What helped us get over the fear-of-spoiling and the fear-of-being-manipulated mind-set was the realization that it was better to err on the side of being over-reactive and over-responsive. As we worked on developing a balance of appropriate responses, there were times when we responded too slowly and times when we jumped too quickly, but we felt that when in doubt, it was better to be responsive. Children who are perhaps indulged a bit (as many firstborn high-need children are) will at least develop a healthy self-image and trust in their parents. With this foundation it is easier to back off a bit as you try to create a healthy balance between parents’ needs and child’s. The child of parents who respond too little develops a poor self-image, and a distance develops between parent and child. This situation is harder to remedy. I have never heard parents in my paediatric practice say that they wish they hadn’t held their baby so much. In fact, most, if able to rewind their parenting tape, would hold their baby more.
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When in doubt, we listened and responded to her cries. She was trying to tell us something.
We also considered one of the earliest teachings that Martha had learned as a nurse and I had learned as a physician: first, do no harm (primum non nocere). We decided that if we tried to squelch Hayden’s personality, we would be doing her harm and crippling her development. Our job as parents was not to change Hayden into a behavioural clone of every other baby. It would have been wrong to try to change her. (How dull the world would be if all babies acted the same!) It was better to widen our expectations and accept her the way she was, not the way we wished she was. Our parental role was like that of a gardener: we couldn’t change the colour of the flower or the day when it would bloom, but we could pull the weeds and prune the plant so it blossomed more beautifully. Our role was to channel Hayden’s behaviour and nurture her special qualities so that instead of being a liability, these temperament traits would later work to her advantage and serve her well.
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Our job was to accept Hayden’s unique personality, appreciate her special traits, and channel them into behaviour that would work for her, and for the family. It was not to change her for our own convenience.
Sleep, or rather the lack of it, became a major problem. Actually, for the first six months Hayden slept quite well, waking once or twice at night to be fed. She slept in a cradle right next to our bed, and when she stirred, Martha would nudge the cradle into motion or pat her. Unless she was hungry, she’d settle right back to sleep. Then Hayden learned to sit up, and the cradle was no longer safe. We replaced it with a cot up against the wall about twelve feet from our bed. Somehow she knew that was too far away, or maybe it was that the cot couldn’t be nudged to rock. She woke more and more, until one night she was awake every hour. Martha said, “I don’t care what the books say, I’ve got to get some sleep.” Whereupon she nestled Hayden next to her in our bed. Once we discarded the picture of a self-soothing baby sleeping solo in a cot, we slept together happily.
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Hayden was not a standard baby, and standard baby advice wouldn’t work. Once we regarded her not as a behaviour problem to be fixed but as a personality to be nurtured, living with her became easier.
We found we had to be selective in choosing people with whom to commiserate. When we discussed our parenting dilemmas with friends, we came away feeling as if Hayden were the only baby in the whole wide world who couldn’t satisfy herself during the day or settle herself at night. We concluded that no one could understand a baby like Hayden unless they’d had a baby like Hayden. Eventually, Martha found some like-minded mothers and surrounded herself with supportive friends. One of these women was a La Leche League leader who had recently moved to our community. A La Leche League group was started, and the mothers who came to the meetings gave and received valuable support.
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We stopped complaining to people who didn’t have a child like Hayden. Instead, we looked for support from people who truly understood our child and our parenting style.
Hayden didn’t fit any of the usual labels. She really wasn’t a “fussy” baby, as long as we held her and attended to her needs. “Demanding”, was just another way of saying, “spoiled”. She wasn’t “colicky”, since she didn’t seem to be in pain. Nor did the tag “difficult” ring true; some may beg to differ, but we were finding that holding and being near a baby to whom we were becoming so attached was not all that difficult. Besides, these labels were too negative for this little person who seemed to know so positively what she needed and how to get it. It wasn’t until five years later, after talking with other parents of babies who also needed to feed so often, needed to be held a lot, needed human contact at night, that the term “high-need child” came to us. It best describes the kind of baby Hayden was and the level of parenting she needed.
In my paediatric practice, I discovered that the term “high-need child” was P.C. – psychologically correct. By the time drained parents came to me for counselling about their demanding baby, they had already been on the receiving end of a barrage of negatives: “You hold her too much.” “It must be your milk.” “She’s controlling you.” All this advice left parents with the underlying message of “bad baby because of bad parenting”. They felt it was somehow their fault their baby acted this way. As soon as I offered the description “high-need child”, I could see a look of relief on the faces of the parents. Finally, someone had something nice to say about their baby. “High-need” sounds special, intelligent, unique, and it shifts the focus to the baby’s personality, relieving parents from the guilt of believing that their baby acts this way because of their parenting. Further, “high-need” suggests that there is something parents can do to help this baby. It underscores the idea that these babies simply need more: more touch, more understanding, more sensitivity, more creative parenting.
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Redefining our baby in more positive terms helped us focus on her exciting qualities rather than her inconvenient ones.
our high-need child grew and changed
Needs change, but with Hayden her need level remained high. Hayden became a high-need toddler, then a high-need child, and we now tease her about being a “high-cost” teen. Her needs did not decrease as she grew; they merely changed (and so did our responses!)
Since as a baby Hayden did not willingly accept substitute care, we started something new in our town – we took our baby with us. With three older children, we had a lot of school meetings and events to attend, plus social gatherings with friends and hospital colleagues, sailing outings, church services, and so on. Everyone got used to seeing the three of us there.
Because she was breast-feeding, Martha could easily keep Hayden quiet when it was necessary. Usually, because her needs were satisfied, she was a joy to have around. No one objected to her presence. If it was obviously a “no kids” thing, we just didn’t go.
We thought things would change when Hayden became a toddler, but we were definitely still in attachment-parenting training.