As women, one of the hardest facts we have to face up to is our loss of fertility at quite an early age in comparison with men. All I can say to comfort any grandmother-to-be with faint yearnings in this direction is that these feelings are usually extinguished by the birth of the grandchild, when you can re-experience almost all your maternal delights without the sleeplessness and anxiety that went with them the first time around.
As for all you young-looking grandmothers and grandfathers-to-be, you can look forward to astonished faces and flattering remarks: ‘You can’t be a grandparent – it’s impossible!’
R.U.S.C!
After receiving the news, try to remember that you still have several months in which to psyche yourself to become R.U.S.C! – RELIABLE, UNCRITICAL, SUPPORTIVE and CALM. Practise the skill of biting your tongue before offering a suggestion, unless you are appealed to directly for your opinion – and even then think carefully before replying. Above all, prepare yourself for any ideas you might come up with to be rejected as old-fashioned and completely ridiculous. Learn to smile in a jolly way when you are made fun of. Try to remember what you were like yourself as a young mother or father, and how you felt when your parents or parents-in-law made what seemed to you utterly unsuitable suggestions. Acknowledge to yourself that things keep moving on, especially ideas on childcare. Remember even the late, great Dr Spock was somewhat discredited in the end – especially by himself!
A fine method of whiling away the time before the birth is to find out which childcare books (if any) the parents-to-be are reading and read them yourself. A great deal of potential conflict can be avoided if this is done. You may not entirely agree with every new idea, but at least you will have an informed opinion – and more insight into what has contributed to their choices. Much better to discuss calmly the various methods and theories before the birth, than to argue and criticize later when the young parents are struggling to do their best as they see it. An intelligent mind is an open mind, and that has nothing to do with age.
Celebrate!
For the moment, just think of the fun you can have rushing around telling everyone that you’re expecting your first grandchild and observing their reactions. Not everyone will be interested; some may even look at you with a pitying expression (‘Poor old thing, you really are past it’), but good friends will share your delight, especially those who already have grandchildren themselves. So, if you are among the lucky ones who have just received the big news, go out and celebrate. You are about to move on to a new and wonderful time of your lives!
The Pregnancy and Birth
So, you’ve come to terms with the idea of the pregnancy, and excitement begins to grow along with the bump. But, oh, how long it seems to take! What can you do to be most helpful? Again, this very much depends on individual situations. Is the mother-to-be on her own? Do you live near? Is she having an easy pregnancy? It’s very often a play-it-by-ear scenario, but probably the best thing anyone can do is to let it be known that they are available if needed, even if it’s just for reassuring chats on the phone. Keep as closely in touch as possible, without seeming to be constantly checking, which can be rather irritating – as one young woman found:
‘My mother-in-law kept phoning me on an almost daily basis, closely questioning me as to all my symptoms: what I was eating, was I getting enough rest, and didn’t I think I should give up work sooner than the time I had planned to take my maternity leave. It drove me mad. It was like a take-over bid. Eventually I got so incensed that I said to her one day, “My own mother doesn’t ask me all these questions.” That really put the cat among the pigeons. She went into a right huff and I hardly heard from her again until after the baby was born. Bit of a relief, really. But I felt badly about it. After all, she was only trying to help. But everything’s all right between us now and she’s actually a super grandma.’
Many pregnant women welcome help with housework or shopping, especially in the later months of pregnancy, when it can be bliss to have an afternoon nap while somebody else copes. Make sure that any food you might provide at this time is healthy and safe (i.e. no rare beef or soft cheese, etc.), and encourage the pregnant mother to eat a balanced and healthy diet. During my daughter’s first pregnancy, my general knowledge about diet and health improved immensely, and it made me wonder how on earth I had managed when I was expecting her and was in a state of ignorance about the healthiest options.
Lots of women of my generation acknowledge that they didn’t know the first thing about healthcare when they were carrying their children, and some share feelings of guilt about that unawareness. One grandmother-to-be admitted that she secretly read up on contemporary childcare because she knew she was going to stay with her daughter for the first two weeks after the birth and she didn’t want to show how much she didn’t know or had forgotten.
Others say that they didn’t read any childcare books then and they’re not going to start now. They maintain that a woman ‘knows these things by instinct’ and insist that ‘young mums read far too many of these books nowadays’. While I do not entirely agree with them, there is no doubt that Mother Nature does often step in when needed.
When I was young I drank and smoked, not to excess, but more than I should have. As soon as I was pregnant I was unable to do either. Even the idea of a drink made me feel sick, and a smoky atmosphere was unbearable. As for coffee, I had to cross the street to avoid the smell from a coffee shop or cafe, far less drink any. No one really discussed pregnancy then (I’m talking about the early sixties) let alone gave you advice about it. I remember playing Alison in John Osborne’s Look Back in Anger and when it came to her line, ‘You see, I’m pregnant … ’ there was an audible gasp from the audience. No one said that word then except doctors. It was all euphemisms: ‘She’s in the family way.’ ‘She’s expecting a happy event,’ or in vulgar parlance, ‘She’s got a bun in the oven.’ There were no proper antenatal classes, and you were still expected to draw as little attention to your condition as possible. I was recording a television series at the time, and I had to keep rushing out to be secretly sick in the ladies’ room. I pretended I had an upset stomach, as I was afraid that if I made my condition known too early, they’d give my part to someone else (which they probably would have done).
I would love to have had the knowledge that young women have today. Not all of them follow the guidelines, but most do and have healthier, happier babies as a result. It is wonderful to realize just how woman-centred pregnancy and birth care has become, thanks greatly to the work of The National Childbirth Trust in Britain, but also to women themselves. Many in my generation do indeed look back in anger to the way we were treated when doctors ‘knew best’ and we did as we were told.
Women were often forced out of control of their own bodies, and giving birth was too often medicalized to such a degree that to make any individual request was considered being ‘difficult’. Pethidine was frequently administered without our asking for it, with a resulting loss of mental alertness in the mother, and the potential problem of its affecting the baby. Although I’m sure this was done in an attempt to relieve any suffering, it was not always ascertained