I shall give worse payment.
CLOWN. By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report after fourteen years’ purchase.
[Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN.]
SR ANDREW.
Now, sir, have I met you again? there ‘s for you.
SEBASTIAN.
Why, there ‘s for thee, and there, and there.
Are all the people mad?
SIR TOBY.
Hold, sir, or I ‘ll throw your dagger o’er the house.
CLOWN.
This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of your
coats for twopence.
[Exit.]
SIR TOBY.
Come on, sir; hold.
SIR ANDREW. Nay, let him alone: I ‘ll go another way to work with him; I ‘ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it ‘s no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN.
Let go thy hand.
SIR TOBY. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well flesh’d; come on.
SEBASTIAN.
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?
If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.
SIR TOBY. What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.
[Enter OLIVIA.]
OLIVIA.
Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee, hold!
SIR TOBY.
Madam!
OLIVIA.
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne’er were preach’d! Out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!
[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.]
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house;
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch’d up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go;
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN.
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA.
Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou’dst be rul’d by me!
SEBASTIAN.
Madam, I will.
OLIVIA.
O, say so, and so be!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. OLIVIA’S house.
[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
MARIA.
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe
thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I ‘ll call Sir Toby
the whilst.
[Exit.]
CLOWN. Well, I ‘ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ‘t; and I would I were the first that ever dissembl’d in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.]
SIR TOBY.
Jove bless thee, master parson!
CLOWN. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is is’; so I, being master parson, am master parson; for, what is ‘that’ but ‘that,’ and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
SIR TOBY.
To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN.
What, ho, I say, peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY.
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
MALVOLIO.
[Within] Who calls there?
CLOWN.
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY.
Well said, master parson.
MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong’d; good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO.
As hell, Sir Topas.
CLOWN. Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO.
I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you, this house is dark.
CLOWN. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzl’d than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO. I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abus’d. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant question.
CLOWN.
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
MALVOLIO.
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
CLOWN.
What think’st thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO.
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness; thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY.
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN.
Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown; he sees thee not.