But my inner voice was wrong. Eighteen months later, not only had my emotional health been repaired, I am convinced that it had also been strengthened. Furthermore, I wrote this book in spite of a number of other serious setbacks.
So it was with increased confidence in its contents that I wrote this Introduction. I am quite sure that without the knowledge and skills which I am now sharing I would not have had the strength or motivation to take up my life again in the way that I know Laura would have wanted me to do.
What Is Emotional Confidence?
This is a short-hand term which I use to describe a particular component of self-confidence. We sense it within ourselves when we know we can rely on our ability to be in full control of our feelings.
When I am working on changing some aspect of myself or my behaviour, I have always found it helpful to keep an image of an ideal role-model in my mind. Although ‘good-enough’ standards are all that are required, this imaginary, faultless figure is an inspirational and a useful measuring tool.
PORTRAIT OF A PARAGON
Should some fortunate person ever possess rock-solid, enduring emotional confidence, we would expect them to be able to:
• freely experience a full rich range of emotions from deep despair and gut anger to exhilarating joy and tender love without ever worrying that their heart will rule their head – so they would never think or say:
‘I don’t know what’s happened to me, I just feel dead inside’
‘Nothing seems to get me excited anymore’
‘I’ve lost my sense of fun’
‘I never get angry – what’s the point?’
‘I haven’t cried for years’
• be fully aware of what they are feeling at the time they are experiencing an emotion – so they would never think or say:
‘I don’t know what I feel’
‘When I left there I realized just how angry I was, I only wish that I had said …’
‘It wasn’t until she started flirting with someone else that I realized I really loved her’
‘I’d been so busy that I hadn’t noticed how lonely I was beginning to feel’
• keep their emotional responses under their own control – so they would never think or say:
‘I loved him/her too much – I couldn’t stop myself from …’
‘I just flipped – I don’t know what came over me’
‘I suddenly found myself being as jealous/envious as hell, so I couldn’t resist …’
‘I started to blush and sweat – I had to leave’
‘The tears just came – I couldn’t hold them back’
• readily and steadily fire themselves up with motivational feeling – so they would never think or say:
‘I set goals, but then I just seem to lose interest’
‘I want to change, I’m just too lazy to make the effort’
‘I just don’t care enough anymore – even though I know I ought to’ ‘I’ve lost heart’
• express their feelings at the ‘right’ time and in the ‘right’ place, and to the ‘right’ person – so they would never think or say:
‘I started to shake and I couldn’t stop – it was so embarrassing’
‘I really love her, but I always seem to choose the wrong moment to show it’
‘We were driving into work and I just flew at him – he had to slam on the brakes’
‘I was so mad at him that, when I got home, I just snapped at everyone’
• respond sensitively and sensibly to the emotional states of other people – so they would never think or say:
‘I always seem to put my big foot in it, and embarrass everyone’
‘I just didn’t notice how anxious he was – if I had, I’d have stopped pressurizing him’
‘I didn’t realize she was in such a bad mood – I ought to have known because …’
‘He looked so disappointed, I couldn’t resist – I was stupid because …’
‘She was so angry, I just clammed up even though …’
Unless after reading this you have discovered yourself to be the only paragon of emotional confidence on earth, this book was written for you!
I have designed this self-help programme so that you can work on it over a set period of time, either on your own or in a small group. Reading it and completing the exercises will, first, give you more understanding of how your emotions work, and secondly improve your ability to manage specific feelings. I am hoping that after using it in this way you will continue to keep it in a handy position, because I have tried to design it in such a way that it can be a useful practical tool. Should you ever experience a problem with a feeling in the future (and who won’t?!), you will be able to dip into the relevant section, take some support and remind yourself of a strategy which will help you to regain your control.
A Quick Tour through the Book
WHY WE NEED EMOTIONAL CONFIDENCE
This section is designed to boost your motivation, so I have listed 25 reasons for building and maintaining emotional confidence. I hope that these will inspire you not just to skim lightly through the rest of the book but to work mentally as you read!
PART 1: THREE KEYS TO BUILDING EMOTIONAL CONFIDENCE
Key 1: Tame Your Temperament– with Emotional Understanding and Skill
In Understanding How Feelings Work I have given a brief explanation of how our emotional responses function, and a simple summary of research findings we have to date. There are exercises and check-lists which will help you apply this theory to your own everyday experience of your feelings.
In Skills for Taking Control you will find a questionnaire designed to help you assess the level of your current emotional skills. Should you find that these need improving,