What to do:
Dignifying the situation with as little fanfare as you can, turn to face your waiter with a smile as sweet as vin santo (a dessert wine from Tuscany) and deliver the following threat in the same tone you might use if introduced to the Pope.
What to say:
SE NON LA PIANTI DI ROMPERMI TI RIDUCO IN POLPETTE!
“Leave me alone or I'll make hamburger meat out of you!”
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
Unlike elsewhere in the world, where aspiring actors and model wannabes wait tables in order to scrape by and make rent, the service industry in Italy is one that is taken quite seriously. That said, just because your waiter is capable of memorizing who ordered the fried zucchini flowers, doesn’t give him the right to treat you like an uncultured buffoon.
In the know:
While tipping is customary in some European countries, it is not expected in Italy. And don’t let yourself feel guilty about that fact. You’re probably being charged without realizing it for that the carb-olicious basket of bread!
EXTRA CREDIT
Want to tell that waiter what you really think of him? Here are just a few suggestions off our insult menu:
SEI. . .
(You are. . .)
. . .UN MALEDUCATO
(. . .a boor)
. . .UN ROMPICOGLIONI
(. . .a pain in the ass)
. . .UNO STRONZO
(. . .an asshole)
. . .UN TESTA DI CAZZO
(. . .a d**ckhead)
. . .UN PORCO
(. . .a pig)
It’s amore (love)—and it’s official. After months of negotiation, your Italian stallion boyfriend has finally moved in with you! You can practically hear the wedding bells and bambino (baby) coos. You note with pleasure that said ragazzo (boy) seems to have settled into your space almost seamlessly before discovering with horror the following morning that he has claimed one of your three closet shelves for his 19—yes, that’s correct, NINETEEN!—man-bags. When you ask him why a man—really anyone—should need so many bags, he counters that different bags look bello (beautiful) with different outfits. He may as well have just bagged your entire sex life, you’re so turned off.
What to do:
Suggest he reconsider and get rid of at least half of his purses. If he refuses, ask him if he might need a shelf in the bathroom for his makeup, too. If that still doesn’t work, redirect your approach and draw attention to his shrinking manhood.
What to say:
DICI CHE POTREBBE STARCI ANCHE UNA POMPAPER ALLUNGARE IL PENE SULLA MENSOLA?
“Think we can fit a penis pump on that shelf, too?”
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
This is the guy you’re supposed to be spending your nights with. The one you’re supposed to be sleeping with. . .as in more than just sleeping. And he has 19 purses? Your southern half is insisting that you sort out this metrosexual mess pronto.
In the know:
Italian men are truly comfortable with their own sexuality. They use terms of endearment for one another such as bellissimo (beautiful) and caro (dear) with enough ease that you may never feel 100% confident which team any man is really playing for. Things like hugging and kissing each other, staring at themselves in mirrors for long periods of time, and sipping on pink “girly” drinks are in no way indications of any man’s sexual preference.
EXTRA CREDIT
Keep your “man” in check every once in a while with one of these reminders:
VOGLIO UN UOMO CON LE PALLE.
“I like my men with balls.”
E’ PER QUESTO CHE HO UNA RAGAZZA
“That’s what I have girlfriends for.”
SÌ, QUELLA GONNA TI FA IL CULONE
“Yes, your butt does look big in that skirt.”
In the beginning, you didn’t really mind “taking care” of your Italian boyfriend. Little things—like bringing him five Peronis during extra time in a futbol match—didn’t bother you one bit. Then you somehow got stuck doing his laundry when his not-so-white tighty-whiteys began creeping their way into your hamper. But now that he’s got you ironing his work clothes, it’s not just his shirts that are feeling heated. To make matters worse, he just casually informed you that his mother does a better job with the iron than you. Oh no he didn’t!
What to do:
Leave the iron on top of the shirt just until it burns a nice crisp hole in the chest (but not long enough to actually start a fire). You need to show that mamma’s boy just how skilled you really are with hot tools. Then tell him. . .
What to say:
VAFFANCULO A TE—E A TUA MADRE!
“Go f**ck yourself—and your mother!”
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
They both deserve to be cursed since you’re not sure who is the guiltier of the two. While he’s an ingrate, his mother is probably the reason why. Furthermore, insulting an Italian man’s mamma is comparable to vandalizing his Vespa. If you’re looking for a way to hit your “man” where it hurts, always aim for Mommy.