SETTING
The play takes place entirely on the floor of a nationwide Italian restaurant franchise in Pocatello, Idaho. The set should be specific enough that we know exactly what it is but general enough that it could be anywhere in the country. There are several tables in the space, along with bussing stations and an ordering station with a computer. The entire look of the stage should be the American idea of Italianness: wine bottles, paintings of Tuscany, plastic grapes, etc. Two wall-mounted speakers play touristy Italian, pop, or country music at various points in the play.
NOTES
Dialogue written in italics is emphatic, deliberate; dialogue in ALL CAPS is impulsive, explosive.
A “/” indicates an overlap in dialogue. Whenever a “/” occurs, the following line of dialogue should begin.
Ellipses (. . .) indicate when a character is trailing off, dashes (—) indicate where a character is being cut off, either by another character or themselves.
If desired, an intermission can be taken between scenes four and five.
Scene One
Throughout the scene there is the steady sound of bad pop music playing in the background. Somewhere onstage is a large banner that reads “Famiglia Week.”
At one table: Doris, Nick, and Kelly. At another: Cole, Tammy, and Becky. Isabelle is taking Nick’s order. The other group have finished their entrées and are about to order dessert.
The scene starts suddenly, like we’re being thrown into the middle of something that’s been going on for a while.
ISABELLE: —the “Tour of Italy,” which is lasagna and / fettuccine—
NICK: There’s meat in that?
ISABELLE: The lasagna? Yes.
NICK: / Good.
COLE: Don’t make them sing. I don’t like it when you make them sing. Didn’t like last year.
(Max enters, approaches Tammy, Becky, and Cole.)
TAMMY: / Oh Dad. Grumpy grump!
DORIS: The manicotti, gluten-free pasta please.
MAX: / Everyone finished?
(Max starts clearing dishes.)
ISABELLE: We actually don’t have gluten-free pasta right now.
DORIS: You don’t? You don’t have gluten-free pasta?
(Eddie enters.)
MAX: / Can I get you guys anything for dessert?
DORIS (To Eddie): Eddie, this girl here is saying / that you don’t—
EDDIE: We’re out of gluten-free pasta, Mom.
TAMMY: / Well we sort of have a special occasion?
NICK: Just have regular pasta.
MAX: Oh right!
BECKY: / Jesus Christ.
DORIS: My stomach will /make noise. Let me just— . . .
TAMMY: You know you can choose to be a happy person, Becky, / you can—
BECKY (To Tammy): There’s genocide happening, right now.
MAX: Um.
DORIS (Looking at the menu): / Well if you don’t have that, I just don’t see anything here that I can eat.
BECKY: Children are being killed. Women are being raped. I am not “choosing” / to be a—
EDDIE (Looking at the menu): / Well what about—? Oh, no.
MAX: Oh, / I don’t—
TAMMY: She’ll have the tiramisu. You want the tiramisu, right Becky?
BECKY: Stop calling me Becky.
NICK: You really can’t / eat the regular pasta?
KELLY (To Nick): Nick, she said she can’t have it.
MAX: / O—kay, I’ll be right back then.
(Max exits.)
NICK: I’m just saying a little bit won’t kill you.
TAMMY: / Thank you.
DORIS: Oh never mind, I’ll just have the salad.
EDDIE: Sorry, Mom.
(Eddie exits. Troy enters, crossing the stage. Tammy grabs him on his way over.)
TAMMY: Troy, why haven’t you been serving us?
KELLY: / Is there anything you recommend?
TROY: It’s not my section.
TAMMY: Did you tell them it was your dad’s birthday?
ISABELLE: / Oh I mean it’s like all really super good.
TROY: It doesn’t work like that.
TAMMY: Becky and I were thinking—
BECKY: / Oh my God stop calling me Becky.
KELLY: Oh. I guess then—chicken, then.
TROY: Tammy, let’s not start anything today, please?
(Troy exits.)
ISABELLE: Okay, I’ll get that right out to you. Can I do anything else for you in the meantime?
NICK: No thanks.
(Isabelle exits.)
TAMMY (To Becky): / Why don’t you give Grandpa the present you got for him?
DORIS: You didn’t have to make such a scene, now I won’t get enough to eat.
(Becky takes a small wrapped present out of her bag and gives it to Cole.)
NICK: Oh for God’s sake.
KELLY: Mom, I just think that Nick / was trying—
DORIS: Oh honey don’t call me that, I told you, I don’t like it.
(Cole opens the present.)
BECKY: It’s a Chia. It’s shaped like a head.
COLE: I don’t understand.
TAMMY: Now you have something to take care of!
(Becky pulls out a book, starts reading.)
KELLY (To Doris): So did Nick tell you / the good news?
TAMMY: Will you put that away please?
DORIS: / Good news? Oh my, are you . . .?
BECKY: No.
NICK: Oh God no, I’m—. / It’s a job thing, I got a promotion.
TAMMY: It’s Grandpa’s birthday.
DORIS: / Oh. Well that’s good.
BECKY: Yay.
(Eddie enters, goes to Doris, Nick, and Kelly. Max reenters with a large carafe of rosé wine, goes to Tammy.)
EDDIE: Sorry, guys, one of our deep fryers is being weird, and / our cook doesn’t—
DORIS: / We understand.
MAX (To Cole and Tammy): Would you guys like to try a sample?
TAMMY: Oh—sure!
(Max pours Tammy a taste of wine. Eddie sits with Doris, Nick, and Kelly.)
MAX: / Anything free is good, right? Heh. It’s a white zinfandel. It’s bright and flavorful. How was