I don’t really remember the rest of my journey home but I remember clearly walking up the stairs to my apartment, realizing that it hadn’t been a dream and that we were really done. In that moment I had to pause on a step because this thought hit me right in the heart. The pain was tangible, as if some string had abruptly snapped in it. That’s how I learned what it feels like to be heartbroken… I’m glad it first happened the way it did, though. Even if the reason might not have been entirely what you told me, you were tactful and discerning enough to have mercy on me and choose the words you did, so that my self-esteem wouldn’t wobble and fall apart.
That final spring stretch of the year was pure torture. Noticing you in the halls and not being able to come up to you, hug you, and talk made me lose my sleep, appetite, and cheerfulness. At some point, seeing how bad I was, you lent me your watch, which was huge and too loose on my wrist but which I still loved, on the condition that when I gave it back, I would consider it was really over between us and move on. I wore it every day and felt better. Indeed, when you asked for it back after a while, I returned it with a heavy heart but I was more prepared to accept that we were no longer together.
By the end of the school year, I had resolved to have as much fun with my friends at the graduation party as possible. We all dressed up and had our hair done really beautifully for the prom, where we took lots of photos and danced the night away. However, the single best part of the evening, etched into my memory as one of the brightest and purest moments of joy in this lifetime, was when I suddenly felt your strong arms envelop me on the dance floor. It was so sweet and intense that my whole body still remembered the warmth of being in your arms and dancing together a good few years later. Truly, it is the best gift I have ever received from you.
The rest of the summer, with its university entrance exams, was incredibly stressful and busy. In other words, I had no time or emotional energy to think of anything other than starting this new chapter of my life. However, a few months later, I got my first ever mobile phone, which had the numbers of my parents and a few friends, but it was missing… yours. By hook or by crook, I managed to get hold of it and had to gather all my courage to text you. To my surprise, you were pleased to hear from me, and I was overjoyed! Word after word, walk after walk around the university campus, everything felt both familiar and fresh. Once again, I became completely helpless in my growing infatuation, and I simply couldn’t stop what I had started.
Back then, I was bitter and confused about our relationship not developing into something bigger and better, about it breaking off where others only get going. But when I came to think of it more, I found it perfect: we both got what we needed to move forward without any fears or anxiety, knowing the best of each other and leaving out the worst.
You have always been genuinely happy to see me and hugged me like the dearest of friends; and I’ve always mirrored it back. You often invited me to house parties (both yours and your friends’=)), took me to dance clubs and for long night rides in your car, and even shared a huge bucket of ice cream with me once when I was at my lowest. You were considerate and protective of me, and I appreciate it enormously. Over the years, I have often had basically the same dream with slight alterations in the setting: I come to a crowded event, where I know absolutely no one, and almost start panicking, but suddenly I see your brown eyes smiling at me in the middle of that human ocean, we hug each other, and everything becomes right with the world. Thank you for that and for everything we have shared in real life. It’s so easy and enjoyable to think of you; I always do it with a smile on my face – and in my soul. There was almost nothing complicated about the time I knew you and spent with you. It’s something I’m going to keep safe in my memory forever.
Chapter 8. My Soul Sister
Whenever I think of you, I immediately feel all warm and fuzzy. That is the effect you have always had on me, right from the very first time we met.
I returned home from my first two-month summer trip to France and started a third year at university. Life seemed too dull and mundane in contrast to the excitement and new experiences of traveling abroad. A good friend of mine, whom I have known since before high school, once took me out to a new café that she liked for its warm and cozy ambiance and delicious desserts. It didn’t click in my mind at first, but I bet she wanted to cheer me up and lift my spirits, so I greatly appreciated her thoughtfulness.
The place was called Chocolate. As we were walking there, she told me they had the best chocolate cake in town. I smiled because this girl always discovered the best cafés, stores, bookshops, hairdressers, and people. She also mentioned that her new classmate from university would be joining us, insisting that she was the coolest and most interesting person she had ever met: intelligent, kind, and polite. I never doubted my friend’s ability to form accurate impressions of people, but I certainly didn’t anticipate what happened next.
When we arrived at the café, you were already there. My friend sat next to you, and I took a chair opposite you. We introduced ourselves, and even before we ordered our coffees and cakes, I knew that I liked you, just like my friend did. I vividly remember looking at you across the table and having the weirdest impression: your eyes matched your light-brown hair, which immediately made me realize deep inside that I wanted to be friends with you! It has been over 18 years since that rainy September evening, but I still can’t quite comprehend how this connection formed in my mind, and even more so, how it made any sense, but it did. It made perfect and undeniable sense. I believe it was one of those signs that clearly indicate we have just met a kindred soul, or a soulmate if you will.
Our conversation flowed smoothly as if we had known one another for years. Your favorite dessert turned out to be chocolate (a coincidence?), we all liked good books and movies, and you even attended the same dance studio as I did. You exuded an incredibly welcoming and cozy energy that made it easy to trust you and share everything that was on our minds and in our hearts. There were no awkward silences that often occur when a newcomer joins an already established close friendship.
By the time I got home that evening, I was certain that I wanted this newfound connection to grow and decided not to wait for another opportunity to meet you. So, under the pretext of coordinating our dance studio schedules, I asked my friend for your phone number, hoping to spend some time talking with you before or after classes. I must have called you that same night. Although I was very determined to take a chance and directly asked if you wouldn’t mind going to the dance classes with me, I also felt nervous yet hopeful that you would agree. Was it because you enjoyed my company or simply couldn’t say no to a new acquaintance? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m so glad that you graciously accepted. I’m even happier that my somewhat stalker-like approach didn’t scare you off. Anyway, this marked the beginning of our beautiful long-lasting friendship.
In the following 5 years, we spent an insane amount of time together, attending the same dance classes and festival rehearsals, swimming, drinking coffee, eating desserts, taking long walks in the city, making mulled wine, watching movies, taking photos, always enjoying each other’s company, and talking. Or, more accurately, talking, talking, and then talking some more. I quickly realized that not only were you an active listener – like me – who always showed genuine interest by asking insightful questions, but also the only person I knew I could share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, without being judged or frowned upon. To this day, you are the only friend whom I have ever trusted to share ALL of myself with. It’s priceless. You have always understood, supported, and encouraged me by giving me your time, warm energy, bright smiles, and by saying simple yet wise and powerful words when I needed to hear them the most. Moreover, it always amazes me that we have stayed on the same wavelength, exploring similar concepts in life, even after we moved to different cities and countries. Whenever we meet up or talk on the phone, I get washed over by this familiar feeling of mutual trust, of being completely understood and seeing myself mirrored in you. On top of that, it seems as if no time has passed at all, and we effortlessly pick up our conversation