Sometime during the winter of our second and final year of high school, you pulled off such an incredible psychological prank on me that I still mentally applaud you for it today. I don’t think it was intentional, though, you just went along and played off my reactions. Here’s how it happened.
Everything started with a phrase you said almost dismissively, “We’re going to your place after school anyway.” I must have raised my eyebrows in surprise and responded, “We haven’t discussed it yet, but sure, let’s go, it’ll be fun.” You were equally surprised and said, “But we did talk about it, yesterday.” Since we lived very far from each other, about an hour bus ride through town, these kinds of trips hardly ever happened spontaneously and always took a while to arrange. So, naturally, I replied, “No, we didn’t. I’d remember.” That’s when you unabashedly got carried away, “We did, at my place.” My eyes and internal doubts grew bigger by the second. I exclaimed, “Your place?! I’d definitely remember if we had gone to your place after school yesterday. But I don’t remember because it never happened. I went straight home, did my homework and then we talked on the phone as usual. That’s all.” You kept insisting, providing some bulletproof evidence that sounded more and more plausible, while I, though initially convinced that nothing of the sort had happened, felt like I was quickly losing my mind… Ten minutes later, when the next class began, you still hadn’t cracked even a tiny smile, leaving me puzzled and confused. The best part about it all was that you never told me the truth, though I assure you I knew then and know now for a fact that there was nothing wrong with my memory. (You may try and convince me otherwise – again! – but I’m not going to give in this time.=))
As a teenager and then young adult, I always needed just one truly close friend in my life as it brought me emotional comfort and a sense of security, even invincibility, in any extrovert-oriented (aka social) setting. So, when you left after school to study at a university in another city and did it with such seemingly carefree ease, it broke my heart more than the recent romantic breakup. It meant that I was left alone in my day-to-day life, which was truly unbearable for my younger self. While I did have other good friends, I didn’t have the same quality of connection with them. It also meant I had to adapt to everything on my own, and that was really difficult, but it became an important life lesson, of course.
Although we used to be very close friends, you’ve always been a mystery to me. While you were honest and open, it felt like you held back more than I did. And again, it often discouraged and hurt me, being someone who values close friendships. However, after all these years, it doesn't really matter anymore. What’s important is that you were there for me in high school, sharing the experience of the craziest two years of our lives, and that, as you used to say, will stay with us “for all lifetimes.”
Chapter 7. Infatuated
What a yummy-looking apple! I exclaimed to myself as I was browsing through a grocery store to buy some food for our 30-hour train ride back home. Little did I know at that moment that the fruit would play a pivotal role in the future events of my life. But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s rewind to about a week before.
In late October of that year, I was extremely excited about two things. One was going on a school trip to the cultural capital of our country with my friends and schoolmates (supervised and accompanied by two awesome teachers, of course). And the other was getting Aguilera’s brand new album, which promised to be more sincere and provocative than her first one. I couldn’t wait for both of these things to happen. So, as soon as I spotted the album in a music store, I purchased it and spent my days and nights listening to it on my Walkman (yes, it was THAT long ago: I had a portable CD player with wired earphones but no mobile phone yet, LOL). And a couple of days later, we boarded the train, marking the beginning of the best journey of our high school years.
Although our group was quite small – just under 20 people – I didn’t know everyone at first, because about a third of us were boys from a class we hardly ever crossed paths with in the school halls before, or after. However, the train ride was quite long, so we soon learned everyone’s names. Despite this, we still stuck to our usual circle of friends, laughing hysterically, cracking joke after joke, and enjoying the time away from our parents.=) Juice and chocolate were basically all we sustained ourselves on; I have no idea how or why nobody ended up with the most severe stomach ache.
We arrived safely in the city and checked into the student dormitory. When we weren’t going on the pre-arranged tours, which were delightful and interesting, we explored the nearby streets, bridges, shops, and cathedrals on our own, while enjoying juice and soda, eating chocolate, laughing, talking, taking photos, and listening to music. I loved the Stripped album so much that it was playing on my CD player non-stop, and when it wasn’t, the melodies and lyrics kept playing in my head. One song caught my attention more than the others. I had to look up the translation of its title because it was a completely new word for me. When I understood its meaning, the lyrics made so much more sense and even brought a new level of appreciation for the song. But not only that. I felt like the song was written for me and about me (as all teenage girls do, apparently=)), because this curiosity and attraction had truly taken me by surprise, and I was being carried away by this new, unfamiliar thing that suddenly had a name, “infatuation”.
You immediately stood out to me among your classmates. Your skin wasn’t as deeply cinnamon-colored as Aguilera puts it in the song, but you were definitely not as pale as the rest of us. And your brown eyes, paired with your gorgeous kind smile, truly hypnotized me every time they met mine in the dormitory halls. We were clearly aware of each other, but we never really spoke, and I envied your friends who interacted and laughed with you so freely. Besides, it was all quite foreign to me: I could hardly keep my cool when you were around, while simultaneously falling apart on the inside, and I was actually breathless a couple of times when I saw your eyes light up after noticing me. But you never made it any easier for me: you simply passed by, smiling as broadly and openly as only you could.
So, when I had lost almost all hope because by the time we got on the train to go back home, we had only exchanged a few Hellos, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I passed your compartment with the freshly-washed apple in my hands and saw you reading by yourself, with all your friends mysteriously gone. I’m not sure what came over my normally timid self at that moment, but I stepped in and asked if you wanted me to share the apple with you. Getting an enthusiastic “Sure, yeah!” from you, I lost all the fear and dared sit down next to you. I’m smiling now because, surprisingly, talking with you turned out to be very easy and enjoyable. The apple, that we had cut in half, was really big and crunchy, which gave me a valid excuse to stay and chat longer. Sitting so close to you, I immediately noticed a faded weird-looking scar on your left hand. When I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “It looks as if you ironed your hand” and you replied in a nonchalant but slightly shocked manner, “I did, actually, when I was about three or four”, I think we both knew right away that we had just bonded in a way that neither of us could have predicted or explained.
Shortly after we came back home from our trip, you invited me to your birthday party. I was over the moon with happiness. The party was loud and crowded, but I only noticed it when you briefly left my side. For the most part, I felt pretty comfortable. My heart beat like crazy whenever you held my hand and pulled me close. When I buried my face in your shoulder, unable to speak, you always found the right words to make those awkward moments more bearable and with time even enjoyable.
School suddenly turned into a game of Us VS the Schedule with us trying to meet each other whenever and wherever possible, even though we spent most of the time in different buildings. I was walking on air, singing to myself, easily coping with the most challenging tasks and tests, always smiling and feeling warm inside; it was truly the greatest winter of my school life.
One day, you promised to meet me after classes. It made me really happy since it didn’t happen too often. As we walked toward the bus stop, you said you didn’t want to give me false hopes anymore because you believed I was too good