Weinberl
Christopher
Sonders
Marie
Zangler
Gertrud
Belgian Foreigner
Melchior
Hupfer
Philippine
Madame Knorr
Mrs Fischer
Coachman
Waiter One
Waiter Two
German Man
German Woman
Scots Man
Scots Woman
Constable
Lisette
Miss Blumenblatt
Ragamuffin
Piper, Citizens, Waiters, Customers, etc.
Although this text, like the first edition, is in two acts, the original production was done with two intermissions, the middle act beginning with ‘The Journey to Vienna’ and ending with the Restaurant Scene.
Zangler’s shop.
In which customers are served with great panache by WEINBERL and CHRISTOPHER. MARIE is the cashier in a gilded cage. Old-fashioned spring-loaded canisters travel on wires between the cage and the counters. A chute delivers a large sack of flour from up above to a position behind Weinberl’s counter. There is a trap door to a cellar. SONDERS, incognito, is among the customers.
A town clock chimes the hour. Customers are being ushered out by Christopher. Sonders remains. Shop closing for lunch.
Zangler’s room can occupy the stage with the shop, the action moving between the two.
ZANGLER and GERTRUD. Zangler is usually worked up, as now. Gertrud never is.
ZANGLER My tailor has let me down again.
GERTRUD Yes, I can see.
ZANGLER No, you damned well can’t. I’m referring to my new uniform which hasn’t arrived yet, and today is the grand annual parade with the massed bands of the Sporting and Benevolent Societies of the Grocers’ Company. It’s enough to make one burst a bratwurst. I’ll feel such a fool … There I’ll be, president-elect and honorary whipper-in of the Friends of the Opera Fur and Feather Club, three times winner of the Johann Strauss Memorial Shield for duck-shooting, and I’ll have to appear before the public in my old uniform. Perhaps I’d better not go out at all. That fortune-hunter Sonders is after my ward.
GERTRUD My word.
ZANGLER My ward! I won’t rest easy until Marie is safely out of his reach. Now, don’t forget, Marie’s luggage is to be sent ahead to my sister-in-law’s, Miss Blumenblatt at twenty-three Carlstrasse.
GERTRUD Miss Blumenblatt’s.
ZANGLER What is the address?
GERTRUD Twenty-three Carlstrasse.
ZANGLER What is it?
GERTRUD Twenty-three Carlstrasse.
ZANGLER Very well. Marie can stay with her until Sonders finds some other innocent girl to pursue, and furthermore it will stop the little slut from chasing after him. I’m damned sure they’re sending messages to each other but I can’t work out how they’re doing it.
Zing! In the shop—now closed—a cash-canister zings along the wire to Marie in her gilded cage.
Zangler’s shop.
The shop is closed. Weinberl and Christopher are absent. Sonders, half hidden, has sent the canister. Zangler is on to him.
ZANGLER Sonders!
MARIE Uncle!
SONDERS Herr Zangler!
ZANGLER Unhand my foot, sir!
SONDERS I love your niece!
ZANGLER (outraged) My knees, sir? (mollified) Oh, my niece. (outraged) Well, my niece and I are not to be prised apart so easily, and nor are hers, I hope I make my meaning clear?
SONDERS Marie must be mine!
ZANGLER Never! She is a star out of thy firmament, Sonders! I am a Zangler, provision merchant to the beau-monde, top board for the Cheesemongers and number three in the Small Bore Club.
SONDERS Only three?
ZANGLER Do you suppose I’d let my airedale be hounded up hill and—my heiress be mounted up hill and bank by a truffle-hound—be trifled with and hounded by a mountebank?! Not for all the tea in China! Well, I might for all the tea in China, or the rice—no, that’s ridiculous—the preserved ginger then—no, let’s say half the tea, the ginger, a shipment of shark-fin soup double-discounted just to take it off your hands—
SONDERS All you think about is money!
ZANGLER All I think about is money! As far as I’m concerned any man who interferes with my Marie might as well have his hand in my till!
SONDERS I make no secret of the fact that I am not the éminence grise of Oriental trade, but I have expectations, and no outstanding debts.
A man, a FOREIGNER, visible in the street, starts knocking on the shop door. Marie has emerged from her cage and goes to deal with it.
FOREIGNER Grus Grott! (He enters and shakes hands all round.)
ZANGLER We’re closed for lunch. What expectations?
FOREIGNER Enshuldigen!
ZANGLER Closed!
FOREIGNER Mein heren! Ich nicht ein customer …
ZANGLER What did he say?
MARIE I don’t know, Uncle, I think he’s a foreigner.
FOREIGNER Gut morgen—geshstattensie—bitte shorn—danke shorn …
ZANGLER We’re closed! Open two o’clock!
FOREIGNER Ich comen looken finden Herr Sonders.
ZANGLER Here! Sonders!
FOREIGNER Herr