8. Be more able to work on your own successfully because you will not fear loneliness and will know how to keep yourself charged with positive emotion
9. Thrive on change because you can control the inevitable emotions that accompany you through both welcome and unwelcome transitions
10. Take more risks because you know you can think through consequences without being hampered by your emotional reasoning, and can be confident that you can repair your own hurt and disappointment if you should make a mistake
11. Be more persuasive in asking for what you want because you summon up just the right degree of appropriate emotion to give extra power to your message and ‘hook’ your audience
12. Save money because you do not need to become dependent on expensive stress-relievers such as alcohol, nicotine or ‘crash-out holidays’ to revitalize or repair your shattered nerves, and can work more effectively
13. Have the friendships you want and need because you can manage the fear that often accompanies making the first approach, or the guilt that is often triggered when you finish a relationship if it’s no longer meeting your needs
14. Love and care more freely because you can trust that your heart will not override your rational mind, are able to heal yourself should you be hurt by the relationship, and are immune to emotional blackmail
15. Have a more rewarding sexual life because you can ‘let go’ knowing that you can control your passion when you want to, and are not too frightened to ask for what you want!
16. Be a better parent because you can be more consistent and stable in the way you give love, and more in control of your negative emotions so that they are less likely to hurt your children when they cannot defend themselves. Also you will be better able to help them develop emotional confidence through your role-model and informed guidance
17. Have better physical health because your nervous and immune systems are linked, and pent-up tension from mismanaged emotions puts a strain on your muscles, heart and most other organs
18. Have more control over your eating habits because eating disorders (eating too much or too little) are undoubtedly more difficult to control when feelings are out of control
19. Drive more safely because you can keep calm under pressure and control your frustration and your responses to other people’s ‘road rage’
20. Increase your chances of winning arguments and resolving conflict because you have a better chance of being heard when you can put your case across with ‘passion’ while still maintaining control and the ability to think in a rational manner
21. Take more enjoyment from your own and others’ creativity because you have freer access to the creative powers and sensitivity of your right brain. You can also allow yourself to get ‘carried away’ by art and music in the full knowledge that you can regain control and rational thought when you choose to do so
22. Have more fun because you can be spontaneous and give free rein to your excitement and humour, knowing that you can harness it again when you need to ‘settle down’
23. Be treated with more respect because you don’t make a fool of yourself or lose your dignity by allowing your heart to rule your head
24. Be offered more support from others because you won’t burden them with ‘overwhelming’ emotional needs
25. Have more chances for long-lasting success and happiness because you can stimulate positive feeling which enable you to see the opportunities rather than the problems that fate puts before you. You can also make fuller use of your intelligence and skills, and increase the odds of your chances of enjoying a longer life.
I hope you are now well and truly convinced and longing to get down to the WORK!
– with Emotional Understanding and Skill
Understanding How Feelings Work
I hate driving. It’s not so much the stress that upsets me as the boredom and, more importantly, my lack of confidence when I am behind the wheel. The main reasons behind these uncomfortable feelings are that a) I know virtually nothing about the workings of the machines I drive and b) I am completely dependent on others to help me out should anything go wrong.
Because I am aware of these limitations, I rarely take the driving seat. When I do, I always restrict myself to routes where I know I can readily get help, and I proceed at a very cautious safe pace.
I bet some of you have started thinking ‘No wonder she gets bored and no wonder she’s such an unconfident driver!’ But I would argue that my car is by no means essential to my health, welfare or happiness, so I am quite content to maintain this level of driving confidence and to remain dependent on the knowledge and skill of others to transport me from A to B.
In contrast, I would never again accept being equally ignorant about the emotional machine within me. I am glad that I have now acquired sufficient knowledge about its inner workings to feel free to drive it wherever and whenever I want. I enjoy being able to ‘rev’ its engine up and down to my heart’s content and still feel competent and in control even when I am driving my feelings at full throttle. Should this particular ‘engine’ break down or show any signs of wear and tear, I know how to repair it myself, quickly and efficiently. Although in a major crisis I might one day be happy to turn to professionals for some extra wisdom and support, I’m certainly glad I no longer have to run to them for every minor emotional wobble.
I am not suggesting that everyone needs my level of emotional knowledge to be able to run their own feelings with confidence. But I do know from my work in the self-help field what a tremendous support it can be to have, at the very least, a DIY level of emotional understanding. In recent years there has been a surge in research findings in this field particularly as a result of the developments of neuroscience and brain imaging. I have found these developments fascinating. Psychologists are now better able to see in colourful imagery the emotional response patterns in the brain. They are also more able to say with some confidence how our genetic inheritance affects them. Interesting as these developments are, my main focus is always on how we can gain better control of our problematic emotions. So each time a new piece of research emerges I do a mental check to see if the findings still fit with the self-help methods I use and write about. So far, so good, is my current conclusion!
So I am still confident that the following summary will provide a helpful background to the self-help exercises and strategies in this book. I have tried to keep the language simple and used everyday examples to bring the theory to life. But it will mean much more to you if as you read, you also do the exercises I suggest. These will make the theory even more memorable and useful as you will be applying it to your own personal experiences.
If later you would like to extend your study further on the workings of our emotions, there are plenty of interesting new books on the subject. But the research is developing so fast that you might be best doing regular checks on the internet for the latest findings.