Immediately, the man raised in a slum chimed in, “I know just what you mean. I was blown away by my girl’s sophistication, too. We went to a restaurant, and she put her napkin in her lap and ordered me to put mine on my lap. Wow—she almost knocked me off my #@*&# chair.”
I use these two men as examples for several reasons. Both women were very attractive, but neither man mentioned it. These very different men made statements that reflected the feelings of 46 percent of the men we interviewed coming out of marriage license bureaus. This convinced the female researchers that men are not quite as shallow as most women believe.
But the main reason I cite these men is that both—along with almost half of the others who had just gotten engaged—said they knew there was something special about their women as soon as they met. Like nearly half the men we interviewed, these men admitted that sexual attraction was a factor in their choice of a bride, but claimed it was not what clinched their decision.
Making a Good First Impression
When you walk into a room, have a pleasant look on your face, but not a big grin. Why not? If you have a big smile on your face when you walk in but the minute you start talking to someone that smile disappears, it sends the message that you don’t like the person you are speaking with. Smiling is important, but most people, especially women, need to tone it down. What generally works best is the look you get on your face when you’re about to smile. Then you can break into a real grin when you meet someone, which lets him know you really are pleased to meet him.
One of the keys to making a good first impression is to match your verbal with your nonverbal messages. When you say, “Pleased to meet you,” you need to look and sound pleased. A majority of those we surveyed told us they were attracted to people who seemed to like them. It sounds very simple, but it’s a little trickier than it sounds.
About 80 percent of the people we surveyed thought they could charm others if they set out to do so. But research shows that when most people deliberately turn on the charm, they smile too broadly, and the people they meet see their smiles as artificial. Rather than create a positive impression, they either create no impression at all or, worse, turn off the very people they intended to charm. We found that many women come across as overly friendly, something you should be careful to avoid.
Practice being charming in front of a full-length mirror. Start by trying to look like a person everybody likes. It may take a while, possibly several sessions of ten to fifteen minutes, but almost everyone who role-plays being upbeat and friendly in front of a mirror eventually ups her charm quotient considerably.
Second Impressions
What I refer to as a “second impression,” most people would call the second part of the first impression—and they’re right. The division is artificial, but it lets us break down a first impression into teachable elements.
The first element of a first impression is primarily nonverbal. It’s the message you send when you walk into a room, before you open your mouth. Obviously, first impressions are not always nonverbal. Often when you meet someone for the first time, you shake hands and start to speak immediately. But it’s easier to learn the nonverbal elements of a first impression separately from the verbal parts. That’s how the young women who practiced the nonverbal elements outlined in my sales training manual made themselves more attractive to men. The women had mastered sending signals that created a good first impression. In fact, they learned to turn on those signals at will, which enabled them to charm not only men but just about anyone they met, as well. As you might imagine, they found it a very useful talent.
Several skills you can master with relative ease will help you create a good second impression: a good handshake, a friendly recognition glance, smooth, measured movements, a pleasing voice, conversation skills, listening skills, and the ability to send a friendly message. I could spend a chapter on these skills, but a few simple instructions will suffice.
If you’re not sure of your handshake, practice it with both male and female friends. When you first catch a person’s eye, an I-am-about-to-smile look announces that you’re friendly. While you don’t want your movements to be quick or jerky so you appear nervous or unsure, you don’t want to appear stiff or dull either. Try making a video of yourself greeting people, and become your own body-language coach.
Next, record yourself speaking in different situations. Go to a speech teacher if you don’t like what you hear. (Make sure you find someone qualified. Go to a local college or university and hire someone from the speech department as a coach.) If you aren’t a good conversationalist, become an expert on one or two noncontroversial topics that interest most people, such as sports, the arts, the latest best-selling book or hit movie, the stock market—any subject you believe will interest people. (Avoid religion and politics until you become more comfortable.) Then say a few words about the topics. Be confident without being pompous. Keep your remarks short and leave “air space” for the other person to respond. Good conversationalists are good listeners, and good listeners spend at least three times as much time listening as they do speaking.
Role-play the part of a pleasant, friendly person while speaking into the tape recorder for ten to fifteen minutes every day for two to three weeks. It’s important that you don’t just look friendly and upbeat but sound friendly and upbeat, as well. Try not to judge your voice. You’re used to hearing yourself in your own head, and most of us sound better there than anywhere else. Many people are unpleasantly surprised by what they hear, while others miss obvious flaws such as an unflattering accent.
Ask friends for their opinion or—even better if you can arrange it—get more objective feedback from strangers. Give your tape to a friend and ask him or her to play it for someone who doesn’t know you, then solicit from the listener their impression of the person on the tape. If the description is negative, work on improving and retest. The good news is, almost everyone improves—some dramatically—within a few months. If you don’t see improvement, take acting classes, or put yourself in situations where you’re meeting strangers on a casual basis in low-risk settings that almost force you to interact—volunteer to help organize a local charity event, for example.
Unfortunately, to create a good second impression, you’ll need to master at least one very difficult skill: You have to maintain that pleasant, friendly look. It is harder than it sounds. Once you stop thinking about looking friendly, you’re likely to fall into old habits, coming across as your old, less approachable self. The message most of us send is no message at all: I’m not happy or unhappy, I’m simply here. Worse, 20 percent of us, without realizing it, send the message that we’re unhappy and do not care for most of the people we meet. The main reason men don’t like women when they first meet is that the women nonverbally announce they do not like the men. That isn’t the message most women want to send or think they’re sending, but it’s all too common.
Old habits are hard to break, and how you hold your facial muscles is just another habit. After you’ve mastered looking friendly and upbeat in front of a mirror, practice doing so two to three times a week for fifteen minutes. Once you can maintain a pleasant expression on your face for an extended period in front of a mirror, you can move to the next exercise.
Role-play meeting men in front of a mirror. The goal of this exercise is making that pleasant and positive expression part of your everyday life. You want that look to become your everyday “walk-around” face—the face you wear when you go to the supermarket, mop the floor, shine your shoes, eat lunch, talk to a friend, attend business functions, and, of course, encounter men you would like to meet. It should become as natural as breathing. You will have succeeded when you can maintain that pleasant expression without thinking about it—unless, of course, you have good reason for not looking pleasant.
After the mirror work, the best way to make that positive look a permanent