The difference with alcohol and chocolate is that you don’t have your first shot of alcohol when you are still in a buggy! This is why the alcohol companies have to work harder initially to manipulate our minds, and then do the same with our taste buds as most have been developed by the time we have our first hit. But with chocolate it’s a whole different kettle of creme eggs. It seems perfectly normal and natural to mix in some chocolate powder with a baby’s milk before they’ve even learnt to pronounce ‘Ovaltine’, let alone make a conscious decision to make some for themselves. If you were fed ‘neat’ cocoa as a child you would spit it out since your body’s natural defence mechanism would kick in and scream, ‘This is a type of poison – stop doing it’. If you’re in any doubt, give your dog high percentage cocoa-rich chocolates, second thoughts don’t as you would run a considerable risk of killing them – yes, killing them! The high concentrations of theobromine found in dark chocolate can easily send the heart of your dog racing so fast that it has an attack. Humans are more robust when it comes to this heart stimulant, but the natural tendency to spit out neat cocoa should still tell us that it is not good for us. However, if all you were presented with on a regular basis was neat cocoa powder, your body would eventually adapt and you would end up acquiring a taste for the ‘hard stuff of the chocolate world. This is why people can end up believing they like the taste of cigarettes – proof in itself that our amazing survival mechanisms and taste buds can adjust to just about anything (except Brussels sprouts – I don’t think they fall into this category!)
So considering that the chocolate we were presented with as kids had already been ‘alcopop-ed’ as it were, with sugar, chemicals and artificial flavourings, and since we were given these bars/boxs/slabs by way of a ‘reward’ at times when we were feeling good anyway, is it any wonder that the vast majority of people acquire a relationship and taste for the stuff?
Because our taste buds are conditioned to what we are presented with over and over and over again, the relationship built up with chocolate will depend on the culture in which you are brought up. The British tend to like the caramelized flavour of Cadbury’s, the Swiss prefer milkier chocolate such as Lindt and Toblerone, the Italians prefer the darker bitter creamier chocolate such as Baci and the US like Hershey chocolate – a brand that just doesn’t cut the nougat overseas with a taste that’s been described as ‘burned leaves and toasted rubber’. In fact, to the pretentious chocolate connoisseurs, Hershey chocolate is considered ‘offensive’ if not completely ‘inedible’. Hans Schu, a Swiss national, goes one further by saying, ‘Milton Hershey completely ruined the American palate with his sour, gritty chocolate … he had no idea what he was doing. Who in their right mind would set out to produce such a sour chocolate?’ A friend of mine who travels to the States on a regular basis said that ‘Hershey chocolate tastes like sick.’ However, to the chocolate-loving people in the US, Hershey chocolate tastes blooming lovely, thank you very much. It’s only the European chocolate ‘connoisseurs’ who profess that it doesn’t taste as chocolate should – but how should chocolate taste? Well, in reality no one knows.
Unlike other ‘foods’, chocolate doesn’t have an official ‘chocolate taste’. Strawberry is strawberry, orange is orange, and lemon is lemon no matter where you go in the world, but chocolate is always a little different. This is because each variety of cocoa bean produces its own unique perfume and each results in a different chocolate taste. Also, each different method, different milk and different chemical used in the making of chocolate produces different flavours. So, it is not the taste of ‘chocolate’ you love, as all chocolate tastes different, it is the taste of the variety you are used to, the variety that was fed to you before your taste buds had a personality of their own. And the chances are, unless you are one of the rare few who like only 99% cocoa solid chocolate (which I doubt, as you wouldn’t be ‘hooked’ so you wouldn’t even be reading this book), then you don’t actually like the taste of chocolate at all. What you have been conditioned to like is some bitter tasting powder that’s been covered and processed with all kinds of addictive rubbish to make it taste sweet and creamy.
‘BUT JASON – EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S BETTER THAN SEX’
Even though the mass-market sweetened, chemically-driven chocolates, taste much, much better than high percentage cocoa solids, I would still argue that the whole ‘delicious … unique … orgasmic’ taste thing is one massive exaggerated story. Think about it – we all have stories where we have exaggerated them slightly to give it a little more spark. Now sometimes we say the same story so often that in the end even we end up believing it. Is it possible that exactly the same thing could have happened with the ‘taste’ and ‘feelings’ of chocolate? Is it possible that all this ‘Oh, the way it melts in your mouth’ or ‘It’s simply orgasmic, better than sex’ is in reality a load of old tosh?
Like so many things in life, the idea of having it is much better than the reality and what we must realize is that the idea of the fabulous taste of chocolate is constantly being perpetuated by the media, advertising, the GODS and, funny enough, by ourselves! Haven’t you been out for meal and tried to sell the idea of a chocolate dessert to others so you were not alone in your drug-food moment. And didn’t you exaggerate it, oh so slightly? You know, ‘Go on, how about some delicious, ice-cool chocolate ice-cream?’ or ‘They do a devilishly gorgeous full chocolate gateau – go on, you only live once.’ In truth, once the GODS have got us, they might as well save their money on advertising – we end up doing it for them for free! But why? What is sooooooo special about the taste? Show me one person who actually puts a piece of chocolate into their mouth slowly, lets it melt slowly, and slowly savours the flavours, and I’ll drink some of that sanguinaccio! The truth is we’re on to the next chocolate or bite of bar before the first has had a chance to hit the sides. All this stuff we expound – ’It’s simply heaven’, ‘It’s better than sex’ – in truth (excuse my French), it’s all bollocks, isn’t it? It’s stuff we’ve said and heard said over the years and it’s a neat way, if we’re honest (?), of helping to justify our intake.
Let’s look at the Flake ad again. There she is, a beautiful, slim woman, not a care in the world, in a bathroom that’s bigger than my flat. She is orally, seductively having a Flake in the bath.
Impression – it’s better than sex! Have you ever actually tried eating a Flake in the bath? You get bits stuck on the roof of your mouth, bits in the bath and you never really know what to do with those bits left in the wrapper. You make a sort of funnel with the wrapper, place one end in your mouth and turn yourself into a human chute, praying you don’t get it everywhere. You then say, ‘Oh, I wish I hadn’t had that’ – funny how you don’t see this on the Flake ad, isn’t it? Britney Spears was once quoted as saying, ‘Chocolate for me is just like an orgasm’ (she needs to get out more!). Having a bar of chocolate is not better than sex, no matter how often people say it. However, if you actually do believe that, then instead of eating more, trying to attain that pleasure, may I make a suggestion – CHANGE YOUR PARTNER! (or buy some chocolate love toys.)
DAYLIGHT SNOBBERY
The taste thing has, like with wine, got completely out of hand. Now there are even professional chocolate tasters and official chocolate connoisseurs – once again the word ‘bollocks’ springs to mind. At Mars’ chocolate-making plant in the US, a panel of professional chocolate tasters meet every day to taste the goods. You may think that this sounds like the best job in the world, but like wine tasters, they’re not allowed to swallow, and the chocolate they taste hasn’t even been sweetened. So if you think about the roasted cocoa beans from Cadbury and my friends wanting to be sick, all of a