One of our more vivid memories is that of frantic two-year-old Hayden running after us as we drove away. We stopped, even though we could see that Jim was right behind her, and reassessed our plans to go out alone. As we comforted her, listening carefully to her words and her expressions, we saw that her need to stay with us this time was much greater than our need to leave her behind. It was not hard for us to switch gears. Because of the way Hayden was able to communicate, we did not feel manipulated. The three of us set out together, feeling good about the way that we listened and were heard.
Yes, we occasionally felt a touch of doubt. “Are we creating an eternally dependent child who will never wean from us?” It’s easy to feel that way, because you can see only a short distance into the future. Yet deep down we knew that what we were doing was right. We understood why at age two she couldn’t stay in the nursery at church without one of us with her. When she still wouldn’t at age three, we were embarrassed. Then, lo and behold, at three and a half she happily waved good-bye and didn’t look back as she hurried off to her Sunday school class. What a relief to see her find her wings and experience church as a secure place to be because we had not forced her to be independent before she was ready. Hayden weaned from the breast at four years and from our bed at four and a half, when baby sister Erin arrived. (Of course, we shared these milestones with only a few, select friends. Most assumed Hayden had crossed those bridges long ago.)
attachment parenting
Throughout this book you will read the term “attachment parenting”. This is the parenting style that we began to learn with our first high-need baby and one that has proven to be a valuable management tool for high-need babies whose parents we have counselled. Attachment parenting is a high-touch, highly responsive way of caring for your baby that helps you feel close to your baby and your baby feel close to you. Consequently, your baby is able to cue his needs better and you are more intuitively able to read his cues and needs. It helps you and your baby get connected and helps you enjoy one another more. Actually, attachment parenting is not just for high-need babies. All babies need a higher level of attachment than our culture generally recognizes.
This style of parenting gets you and your baby off to the right start. By breast-feeding, carrying your baby a lot in a sling, and giving a nurturant response to your baby’s cries, you gradually feel more comfortable and competent at baby care and more open to refining your style of parenting until you find what works best for you and your baby, without the fear of spoiling or being manipulated.
Attachment parenting is not an indulgent, unstructured, permissive style of childcare. On the contrary, it teaches parents how to respond appropriately to their child’s needs, which includes knowing when to say no to the child and helping the child learn to manage her own needs. Attachment parenting begins with giving the infant roots, then helps her develop the wings to become independent, and ultimately gives her the tools to become a solid and secure person.
lesson
Hayden not only had higher needs, but they lasted longer.
her discipline needs were higher
We had been used to three compliant kids. When we held their hands, they turned in the direction we wished. With Hayden, we knew compliance would not come easily. Our earliest clue was her body language. Whenever we tried to redirect her impulse, her whole body would stiffen in resistance. We tried to turn her toward a safer activity; she turned toward the street. She was trying on her power. Back to the drawing board for discipline. As Hayden grew, it remained clear that we couldn’t force our control over her – and should not try to. We needed to consider Hayden’s sensitivity in disciplining her. This became more obvious as she got older, and she indicated to us that she needed to be given an active part in her own discipline. Any time we operated solely from our point of view, discipline was a dismal failure.
Hayden as a toddler was a determined explorer, and many times we would have to match her persistence with our own calm determination to stay in charge. When she reached for the knobs on the stereo, for example, we would matter-of-factly remove her to another place in the room and distract her with another activity. We had to repeat this redirection at least fifty times before she got the point. But even when she was only one year old, we felt it was important for us to command her respect.
Hayden’s impulsiveness, we feared, would get her into trouble. She climbed up on furniture or counters only to realize she couldn’t get down. Our knee-jerk reaction, rushing in to interrupt her climbing, only fed her determination, and hovering over her anxiously in these predicaments was enough to make her worry and be less surefooted. So, instead of letting our faces reflect our anxiety, we showed confidence in her ability to climb. Hayden picked up on our confidence in her; she realized that we, too, felt that she could handle the situation. We structured the environment so it was safe to climb, and then assumed the role of spotters, being on standby to catch her if needed. The rest was up to her.
Sometimes it seemed wiser to under-react when Hayden was frustrated. As the first daughter, she was often being aggravated by her three older brothers. Yet we couldn’t be rescuing her each time, nor would we have wanted to, since a certain amount of frustration is necessary for healthy development. So she developed “spunk” very early. If Hayden came running to her in distress, Martha would calmly say to her, “Do you need my help?” Usually Hayden managed on her own, knowing Martha would intervene if the aggravation developed into teasing or harassment.
The older Hayden got and the more experienced we became, the more confident we were in saying no to her. We believed that because she was a solid and secure child she could handle being thwarted at times and not having her needs instantly gratified. After all, the persistent personality of a high-need child sets her up for frustration, so she’d better learn how to handle setbacks.
lesson
Our job was not to prevent frustrations in Hayden’s life, but rather to help her learn how to manage them.
Continuing to command Hayden’s respect was one of our most difficult challenges at every stage of her development, and especially important when it came to the issue of talking back. When she became disrespectful toward Martha, I would quickly intervene, “Hayden, I will not tolerate you talking like that, especially to someone I love.”
It’s easy for a child with a dominating personality to overpower the parents. Out of sheer exhaustion you give up, give in, and take the path of least resistance. Early on, we feared that because of her persistent personality Hayden would have difficulty accepting authority figures. (Our fears were later confirmed.) Dealing with Hayden was a constant contest of wits and wills. Sometimes we simply had to put on our parent-in-charge hat and say, “I’m the parent, you’re the child, that’s that!” Other times we had to walk with her for a while on her path before gradually rerouting her onto ours. This forced us to divide our conflicts into “biggies” (non-negotiable situations that required her compliance) and “smallies” (trivial, yet annoying, situations that threatened neither Hayden’s respect for us nor her emerging self-image).
Early on we realized that learning to live with Hayden meant channelling her unique personality traits to work not only to her advantage but also to our advantage. Her keen awareness made her more sensitive to our moods, so we learned that when Hayden was being childish we had to be “adultish”. Hayden taught us the concept of mirroring: children, especially hypersensitive ones, easily pick up their parents’ moods. If a tantrum was about to erupt and we reflected an “it’s okay, no problem” attitude, she would often mirror our peace and settle down. If we let ourselves get angry or