‘Oh, honey, I know that feeling. All of life’s problems seem to want solving the minute you close your eyes.’
I nod but it isn’t that. I can’t tell her the real reason I don’t sleep well. Instead, I find myself filling Janey in on everything else – right from Ava refusing to get dressed and Emily ditching me. Instead of telling me I’m being a drama queen, like Mike would have, or switching off like my old friends did, she listens and pulls sympathetic faces in all the right places. When I’ve finished, I feel several pounds lighter.
‘And to top it off,’ I add, ‘I was parent-shamed by the kids’ school this morning.’ I find myself laughing. It’s euphoric and unfamiliar.
‘Parent-shamed! We’re going to get along well. Tell me more?’ She rests her head on one hand, her elbow on the table.
She laughs as I tell her there were no kids about when I entrusted my two to walk in unaccompanied. ‘Honestly, I think some jobsworth sits monitoring the CCTV just to try and catch a parent out!’ I shake my head. ‘More tea?’
As I go to fill the kettle, Henry starts to cry. ‘Sorry.’
‘I’ll do the tea – you see to Henry,’ she says.
A few hours pass quickly and before I know it, it’s time to pick the kids up.
‘Right, I’d better get going. I’m taking the car today as my eldest, Tom, has a friend coming for tea and he’s a bit of a whirlwind, this little guy, so I don’t fancy walking, but we totally should try and walk together a few days a week. Great for the bum!’ she says, slapping herself on the bottom for emphasis. I laugh.
‘And listen, my other half, Jimmy, works away a lot so I know how tough it can be on your own. When he’s here he’s always too tired to take any notice of me anyway, so if you’re ever stuck for someone to take the kids to school or look after them while you go on a hot date, just ask – if I’m free to help I will do,’ she says, giving me a pointed look that suggests she means it.
My body fills with warmth. ‘Thank you – same here, although with you being married and me being a hot mess, I can’t see either of us going on a hot date any time soon.’ I chuckle but the reality is, I haven’t once considered dating. The thought of going through all of that early relationship stuff terrifies me, and besides, I have three children to think about.
‘You never know.’ She winks and I can’t quite tell if she means that I could be dating one day, or she could. Either way, I like Janey a lot.
It’s one-fifteen when the doorbell rings. The kids’ bags have been packed and by the door since ten-thirty. Ava and Ralph have taken it in turns to ask, ‘When is Daddy going to be here?’ precisely every four minutes since they woke up at seven a.m.
‘You’re late,’ I hiss as Mike steps through the door.
‘Oh come on, I said elevenish not eleven on the dot.’
‘Since when has quarter past one been elevenish?’
He gives me a sideways glance as Ralph comes bounding down the hallway.
‘Daddy!’
‘My big man!’ Mike scoops him up and spins him around. Ralph’s trainers scrape the wall leaving a black scuff mark about a foot above the skirting board, which irks me, mostly because Mike did it. As much as he grates on me, he is a good dad when he’s actually with the kids. It’s part of the problem of course – he gets to be Captain Fun whilst I play the role of the evil villain: Regimental Mum. I know this is common during separation but when we agreed on joint custody, Mike promised to take the rough and the smooth. I could say something but he’d come back with some rubbish about me being better at the discipline side or how he has all that rules and routine stuff to deal with at work and he just wants to chill out on the weekends.
‘Daddy, Daddy, look at my dress!’ Ava comes running down the hallway in the Monsoon bridesmaid dress that she wore to Mike’s friend’s wedding a few months ago.
‘Why are you wearing that?’ I shriek. I had it washed and ready to put on eBay.
‘I’m a princess,’ she says twirling.
‘You sure are.’ Mike throws her into the air and catches her. ‘And I bet you’ll only eat pink bonbons won’t you?’
‘Don’t feed her just bonbons,’ I say wearily.
‘As if I would,’ he says before whispering, ‘I totally will,’ into her ear. She giggles and thrashes her arms and legs around with excitement.
‘Don’t let them stay up too late or they’ll be horrible tomorrow.’
‘Stephanie, relax, I’m their father. I know what I’m doing.’
‘Okay, and you’re aware of everything Henry needs because last week Ava said you let him have cake and he’s really too young for cake.’
Mike puts Ava down. ‘Ralph, can you take Ava to the car? I won’t be a minute.’ Ralph takes Ava’s hand and when they’re down the steps Mike turns to face me.
‘You need to stop telling me what to do.’
‘Mike, I just want you to be on my side once in a while. Not because I want to boss you around or have some backup or whatever, but because the kids need consistency in their lives. They need to have boundaries. Do you know how hard it is saying no to extra sweets when they come back whining, “Daddy lets us have them”?’
‘I’m not here to bend over backwards to improve your life anymore, Stephanie. Don’t you think I do enough by providing for you all and paying for this place when I don’t even live here?’ He sweeps his arm around the hallway like it’s a grand palace. It is a very nice house, don’t get me wrong, it’s a four-bed townhouse in Cheshire, which I’m very lucky to live in but I know what he earns and he’s trying to make me feel indebted to him.
‘You do. I’m sorry,’ I say, reeling inside. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ I want to yell that he should be paying for his kids and what he gives us isn’t enough after bills but I don’t want to cause a row about it. He can be irrational and hot-headed when he gets angry and he’s been even worse lately for some reason. I can’t risk him pulling all his money and taking us back through the courts.
I spend the rest of the day binge-watching The Crown. By late afternoon I’m missing the kids like crazy and sit flicking through photographs of them on my phone – something I do every weekend when they’re at their dad’s. As I’m looking at pictures of Ava dressed as Matilda for the last World Book Day, a message comes through. It’s Janey.
Hi Steph, I saw the kids go off with Mike. Mine are at a sleepover and Jimmy is working away (again). Fancy a drink in an actual pub like two grown-ups? X
I get a flutter of excitement. A pub! I haven’t been out since way before Mike left. Our group did a lot of couples’ dinner parties. They weren’t really pub people. Suddenly I get the taste for half a lager and some dry-roasted peanuts.
That sounds great. X
Perfect – I’ll come over in half an hour. X
I run upstairs, throw on some make-up. I’m not a heavy make-up person but I’m not going to lie and say I’m confident with a naked face. This decade has brought some rather fetching fine lines and reddened dry patches on my face and whilst they don’t bother me much on the whole, I’m not exactly keen on flaunting them either. I change my baggy sweater for a fitted denim shirt before squirting on the dregs of perfume from a sample bottle I’ve