The Playful Parent: 7 ways to happier, calmer, more creative days with your under-fives. Julia Deering

it is possible to help young children learn not just to wait, but how to wait – how to find their flow again – by tapping into their intrinsic desire to be busy, productive and playful. We can guide them back to independent play by using gentle, simple and playful methods. Being able to find something to do – something that is constructive, calm and absorbing – is a highly useful skill that can stay with toddlers right through childhood and into adulthood. Knowing our children have this skill means we parents can get the space we need should we wish to do something for ourselves (without wondering if our child is ‘getting up to no good’) even if it’s just sitting down and collecting our thoughts for a minute or two.

      So, my second way to play is about helping toddlers and preschoolers find their flow of independent play again; when we need them to amuse themselves constructively while we get on with something else.

      TV or not TV? That is the question . . .

      Of course, a very tempting way to get young children to wait – to be quickly absorbed, quiet and captivated – is to plonk them down in front of the TV, or, if we’re out and about, by handing over our smartphone or iPad. And the truth is this tactic will usually work like a dream; our children become quiet, still and occupied, giving us that much-needed downtime or the opportunity to complete a task that needs adult-only attention. But problems will arise if we rely too much on the screen as a babysitter.

      When the TV is constantly on, often it becomes just something in the background to our little ones, even if it is set to a channel showing programmes aimed at them. They either end up ignoring the screen in the corner all together – and so it loses its power as an attention-grabber or babysitter – or they become totally addicted to it. It is a drug, after all.

      Where a generation ago nearly all preschool programming was limited to certain times of the day (and was advert-free), now there’s TV for tots around the clock. Turning it off can be a real battle because there are no longer any natural breaks, not least because we are always shown what will be on next to keep our little ones tuned in. Apps and computer games are the same – there’s no sense of them ever ending, you can simply ‘play’ the games again and again.

      In a recent Yale Family Television Research study teachers described children who watched excessive amounts of TV as less imaginative, less cooperative, less enthusiastic about learning and less happy as those children who watched little or no TV. The reason being that by watching too much TV or playing with computer games too often, children may eventually find it difficult to keep themselves busy at play in the real world, and might lose their natural creativity. Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, explains that in the first few years of childhood, genuine interactive first-hand experiences are much more important than technological toys. She quotes Dr David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family, ‘If we orientate our kids to screens so early in their lives, we risk making media their automatic default activity.’ Whatever your App says it can do for your child’s learning, it cannot provide the real-life, hands-on activities that are so important for young children’s healthy development – it’s how they learn about the world around them. A hands-on approach to toddler learning beats high-tech hands down.

      From a physical perspective, too much TV watching and playing computer games can drain a little one’s naturally high energy levels, making them far too sedentary. Physical play is very important to toddler growth; it builds strong muscles and helps children discover what their bodies can do. Small children naturally want to run, jump and climb, but as Sue Palmer suggests, too much screen time may result in them becoming sluggish, frustrated or fractious. She also cites some research in Scotland showing that three-year-olds weigh more than their counterparts of twenty-five years ago because physical activity levels have dropped off so dramatically.

      I’m not saying that a little TV watching or a short time on screen-based activities can’t be useful (in fact, it features in the chapter Stay and Play), it’s just that now there is so much on offer 24/7 that we have to be really on top of just how much our little ones are exposed to.

      But here’s the good news: by having other, more playful, options up our sleeve, we can nurture independent play habits for our children as they approach school age; play that is creative, often physical, involves learning and is in the real world, in real time. As the National Literacy Trust tells us, encouraging independent play is much more beneficial to toddler and preschool learning than anything our children will see on screen.

      Setting the rules for screen time

      If you do occasionally want to use screen time, here are some tips that may help to keep you in control:

      

Set limits in advance and be disciplined about keeping them.

      

Consider showing full-length feature films in a series of instalments.

      

Choose what your tot watches and uses wisely and always supervise them as they watch. Even better, stay and play with them while they are involved in any screen-based activity.

      

Think of TV and App use like sweets; you’d never hand over a whole bag of assorted treats to your tot – too many would make them sick, and you never know if there’s a hard toffee or a choking hazard of a boiled sweet in there. Select, share and limit the treat.

      10-second set-ups are a way to play

      By offering simple, self-explanatory and open-ended play prompts that either surprise or are somehow linked to what the adult is trying to do at the time, we can provide an initial spark of interest. The activity should then captivate, involve and absorb a young child for many independent minutes at a time, so freeing us up to feed the baby, make that call or open the mail. In time, they will start to come up with their own ideas – self-initiating positive play when they find themselves at a loose end.

      There are numerous benefits to 10-second set-ups, both for you and your toddler or preschooler:

      

you get some downtime.

      

you have the opportunity to complete that task that needs adult-only attention, enjoy that cup of coffee, or have that conversation with another grown up.

      

your child goes back to being happily occupied, playing.

      

your child masters how to play independently and how to keep their flow of concentration.

      

their attention spans are given a good workout and will become more robust and lengthy.

      

your child becomes used to parents or carers being present but not required.

      

he or she develops numerous skills through playful activity.

      

you both get some quality time alone, but together.

      

a child’s temptation for sneaky ‘mischief-making’ behaviour is vastly reduced.

      Which 10-second set-up?

      The aim of any 10-second set-up is to promote