Seek out people who are genuinely happy for your successes. Who listen when you need to talk. Who care about who you are and how you feel.
And when you find those people, hold on to them, treasure them. Because they will be your friends for life.
PS: This goes for partners too. And family. Just because someone’s related to you by blood or marriage, doesn’t mean you have to tolerate nonsense from them. You don’t have to tolerate it from anyone.
3. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself (Mary Schmidt)
You look around you and everyone seems to be doing better than you. They’re getting better exam results (apparently with no revision whatsoever). They are prettier, thinner, more popular, more successful. They’re luckier than you: opportunities seem to fall into their lap. In time they will have jobs, homes, holidays that seem so much more impressive than yours. In comparison you feel less successful and, consequently, less happy.
Comparing yourself to other people will never make you happy.
Run your own race.
Don’t just look above you, at people achieving more than you. Look around you; at your peers, at those who are aspiring to do things you’re doing, and perhaps you’ll see that you’re not doing too badly after all.
The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself. In years to come, you are going to have this pinned above the desk where you write every day: both as a reminder that you are doing the thing you love and therefore it’s immaterial what anyone else is doing; and as an acknowledgement that the only person who needs to be happy with the race you’re running is you.
ANN BISSELL, PUBLICITY DIRECTOR, COMMISSIONING, THE BOROUGH PRESS
1. Dear Bissell aged 17
Your mom tells you to play the game but you don’t understand why you should. So you are angry and disruptive and asked to leave school. You will still get your grades but why make life so difficult for yourself? Later, little one, you will discover that playing the game means challenging from within.
2. Dear Bissell aged 29
Oh you poor broken-hearted thing, putting all that love in the wrong place. You can’t change people. This is a lesson you will have to learn over and over again.
3. Dear Bissell aged 35
A tough year for you. But you will dig deep and you will be very proud of yourself. Being with someone at the end of their life will change yours. You will learn that you are strong and kind and much loved, and that your family are the best people in the world.
DR SUE BLACK, author of SAVING BLETCHLEY PARK
Dear Sue
I’m writing this as a 56-year-old woman with four fab children, and almost three lovely grandchildren (number three is due in a few weeks’ time). I’ve had an ‘interesting’ life, many ups and downs. My mum died when I was 12. That was really awful. My dad remarried and then I couldn’t wait to leave home, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t be myself. I left home at 16. I had five O levels (old-fashioned GCSEs) and tried to stay on to do my A levels but it was too hard – I was working evenings and weekends to pay rent. I left school after two terms of A levels and got a job working for the local council. I hated it. It was a lot of filing, putting cardboard files in alphabetical order. I used to joke that I could have done that job before I went to school when I was four, because I could read then and knew my alphabet.
When I was 17 I got a job working in London with refugees from Vietnam. I loved it! I used to look after little kids all day and hang out with the teenagers in the evening. It was such fun. I learnt basic Vietnamese. When that place closed I moved to another centre for refugees. I took people to the doctor and dentist when they arrived in the UK. I spent my 18th birthday there.
I decided I needed a career. Nursing was the only thing I could think of – both my parents were nurses. I started the course, and hated it. Somehow I stuck it out for a year, I think mainly because I didn’t know what else to do. Eventually I left. I got a job working for a record company, in the accounts department. I loved and still love maths.
At 20 I got married and then had three children in just over two years. I had my daughter Emma and then twin boys, Samuel and Oliver. They were gorgeous and still are.
After that my marriage broke down. We lived in a women’s refuge for six months, then started life again in another part of London. It was hard but we did it. We lived on benefits for a while, then I started studying. I went to college, then uni. I did a degree, then a PhD. Then I became a lecturer, a senior lecturer, then a head of department.
I’m now an Honorary Professor of Computer Science at UCL in London. I give talks all around the world. Last year I spoke to an audience of 16,000 people at a conference for women in tech in Florida. I also teach mums tech skills with an awesome team of people. I’m writing my second book and enjoying my life. I am living the dream.
I have things I never imagined I would have: four wonderful children, two grandchildren, a house, lots of friends, respect from so many people.
I changed my world by focusing on what I wanted from life. I’ve had many challenges in my life – we all have lots of challenges in life. I wish I had been told that this was normal when I was younger.
I wanted to share my life story with you, to let you know that things will be OK when you get older. I’ve had loads of challenges since I was your age, so many things have gone wrong, but I’ve managed to turn the bad times into good. I also wanted to share three pieces of advice which I wish someone had given me when I was younger:
1. Keep going through the bad times. Shit happens. Bad things happen to people all the time. Don’t let difficult times stop you from getting where you want to go.
2. Surround yourself with supporters. Life is tough enough without listening to the haters. Build a network of supportive, good friends and support them back.
3. Don’t worry so much. Keep going and things will work out. Don’t spend lots of time worrying about ‘what ifs’. A bit of worrying is good to get you focused, but don’t let it get the better of you. Life is for enjoying, being happy. Work towards being happy and you will make everyone around you happy too.
You’ve got a great life ahead of you – some difficult times, but also lots of really amazing times. Times when you will be so happy, you want to shout and scream at how wonderful life is.
OK, time to go. Close your eyes. Can you feel it? I’m giving you a big hug and will now be holding your hand every step of the way. Have a great life.
Lots of love
Sue xxx
FERN BRITTON, author of COMING HOME
1. Don’t be afraid of change or failure. Take a leap of faith. Ditch the things that are negative in life and embrace the next challenge. It will all work out.
2. Try to take all serious competition out of your life. This might sound counter-intuitive, but imagine two drivers next to each other at the lights. As soon as they go red the foot goes down, common sense leaves the brain and the speed camera flashes, losing both of you your licences. Compete only with yourself. Make yourself the better you.
3. Count your blessings. There will always be people better off or worse