The husband’s presence is essential to perform certain tasks: his absence angers the spirits.
A woman’s husband may assist the midwife if the delivery is complicated. Some Caticugan women cling to their husbands, who encourage them to exert greater effort during labour.
Massage is a therapeutic treatment closely associated with the traditional management of pregnancy and delivery in the Philippines.
During labour massage is often used to hasten a dilatory foetus. The woman may also stand and then squat to facilitate birth.
South East Asian Birth Customs, Dinn. V. Hart, Phya Anuman
Rajadhon and Richard J. Coughlin
Everything comes full circle it seems!
Birth Partners
It may still happen that a woman wants her mother present, especially if she is single, but usually – and quite naturally – it is her partner she will choose to help her give birth.
Heidi: ‘I was terribly hurt when my son said, “Don’t come to the hospital, Mum.” And “We’d rather you weren’t there when we bring the baby home.” It was only later that he told me he had said this because he felt concern that, due to the fact that his mother-in-law had recently died, it would make his wife sad if his mother were too much in evidence. In the event I did get to see my new grandson in hospital, born eight days early, but a fine big baby, and they were happy for me to be at the house, where I had everything clean and ready and a meal cooked, when they brought him home.’
Marge: ‘My husband went to bed but I stayed up sipping brandy and milk, with my son-in-law ringing me from the hospital in London every so often. It’s a drink I’ve never drunk before or since! I think I needed it because the birth was not easy. I felt helpless and yes, I did wish I could be there, though in a cowardly way I was glad I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have liked to see my daughter suffering. The baby got stuck and she ended up having to have a Caesarean. I was utterly delighted when I heard it was a boy. I hadn’t made up my mind but that’s what I hoped it would be. Why? I like men.’
Pam: ‘When my first grandchild was born, although it was April, there was such thick snow that I couldn’t get to the hospital to see him. I felt terrible about that. It made me remember that exactly the same thing happened when I had my first child. There was an April blizzard and my mother couldn’t get up from Wales to visit us.’
Sophie: ‘Although my daughter had no real difficulties, the actual birth was a real trauma for me. I felt awful. I would rather have been having the baby myself, I felt so useless and helpless. I was completely uptight and I had no one to share it with, being on my own.’
Kay: ‘I was with my daughter during it all and she was fantastic! She never made a sound. Only when the doctor said, “One more push, Sally, one more push.” Then she gave a sort of long squeal, and there was my granddaughter! I had arranged for music to be played: Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel. The nurse loved it so much she wanted to know what it was. She said she would play it for other mothers giving birth because it’s so soothing.’
Joan: ‘The actual birth was a terrible, horrible time for us. We knew that she had gone into hospital, that she was in labour, but time went on and time went on and there was no word. I kept phoning the hospital but they just told me, “No, there’s no news yet” and were generally very cagey. Eventually we went to bed, but of course I couldn’t sleep. Early in the morning I phoned and they said, “Yes, your daughter has had her baby.” I said, “Is she all right?” and they said she was. I was so relieved it was only afterwards that I realized I had forgotten to ask whether it was a boy or a girl! At last my son-in-law rang to say, “We have a baby daughter. Can you both come to the hospital now – we’re shattered.” We were delighted to go. I had felt so totally helpless that it was a relief to be able to do something. Yes, I would have loved to have been with my daughter but I felt it was not my place.’
Martin: ‘Although I was excited and full of anticipation, I must admit I did feel an awful sense of strain whilst my daughter was giving birth, and tremendous relief when it was over. To be there was the last thing on earth I would have wanted. I could never stand it when she was little and skinned her knees. That broke me up enough. I couldn’t bear seeing her suffer if I couldn’t take the pain away. But we older men weren’t allowed anywhere near our wives when they were having babies and I can’t help feeling we missed out.’
Peggy Writes
I knew that Mum wanted to be with me during the birth, and felt very guilty about excluding her. I think I’d also want to be with my daughter, and can quite understand the impulse. But I just felt that I might not be able to do it with her there. Firstly, there is the privacy issue – we have never been a family to walk about the house naked. But more important than this was my concern that, were she there. I would feel like a daughter, and not like a mother myself. My Mum is very, very sympathetic and nurturing, and I worried that her concern would weaken me. My husband, on the other had, is extremely pragmatic. With him there, I felt I’d just have to get on with it – which I did!
So … the big event is over. To everyone’s joy and excitement, the baby has arrived. You hurry to the hospital and gaze upon the new infant. Don’t worry too much if you don’t feel deep affection for him or her at once. I found, from talking to others, that what happened to my husband and me is very common. Though you are proud and happy, you feel at first a little shy of the baby, of this little stranger who has arrived in your lives. Often there isn’t the immediate bonding that happens with your own child. But then, quite suddenly – sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but always when you are least expecting it – you fall helplessly and head-over-heels in love with your grandchild. You are utterly besotted and in a state of infatuation which, happily, will last for as long as you live!
The Immediate Postnatal Period
Now you can really come into your own as grandparents, if time and circumstances allow. I have often thought that not only should the father have compassionate leave, but perhaps one or other of the grandparents as well! As Dr Christopher Green wisely says, ‘Grandmas and grandpas are some of the most valuable, and least utilised natural resources.’
The immediate postnatal period is perhaps the most stressful of all for new parents, especially for the mother because her hormones can be very unsettled after the birth. I remember sitting in the car going home from the hospital with my new baby on my knee (yes, it was before the days of baby seats – or even safety belts for that matter; I don’t know how any of us survived!) and completely panicking: I CAN’T DO THIS! I DON’T KNOW HOW! I’VE NEVER BEEN A PARENT BEFORE! HELP!
