“I’m not really. Just thought I’d see what the rent was. My place is smallish.”
“I’ll keep my ear out,” Cici said.
“Thanks,” Carolyn said. “I’ll let you get back to it. Do you want your door closed?”
“Yes please. I need quiet for my work.”
But it was a lie. She was hiding.
She knew it and she suspected her friends did too, but they were giving her space.
She was the first of their group to be pregnant and she suspected, just like her, they didn’t know what to expect. Her mom, who Cici still hadn’t told about the pregnancy, had been texting her every day.
For some reason her mom had never fully grasped that her adult daughter had a real job and bills. She still wanted Cici to go on every family vacation and be available for any family gathering at the drop of a hat.
That’s why when her phone buzzed she ignored it. She didn’t want to see another smiling photo of her mom, stepdad and twin half-brothers on the steps of Machu Picchu.
She finished tallying up the last column of numbers and then set it aside to take another sip of her drink.
She picked up the phone, surprised that the message was from Hoop and not her parents.
Hoop: Hello, it’s Hoop. Hayley gave me your number. I’ve got an extra ticket to the Yankees game on Friday. Heard you’re a baseball fan. Wanna go? Just friends! :)
She leaned back in her chair and looked at the ceiling in her office. It was a faux exposed beam and plaster number that made the building seem like an idealized French country farmhouse.
Baseball. She loved the game. Before the twins were born, she and her stepdad had gone to every game. Her love of numbers had served her well because she remembered all the stats of players. She might not be able to remember other things but those stats had stayed with her.
Cici: Okay.
Hoop: Great. What’s your address? I’ll pick you up.
Cici: I can meet you there.
Hoop: Friends, right?
She sighed. This friend thing wasn’t as easy as she hoped. She was walking a fine line between letting him into her life and keeping him at arm’s length.
Cici: Yeah. Here’s my address.
Hoop: See you on Friday.
Cici: See ya.
She stood up and walked out of her office, determined to politely tell Hayley to stop playing go between with her and Hoop. But her friend was busy with one of the new apprentice candy makers at the marble countertops. So Cici walked into the retail shop instead.
They were busy for mid-afternoon but it was late May and some tourists whose kids were already out of school were taking a break from the heat and enjoying their famous Candied Apple & Cafe milkshakes.
She waved at the manager as she walked through the store and out onto the street. Immediately she wished she’d brought her sunglasses but she didn’t want to go back inside. Not yet.
She felt restless and she admitted to herself as she walked up Fifth Avenue, past all the shops and tourists, a little bit scared. When she got to St Patrick’s Cathedral, Cici walked up the steps and into the church.
It was cool and quiet inside and she made her way to one of the pews in the back of the church. She took a seat on the cold wooden bench and closed her eyes. In her head were images of the church from when she was younger and she heard the hymns of her youth playing in her mind. She sat there and quietly prayed as she did most days.
For guidance.
She had spent most of her life managing one crisis or another brought on by her impulsive behavior and she knew that she had to change. She wanted to give her child the best in life, starting with a good parent.
She didn’t think about the man she’d slept with or the fact that when she’d called him he’d said he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.
That was in the past. She’d find a way to bring her baby up and shower him or her with so much love they’d always feel wanted.
That was all she could do.
She put the kneeler down and then said the prayers she’d learned growing up. Just the familiar words, soothing her troubled soul, and bringing her a surcease from her thoughts.
When she was done, she put some folded bills from her pocket in the collection box and went back outside.
She was going to have to figure out how to be friends with Hoop. Actual friends. Because every time she saw his name she felt a little thrill go through her and she knew that wasn’t a good idea.
In fact, going to a baseball game with him wasn’t smart either. Before she could change her mind, she pulled out her phone and texted him she couldn’t make it.
She didn’t need another complication in her life right now and it felt like Hoop could be a very big one. She went back to work, filed the taxes and then spent the rest of the day in her new apartment.
She was avoiding Hayley, who’d tried talking to her about Hoop, and Iona, who wanted to go shopping for baby clothes with her. Cici realized that before anything else, she really needed to find her own inner strength.
Cici’s apartment was slowly coming together. It was different from the house in Queens and she hoped that it represented her new life with her baby. She put her hand over her stomach, as was becoming a habit, as if by touch she would be able to connect to the child who was still more of a hazy idea than reality to her.
She sat down on the two-seater couch with overstuffed cushions, leaning on the patterned throw pillow. She put her feet up on the glass coffee table and looked around the apartment.
She’d worked hard for this place and felt a real sense of pride that she’d earned this. The sweeping curved staircase led to the upper floor and her bedroom and the room she was going to make into the nursery. It was a pre-war apartment building that had been completely redone. Her living room had a fireplace with built-in bookcases on either side and she’d lined the shelves with her favorite books. Her childhood favorites by authors like E.L. Konigsburg, Madeleine L’Engle and her collection of Trixie Belden books. She’d started a collection of Dr. Seuss books for the baby. The next shelves held her paperback collection of romance novels, thrillers and of course all the Harry Potter books.
She had pictures on the shelf as well. One of her, Hayley and Iona on the day they’d opened the Candied Apple & Cafe. Even seated across the room she could still see those big grins on their faces. The sense of joy and happiness she got from her job and her friendship with those women…well, that was something she hoped she could give her child too.
Her child.
Sometimes it still didn’t seem real.
She had tried to reach out to Rich…the man who’d fathered her child, but he really didn’t want to be part of her life or the baby’s. She got it. She was the one who was carrying the kid and even she was dealing with, well, the unreality of it. And as Rich had pointed out, they barely knew each other. It had been a wedding party hook up. Not forever.
She let her head fall back on the edge of the couch and looked up at the ceiling with its ornate trim and realized that no matter how together this apartment looked, she was still a complete mess on the inside.
The timer on her smart phone went off and she jumped up. She had plans