We ran across at least fifty men we could identify as stringers. They can be very dangerous. I estimate each one is responsible for at least two women remaining single. They are destructive because they con women into wasting their time during the years when they are most attractive and most likely to get a proposal. They stay with women, live with women, promise them marriage, and string them on and on indefinitely.
There is one surefire way to identify these men—they are usually repeat offenders. If a man had even one long-term relationship with someone else, he’s very likely to be a stringer. If he does not set a firm date, be on your guard.
Biological Clocks
We spoke to 121 men in their forties who were marrying for the first time. Their reason for marrying was different than that of the younger men we interviewed. Many of these older men were eager to marry because their biological clock was running. Obviously, a man’s biological clock isn’t the same as a woman’s, but men are often in just as much of a hurry to have children. They’re not worried about physically being able to father a child, but about being a father to the child. Men forty-two and older who were about to marry looked forward to having children, and they almost unanimously pictured themselves as fathers of sons. They want to be young enough when their sons come along to teach them all the things fathers traditionally teach their sons—to ride a bicycle, to fish, to play ball, and so forth. The most important reason these men had for marrying was that if they waited much longer, they wouldn’t be able to be active fathers. So if you meet a man in his forties who tells you he’s eager to have a son so he can do those male-bonding things, know that these things are very important to him, and they’ll dramatically increase his readiness to marry.
Unpolished Jewels
We talked to dozens of men in their late thirties and early forties who had given up on the idea of marrying. Most lacked one of three things—looks, height, or social skills. They had been rejected so often that they had despaired of ever finding a woman who would love them or even put up with them. Many had been treated cruelly by women. If I heard it once, I heard it a dozen times: “If I could find a nice woman, I’d marry her tomorrow.” If you meet a man who has never been married and seems excessively shy, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you, particularly if he’s in his late thirties or older and not socially gifted. If you signal your own interest, you may find a nice guy who would love to settle down.
These men have been rejected and demeaned for years by women because they weren’t tall enough or handsome enough or smooth enough. It’s easy to understand why they’re so reluctant to put their egos on the line once more. If you meet a man who appeals to you, don’t let his lack of social skills dissuade you from showing you’re interested in him. Only after being convinced you like him will he be able to summon the courage to ask you for a date. You may even end up having to do the asking, but it might be worthwhile: These “diamonds in the rough” are often strong candidates for marriage.
There are literally hundreds of thousands of men and women in their forties and fifties eagerly seeking mates, but somehow they can’t seem to find each other. The main reason, I believe, is that those in both groups have been emotionally battered in the dating game, and they’re very gun-shy. If you can help a man overcome these feelings, you may find a real diamond in the rough. I know it’s a hard thing for a woman to do, but if you can put yourself on the line just once more, you might be rewarded with a wonderful guy.
One thing impressed me: The men who were not married were just as nice, just as intelligent, just as hardworking as the men who were. Maybe that’s why seven out of eight men aged fifty and over who were about to marry for the first time were marrying women who had been divorced. These women told us they saw lack of social skills or a few inches in height as a minor detail, because they had already had a man who was tall or suave, and he hadn’t made a very good husband.
Bad Investments
There is a possible drawback to dating a man aged forty or older. Many men at that age begin to look at women and marriage as a poor financial investment. There’s no other way of putting it. When you ask them why they’re not married, they tell you they spent most of their lives building a nest egg, and they’re not about to share it with some “babe.” In our interviews, they often used such derogatory terms when speaking of women. They talked as though a woman’s only interest in a man is what she can get out of him. The irony is that many of the men who spoke this way really didn’t have all that much anyway. Today, many of the women whom these men think are after their money earn far more than they do. If a man talks of marriage as a financial game in which women are out to make their fortunes, don’t just walk away—run! Such men are hardly ever going to be the marrying kind.
I’m not suggesting money is a subject that couples shouldn’t discuss when they’re thinking about marriage. All couples need to discuss money, especially when either partner has assets and responsibilities. Just don’t base the discussion on the assumption that either one is out to take advantage of the other.
Parents’ Marriage
Another factor that determines whether a man is likely to get married is the success, or lack thereof, of his parents’ marriage. This, of course, affects women as well. We found that many single men and women in their late thirties and forties were products of divorce. With the men, in most cases their parents’ marriage broke up when they were young, and it seemed to have affected the way they looked at life. The difference between older children of divorce and other confirmed bachelors is their reason for not being married. Older single men whose parents had a good marriage say, “I’m not getting married because I’m not ready,” “I’m not the marrying type,” “I enjoy being single.”
Older unmarried men who are products of divorce complain about marriage itself. They’d like to get married, they say, but they don’t have much faith in the institution; it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. They believe in living together, because in their minds, once people marry, the romance ends. They usually don’t keep their feelings a secret. If you talk with them about marriage, they tend to be very open about what they believe. Men from divorced homes do marry, but they’re a bit reluctant to do so. Often the women had to drag them to the altar. Obviously, since it plays such an important role in a man’s decision making, the marital status of a man’s parents is one of the first things you want to find out.
(If you’d like to investigate further the effect of divorce on adult children, read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein, a book I discovered after I had completed my research.)
None of this is to suggest that if you meet a man whose parents were divorced, you should immediately cross him off your list. About half the people in America fall into that category, and you’d end up with a very short list. But it’s definitely one of the things you should bear in mind and ask about when you are dating a man you’re considering marrying. I can’t tell you exactly how much impact it will have on any particular man’s decision to marry, but I know it can be a big stumbling block.
Socioeconomic Factors
Another crucial factor that influences the chances of a couple marrying is socioeconomic mix. If both members of a dating couple come from the same or a similar background, they’re substantially more likely to get married than if their backgrounds are dissimilar. Date men who will fit in with your friends and business associates. Opposites may attract, but men and women from similar backgrounds marry.
So bear in mind that a man is much more likely to marry you if he is from the same socioeconomic background as you are.