precious thing.
This is where you need your slippers. They are to you as the soft-soled moccasin was to the Seminole Indian, the expert trackers of the American woodland. By adapting the wisdom of the Seminole we turn creeping downstairs into an exercise in primitive stealth. Using his feet to feel the way, the noble hunter could creep across the forest floor in total silence, creating a picture of every twig and rock underfoot. If this is too hard with slippers try it with socks* and pick your path between the Lego bricks and those electronic toys ready to go off at the merest touch.
THE SIX GOLDEN RULES OF CARPET STALKING
1 SLIPPERS: Use them to feel the way.
2 HEEL FIRST: On carpet always bring the heel down first.
3 FEET STRAIGHT: On carpet, to avoid a giveaway ‘rip’ as your foot brushes against the pile of the carpet, it’s vital that