EXTRA CREDIT
Some cultures are more prone to PDA than others. And in Italy, public displays of affection are rampant. As such, you may want to tuck away a few more admonishments:
1. FATE PURE COME SE NON CI FOSSI!
“No really, don’t mind me!”
2. NON VI SI STANCA MAI LA LINGUA?
“Aren’t your tongues tired yet?”
3. SE VI LECCATE ANCORA UN PO' RESTATE INCOLLATI!
“If you make out any longer you’ll find yourselves stuck together!”
Against your better judgment, you find yourself salivating over the Fendi handbags peddled by the very same Venetian “vu cumprà” (street vendor) that your hotel concierge cautioned you about. One particularly aggressive “salesman” insists (in well-rehearsed English) that his wares were made in the same exact factories as the real thing, from the same materials, based on the same designs, and using the same techniques. Your Catholic half reminds you that buying counterfeit goods is illegal and you could be hit with a "fine for fakes" of up to 10,000 euros if the police conduct a sweep and catch you with a knock-off. But your “Sunday-morning-is-for-sleeping-in” half simply can't help herself, especially after watching a hip local purchase the same model you’ve been eyeing for a mere 50 euros. When you go to pay for one yourself, the peddler feigns confusion—suddenly insisting that the bag costs double.
What to do:
Act as if you are reconsidering the purchase and hover nearby until he nets his next victim. Then, once the transaction is about to go down, introduce doubt into the new sucker’s mind by sighing and saying:
QUELLO STRONZO MI HA IMBROGLIATO!
“That bastard cheated me!”
What to say:
The slimy sales guy wants you to cough up a hundred euros for a purse that, to tell you the truth, is a piece of crap. Say to him:
SENTI, NON CREDERE DI FOTTERMISOLO PERCHÉ NON SONO ITALIANO!
“Listen, don't think you can f**ck with me just because I'm not Italian!”
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
The same way friends don’t let friends drive drunk, customers don’t let customers get screwed.
In the know:
In the past decade, Italian police have majorly cracked down on counterfeiters of designer goods in the name of protecting its fashion industry. In fact, in August of 2005, a Philippine woman living in Florence was fined more than 3,000 euros for buying fake sunglasses!
EXTRA CREDIT
Now that you’re speaking in Italian, try thinking in Italian, too! Here’s how your thought process might go if you had actually forked over the hundred euros:
La borsa era tarocca.
“The bag was a fake.”
Ma che cazzo!
“What the f**ck?”
Vuole svuotarmi le tasche!
“He wants to empty my pockets!”
After a 3,000-calorie dinner-and-drink session with your amici (friends), you decide to stroll back to your hotel instead of sharing a taxi with the others. En route you are stopped by a feeble woman in a flowery skirt with a back hunched 85 degrees more than it should be at her age. Cradling a pilly blanket in her arms, she moans pitifully while inching her way toward you. “Bambino, bambino, my baby, my baby. . .” She extends an open-palmed and filthy hand toward your bleeding heart.
What to do:
Put away the tissues, you sentimental fool! There is no starving baby inside that filthy rag. When was the last time you heard a hungry baby keep so quiet, anyway? You've just fallen victim to one of the most common yet ingenious ploys used on tourists in Italy. So don't get sappy, get mad!
What to say:
LEVATI DAI PIEDI!
“Get lost!”
It’s appropriate to say this because. . .
You work for your money. You don’t beg or steal, even though the prospect often sounds significantly more appealing than your 9 to 5 misery. Remember that by giving a an aggressive beggar money, you’re perpetuating the cycle. Help society by teaching those importunate slackers that bumming doesn’t pay!
EXTRA CREDIT
Beggars can be persistent. It may take a couple of rebuffs to make your point. As such, here are some other useful phrases:
NON HO UNA LIRA, CAPITO?
“I've got no money, dig?”
Even though euros have replaced lira in Italy, Italians still understand and use this expression regularly.
LASCIAMI IN PACE!
“Leave me alone!”
And if all else fails, here’s your silver bullet:
CHIAMO LA POLIZIA!
“I'm going to call the police!”
As luck would have it, an important client has taken you to dinner at a Florentine trattoria where the snooty staff doesn't speak a lick of English. Desperate not to reveal yourself to your gourmand colleague as the inexperienced and finicky eater you really are, you seize the moment when he slips away to the WC (bathroom) to beg communication with your waiter. Your attempt at miming a person twirling long noodles around a fork is met with a blank