Sober & Out. Группа авторов

      I now have over six years’ sobriety. I owe my sobriety to God and to all the straight meetings I attend, because there are no gay meetings in my hometown. I work the Steps and try to practice the principles in all my affairs, as do other alcoholics who want a contented sobriety. I have found myself through the AA Fellowship.

      Anonymous

      Kansas

To Thine Own Self Be True

      FEBRUARY 2003

      Self-concern and fear dominated me most of my life. I was also afraid that people could detect my fear so I drank to escape it and to escape from myself. When I was sober for two and a half years, I realized that the quality of my life left me wanting. I was still very self-conscious and full of fear.

      Ill at ease in meetings, I decided to cut back on them. But I soon realized that fewer meetings couldn’t possibly be the right answer. I decided to take a deeper look into myself. Why was I so self-conscious and full of fear all the time, no matter whom I was with or where I was?

      One day it dawned on me that my self-perception was so distorted that I couldn’t possibly live up to the person I was pretending to be because that person didn’t exist. Because of my religious background, I had not been able to admit that I was gay. So I had lived a lie my entire life. The result was terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair.

      When I got sick and tired of being “sober and miserable,” I realized that my problem was deeper than alcoholism. My problem was sexual confusion. My alcoholism was merely a symptom.

      The words “and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol” finally rang true for me. Ever since I was a child, I had modified everything about myself, from the way I walked, to the way I talked, to the way I dressed. And I was still a misfit. Thanks to AA, I don’t have to fight any longer.

      Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.” He didn’t say be someone you aren’t. Today I am alcohol-free. I am what I am—a sober gay man!

      Steve C.

      College Park, Maryland

      CHAPTER 2

      I FOUND MY FELLOWSHIP

      Voices of lesbian AAs

      Most of the womens’ stories in this chapter deal with drinking and self-acceptance.

      “At twenty-one years old, I became aware of bars for lesbians, and this was the discovery of my life,” F.G. writes. “I started to go to these bars, and since I had already developed a dependence on alcohol, I drank. Alcohol became my way of life.” Liquor “made my feelings of inferiority ... disappear,” writes Janet W. “I felt as if I had found the answer to my problems.”

      Finally reaching Alcoholics Anonymous, these women found help through sponsors, new friends in the rooms, and reliance on a Higher Power.

      One AA, Linda W., writes that the members of her group “were the embodiment of Tradition Three. It didn’t matter that I was a nurse in the intensive care unit, or that I was a lesbian. I was there for the same reason they were, to stop drinking and to learn to live sober. I felt supported, cared for, and even loved.”

      In this chapter, lesbian AAs talk about how the program changed their lives.