#4 Don’t Fear the Waxer
Listen, you can have all the work in the world done. You can get Botoxed and Restalyned till you’re smooth as a balloon; you can have your boobs lifted to your chin and your tummy tucked into your backbone.
But if you don’t wax down there, anybody who gets close enough – and that includes the entire changing room at the gym – is going to know you’re old.
Waxing is one of the major differences between young and older women. We came of age feeling it was sacrilegious to so much as pluck one hair; they decided to shear most of it off. And even when we thought maybe we’d surprise our husbands for our twentieth anniversary, we were nervous. We saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin, after all. We knew it was going to hurt, plus be embarrassing, plus who knew what kind of diseases we might pick up.
If you’re a Waxing Virgin, don’t be afraid. It’s not that bad. And the alternative is even worse: old below the belt.
40-YEAR-OLD BIKINI-WAXING VIRGIN? 9 THINGS TO EXPECT
1 The waxer will be waaaay more comfortable than you. After all, she’s done this lots of time before.
2 While it’s not strictly necessary to trim your pubic hair before you get waxed, waxing is easier if the hair is shorter to begin with, so you may want to get a head start.
3 If you’re getting an American wax – which is just a basic clean-up – you can leave your panties on. The waxer may twist and/or knot them to leave the sides of your groin area exposed for waxing.
4 A French wax is, technically, when you take most of the hair off, leaving only a ‘landing strip’ down the centre front, which can be anywhere from a thin line to a couple of inches wide.
5 A Brazilian, which you’ve undoubtedly heard about, is technically getting it all taken off – though you can also specify a Brazilian with a landing strip, which some people call a (yuck) Mohawk.
6 The varying terminology means you can’t just resort to some euphemistic shorthand such as ‘I’d like a Brazilian’ and be sure you’re not going to walk out of there looking like a plucked chicken. Unfortunately, at least the first time, you’re going to have to spell it all out.
7 Does it hurt? Yes, though a couple of aspirin taken a half hour before can help. Lotion or baby powder and wearing a soft pair of tracksuit bottoms instead of stiff jeans home from the salon is also advised.
8 The big question: Why do it? Sex, baby. Assuming you’re not parading around regularly in a string bikini, feeling sexier – and looking hotter – is the only conceivable rationale for a bikini wax.
9 The bigger downside: if you like it, you’re going to have to keep doing it. How often? As frequently as every three or four weeks. Ouch!
#5 Avoid Direct Confrontation
Maybe it’s this silent, desktop world we inhabit. Maybe it’s the new culture of positivity and triumph over depression. But having a big confrontation, complete with shouting, threats, revelations and tears, is a decidedly old, out-of-it thing to do.
If young people want to drop you or stop seeing you, they’ll just stop returning your messages. Or defriend you on Facebook. If they’re angry about something you’ve done to them, they’ll blog about it. Or send topless pictures of you on their mobile phones to all their friends. I’m not kidding.
So what do you do if you have a problem with someone young? First, do some deep breathing, take a yoga class, smoke a joint, drink a martini – whatever you need to do to get in a more, ahem, relaxed mood. Then, if you must raise the issue, do so electronically, couched in passive-aggressive – or even passive-passive – language. Say you’re having some ‘issues’ with the ‘process’. Or rather, say ‘I’m wondering whether you’re having an issue with our process?’
Question marks at the end of every sentence are good. Then, if the other person responds, don’t reply. Or take at least twice as long to respond as he or she took in the first place. If you’re as wise as you should be by your age, you’ll learn to keep your mouth shut until the problem disappears by itself … or the offending young person moves away.
#6 Don’t Leave a Message
This is a weird one, contributed by my nineteen-year-old son Joe. Only old people leave voice mails, says Joe. Young people, accustomed to communicating by mobile phone rather than landline, figure that their missed connections will see their number in missed calls and return the call if they want or need to talk. Urgent message? Send a text.
Since discovering this tip, I and several other old people of my acquaintance have tried it with amazing results. Before, when I had something important to tell a student or an assistant or a child, I’d leave a long, detailed voice message on her mobile phone … and never get called back.
Then I tried leaving a short, detailed message: ‘Call me as soon as you get this.’
Maybe three days later, I’d hear from her – when I’d forgotten why I called in the first place.
Then I started using the magic technique. Say nothing. Just hang up. And like magic, the young people in my life started returning my calls instantly.
What this tells us:
Unlike you, when a young person doesn’t answer his mobile phone, it’s not because he a) didn’t hear it, b) forgot to charge it, or c) left it in his other bag. When a young person doesn’t answer his mobile phone, it’s because he saw your name and number on the screen and didn’t want to talk to you.
If you leave a detailed message, she’ll be so annoyed that she won’t listen to the message, nor will she call you back because she’ll be under the illusion that she’s already talked to you – or, more precisely, that you’ve already talked to her.
If you say nothing, you’ll be speaking his language (see #77: Don’t Fear the Silence). Plus, he’ll get nervous that what you have to tell him is so bad or so good you couldn’t leave it on voice mail. Plus, he’ll be curious. And he’ll call you back.
#7 Don’t Dance to ‘Sexual Healing’
Dancing to a sexy song – especially an old sexy song – is probably all right as long as there aren’t any other people around – particularly any young people. But if young people are watching, attempting to get lost enough in moving to the music to enjoy it, much less be any good at it, will be impossible. All that snickering will make you too self-conscious.
Plus, you know, sexy dancing is different these days. Instead of face-to-face, people dance doggy-style. The unsubtle-yet-accurate name for this kind of dancing is ‘grinding’. I really don’t think this is something you want to attempt in public – at least, I don’t want to see it – but in the privacy of your own home, you might want to give it a go.
HOW TO GRIND, IN 6 EASY STEPS
1 If you are a woman, stand by yourself and move your hips in a figure eight motion. Look bored and unfocused, not smiling or making eye contact with anyone – as if you were, say, wiping down the kitchen counters.
2 If you are a man, approach the casually dancing woman from behind. Touching her hips, press your pelvis lightly against her buttocks and begin moving in rhythm with her, following her lead. Do not make any untoward thrusting motions, and try not to act as if this is the most exciting thing that has happened to you since you were fourteen.
3 Continue rotating your hips in tandem. The woman in front can raise her arms or hold them out to the side while dancing. The gentleman behind her can touch her hips and stomach or run his hands up and down her sides, though all this touching must be done gently, never forcefully. Basically, touch as if you’d just met the person, not as if your penis had taken up residence in her butt.
4 Partners can switch positions, with the