Hi Damir!
I heard that everything is not so well in your family. Do not be upset… I had the same problems, too. The main thing that you have to know and always remember is that you are LOVED! Sometimes grown-ups get tired and forget to show it and say it.
Do not get carried away by toys, they will not help you in difficult moments. I want you to know that I will always be here, especially in difficult moments.
Your friend
After reading it the first time, I did not even understand the content. Only after re-reading it several times, I understood the essence and even began to imagine a secret agent under cover or some superhero who takes care about me. But later something happened, that made me completely forget about the letter.
June 1998; Astana was declared the capital of Kazakhstan. Dad was transferred to an even higher position, provided that he moved to Astana. For several days my father considered the proposal and wanted to refuse, but another scandal with my mother effected on his positive response. And here we are standing at the threshold of the house, seeing off my father. Mom looked discomposedly somewhere afar, and father knelt, hugging me. Then he said to me: “Train more, you will soon become a champion, my invincible Ali” and kissed on forehead. Getting on his feet and looking at mother, he only said: “Do not be offended at me, that’s necessary. This is a job”. Mom stood immovably, father took the bags in his hands and left the house, closing the door behind him. Mom’s face immediately darkened and she burst into tears. She covered her face with her hands and shrank like an embryo on a sofa in the living room.
– “Mom… Mommy… don’t cry, please,” I whispered in her ear. But she didn’t hear me. I tried to do everything possible to bring her to her senses: making laugh, soothing, scolding, but everything was in vain. After another unsuccessful attempt, I completely despaired and give up, silently sitting next to her.
At first, my father often came home, but each time our meetings were rarer and shorter. Every time mom met him as the most honored guest: she cooked him many different delicacies, looked good. But quarrels and rebukes continued anyway. Finally, they made a difficult decision. Mom and Dad knocked on my door. Mother was very upset, so father took the initiative in his own hands and hesitantly started the conversation:
– Sonny, Damir… mother and I love you very much. You are the most valuable that we have. But, you know, sometimes adults can no longer live together. Do not be afraid, I will not leave you. I will buy you gifts as well, and when I come we will walk together, – he looked at me with guilty.
– Yes, son. You and I will move to the apartment, and dad will completely move to another city, – Mom explained to me.
– If you want you may live here, no one drives you out, – said father to mother.
– I’ve already made a decision. I don’t need anything from you. I have had enough reproaches, I will live in the apartment, which my parents left to me, – mom answered inexorably. Unwittingly, they again were completely wrapped up in their problems and offenses. I remember how I was desperately trying to stop them, so I shouted: “Shut up! Not again!” Parents looked at each other in shock.
– Enough! Why can’t we live together like before? Dad, mom, love each other, – I take their hands and put them together. But they immediately withdrew their hands and began to explain to me that they can no longer live like this and now they are getting divorced. They said that I still was a child and would understand them when I get older. That day I did not give up until the last and begged them to reconcile, but they were unswayed. I probably wept all the tears out and simply could not accept that now “mom” and “dad” are separate. I will always remember this evening, for me it lasted forever.
In the end, as my mother said, we moved into a small apartment. Furthermore, mother refused any “handouts” of father and his parents: home, cars, financial assistance, and any help in general. But my father made sure that my room did not differ from the previous one: it was also filled up with toys and a new batch of gifts. Dad did not spare anything for me, except for the most expensive – time. And my mother, on the contrary, caters to me, spoon-feeds me. After a while, it began to annoy me greatly. Grandparents tried to help Mom and dissuade her from divorce, but Dad forbade them to interfere in their relationship.
Thus our new life began, in which there is no more luxury, no high position in society, and most importantly no father. All my mother’s friends immediately turned away from us as soon as they heard about the parents’ divorce. Now she is no match for them. Mom decided to get a job and still did not accept Dad’s help out of pride. Perhaps in this regard, the next three years were extremely difficult. Mom changed about ten jobs. Finally, she accept the fact that every penny is worth the effort. All these problems left a significant imprint on her appearance. She changed a lot: due to tiredness and sleepless nights she has become very thin, her face has looked drawn and she has had dark circles under her eyes. Mom became a different woman, and I… and I more and more went into my shell. Recently, she found a more or less steady job as an accountant’s assistant and, because of a lot of work, came home late at night. She paid me attention only with a kiss on the forehead. And I found comfort only in online games and hardly noticed her.
A couple of years later, my father announced that he had married and that I would soon have a little sister. I began to hate him and his new wife, especially when I heard my mother was crying at night. My soul was tearing apart, but how could I help? Besides, my father tried to enroll me in various courses and workshops; he wanted me to follow in his steps. As he says: “You must mean something in this world! You have to be ahead!” But I didn’t want to do anything as a matter of principle! The thought was spinning in my head: “Mind your own family! And don’t touch me!” I think that he understood this and over time began to call less and less. And our calls were reduced to a minimum – only once a year on my birthday.
The First love
Having changed an elite gymnasium school from to an ordinary high school, I was faced with a lot of insults in my address. And my classmates had more than enough reasons for this: I was a fat “nerd”. Yes, I have self-mocking humor.
My mother was completely absorbed in work all this time, so she has no time for me. At that time I was in the seventh grade, just the puberty period. Perhaps that is why the mockery of my classmates had no end; they didn’t even bother and called me either “fatty” or “nerd”. I didn’t have any friends, even the teachers were not very appreciated me, maybe because of my appearance. Therefore, to go there was very difficult for me, they bullied me, hid my things and name-calling constantly. I could not fight them back, just could not, probably, I didn’t have enough courage. All I had to do was to ignore them and silently go to my desk.
But there was one reason for which I did go to school. And the reason was Ms. Ida Swan, a World history teacher: she was a fourth-year student at a pedagogical university. But I fall in love with her not because she was the most beautiful and cutest woman, but after one history lesson. The topic of the lesson was: “The Rulers of the World.” She wrote down the theme on the board and turned to us:
– So, kids, tell me first, what great rulers do you know? – she addressed the class.
All the students began to shout out.
– Genghis Khan? – uncertainly said boy at the third desk.
– Hitler! – exclaimed an A student.
– Stalin, – confidently said the girl, sitting next to the A student.
– Alexander the Great! – shouted from the back a C student.
– Very good! You are right! – she commended, – Now tell me, what do you know about them? Not as rulers, but as people, their personality