— Alcoholics Anonymous
Making Amends features 55 candid, firsthand stories from Grapevine magazine of AA members’ experiences with Step Nine of the AA program. The book is divided into eight main chapters, including sections on Step Eight, parents, children, family members, exes, special cases, financial, and finally, friends and coworkers.
Step Nine is a challenging, life-changing practice that requires preparation, so the book begins with a chapter of Step Eight experiences. In “Ready to Sweep,” the book’s first story, the writer leaves no doubt why these Steps are necessary. “When I was an active alcoholic, I caused physical, mental and spiritual damage to people,” writes member Gary T. In our understandable hesitance to dive into these most grownup of Steps, we sometimes express the idea that our fellows are tired of hearing our apologies, which is where our sponsors point out that when we back our car into a fence, we don’t turn to it and say, “I’m sorry,” we take out our hammer and nails. We make a mend. In “Learning How to Forgive,” D.W.R. realizes what had frozen his emotions, even in making amends: “I wasn’t forgiving them for not forgiving me.”
Parents often top the list of those harmed by our addiction, and in Chapter 2’s story “Making Amends,” C.M.’s mother welcomes his by assuring him that, “You do make amends to me each time you reach out to a newcomer.” In Chapter 3, we see that our vulnerable children are too often the victims of our drinking as well. In “The Luckiest Mom,” Pat T. had given her daughter up for adoption, and when it occurs to her to make her amends, she is miraculously able to do so in person.
The ravages of our disease ripple clearly through our families, and in Keith W.’s article “A Quiet Hatred,” in Chapter 4, his amends took the form of a racial reconciliation that seemed impossible. In Chapter 5, our exes, once our loves, are so often bound to us by negatives, thanks to our alcoholic behavior. In “Scene of the Crime,” Kit K. found enough peace in the quiet of a volcano crater to make a face-to-face amends to her once violent ex, remembering her sponsor saying, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”
Garden variety fears fade in comparison to how we feel when the amends we must make are the survivors of those who did not survive our alcoholism. In the Chapter 6 story “The Amends I Most Dreaded to Make,” member D.S. reaches out to the beloved sister of the pedestrian he ran down who eventually died from her injuries, and is taken in as “a dear, real brother.” In Chapter 7, we’re reminded that money doesn’t mix with alcoholism, and the financial collision that often occurs leaves scars deeper than debts. In “Tax Returns,” an anonymous author writes that the bond between the amends-maker and the tax collector was “the silent work of a Higher Power.”
And in the book’s final chapter, we see that friends and coworkers, some of whom have been our drinking buddies, have invariably been in the vicinity as we drank, close enough to be harmed. Clearing our side of the street with them wins us back our self-esteem as well. As B.F. writes about her relationship with a dear friend in “Open and Honest,” “I had to be good to myself and stop dragging the past with me whenever I encountered Lynne.”
As the powerful stories in this book illustrate, we can count on Step Nine to mark, as our co-founder Bill W. wrote, “the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.”
CHAPTER ONE
Step Eight: We Don’t Rush Into Amends
The effects of Step Nine on our lives and others’ will last a long time—even a lifetime—so paving our way via Step Eight is vital
“Driven by a hundred forms of fear,” says the Big Book, “self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” With Steps Eight and Nine, we heal those relationships, as well as our primary relationship with ourselves. It’s only after working Step Nine that the inspiring AA Promises can be expected.
No matter how eager we are to clear our side of the street with everyone, we are advised to prepare well first. And we do that through working the other seven Steps. In the story “The Mending Process,” later on in the book, Corinne H. describes the chaos she created as she rushed headlong into Step Nine, “without benefit of sponsor or sanity.”
In this chapter’s story “From Our Fellows and From God,” member W.H. writes about the many fears that can cause us to hesitate before Steps Eight and Nine. “What will she think?” or “What will he say?” Followed by our famous, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” But to the writer, “Fear of losing my sobriety overrode my fear of losing someone’s goodwill.” W.H. also wisely points out that Step Eight “provides a time of calm reflection before we get down to the actual amends-making task.”
The anonymous writer in the story “The Eighth Step,” describes “this great life”: “I have found, to my great joy, that if I work on Eight and Nine and keep the emphasis on my relationships with others, these Steps actually do bring about the ultimate amends to me—a happy, sober day-to-day life that brims over with gladness, happiness, good fortune, and all that I could wish for.”
Ready to Sweep
August 2015
When I was an active alcoholic, I caused physical, mental and spiritual damage to people. And as my drinking became more destructive, I isolated and alienated myself from others even more than usual, in an attempt to drink and drug without interruption or negative criticism. I’d then be overwhelmed with fear, shame, guilt and remorse. My self-loathing would spill over into all my relationships—the few that still remained, that is.
The Eighth Step gave me the toolbox I needed to explore these relationships more deeply. It enabled me to pinpoint those individuals whom I had harmed. And even if I was not actually ready to make direct amends to certain people, I was able to begin by writing out an amends list and praying for the willingness.
As I worked through my list, the essential question for me, as it says in the “Twelve and Twelve,” was: “Whom have I harmed and in what ways?” I was tempted to recall and list the ways these people had hurt me. In all honesty, there was perhaps harm on both sides. But I needed to focus on the harm I had produced. The Eighth Step does not depend on the character defects and shortcomings of others. I had to admit and acknowledge my own character defects and shortcomings. I needed to focus on “sweeping my side of the street.”
When feelings of defensiveness began to emerge, I remembered that these individuals needed my forgiveness just as much as I needed theirs. But whether they recognized that need was not the issue. If I were to be serious about mending broken relationships, and I certainly was, I needed to let go of my resentments and, simultaneously, to forgive others. The following questions were helpful to me as I worked on my Eighth Step:
1 How was I bad-tempered because of my drinking?
2 Did I avoid friends and family as a result of my obsession?
3 What damage did I produce by letting my self-will run riot? These helped me gain valuable insights and discover other people to add to my list.
As I continued on my Eighth Step journey, it became apparent that I did much damage to myself as well. And it dawned on me that the most effective amends that I could make to myself was to stay sober and practice the Steps to the best of my ability. And if I keep not drinking just for today, I won’t drink for the rest of my life.
In early sobriety, I would never have contemplated making the first move toward making an amend. But now I’m attempting to discern and apply the will of God in my life. I now take responsibility for my sobriety and for my relationships. Taking such a risk