Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations. David Mamet

cherry.

      JOAN: I . . . I find that very insulting.

      BERNIE: Go get a lawyer, bitch. Go get a writ, you got yourself a case.

      (Pause.)

      JOAN (sits down again): I . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry if I was being rude to you.

      BERNIE: Oh, you're sorry if you were being rude to me.

      JOAN: Yes.

      BERNIE: You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve. (Rises, calls for check, exits.)

      At work, DAN and BERNARD are at work. They are filing.

      BERNIE: The main thing, Dan . . .

      DANNY: Yes?

      BERNIE: The main thing about broads . . .

      DANNY: Yes?

      BERNIE: Is two things. One: The Way to Get Laid is to Treat ‘Em Like Shit . . .

      DANNY: Yeah . . .

      BERNIE: . . . and Two: Nothing . . . nothing makes you so attractive to the opposite sex as getting your rocks off on a regular basis.

      The Library, DEB is seated, working, DAN cruises her and so on.

      DANNY: Hi.

      DEBORAH: Hello.

      DANNY: I saw you at the Art Institute.

      DEBORAH: Uh huh.

      DANNY: I remembered your hair.

      DEBORAH: Hair memory.

      DANNY: You were in the Impressionists room. (Pause.) Monet . . . (Pause.)

      DEBORAH: Uh huh.

      DANNY: You're very attractive. I like the way you look. (Pause.) You were drawing in charcoal. It was nice. (Pause.) Are you a student at the Art Institute?

      DEBORAH: No, I work.

      DANNY: Work, huh? . . . work. (Pause.) I'll bet you're good at it. (Pause.) Is someone taking up a lot of your time these days?

      DEBORAH: You mean a man?

      DANNY: Yes, a man.

      DEBORAH: I'm a Lesbian. (Pause.)

      DANNY: As a physical preference, or from political beliefs?

      BERNARD'S apartment. BERNARD is seated in front of the television at three in the morning.

      TV: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. If, on the other hand, you apply for a personal loan, all sorts of circumstantial evidence is required. I wonder if any mathematician has done serious research on the efficacity of prayer. For example: you're walking down the street thinking “God, if I don't get laid tonight, I don't know what all!” (A common form of prayer) And all of a sudden, WHAM! (Pause.) Perhaps you do get laid, or perhaps you get hit by a cab, or perhaps you meet the man or woman of your persuasion. But the prayer is uttered—yes it is—solely as a lamentation, and with no real belief in its causal properties.

      When you don't get laid, tomorrow's prayer has the extra added oomph of involuntary continence. But if you do get laid—think on that a moment, will you? If you do manage to moisten the old wick, how many people would stop, before, during or after, and give thanks to a just creator?

      DAN and DEB are in bed at his apartment.

      DANNY: Well.

      DEBORAH: Well.

      DANNY: Yeah, well, hey . . . uh . . . (Pause.) I feel great. (Pause.) You?

      DEBORAH: Uh huh.

      DANNY: Yup. (Pause.) You, uh, you have to go to work (you work, right?) (DEB nods.) You have to go to work tomorrow?

      DEBORAH: Yes. Well . . .

      DANNY: You're going home?

      DEBORAH: Do you want me to?

      DANNY: Only if you want to. Do you want to?

      DEBORAH: Do you want me to stay? I don't know if it's such a good idea that I stay here tonight.

      DANNY: Why? (Pause.) I'd like you to stay. If you'd like to.

      DEB nods.

      DANNY: Well, then, all right, then. Huh? (Pause.)

      DEBORAH: I like your apartment.

      DANNY: Yeah? I'm glad.

      DEBORAH: I like it here.

      DANNY: So, look, so tell me. How would you like to eat dinner with me tomorrow. If you're not doing anything. If you're not too busy. If you're busy it's not important.

      DEBORAH: I'd love to eat dinner with you tomorrow.

      DANNY: You would, huh?

      DEBORAH: Yes.

      DANNY: Well, okay, that's nice. That's very nice. I'm going to look forward to that.

      DEBORAH: I could come over here and cook.

      DANNY: You could.

      DEBORAH: Yes.

      DANNY: You could come over here and cook dinner, you'd like to do that?

      DEBORAH: Yes.

      DANNY: We could do that . . .

      DEBORAH: Sure.

      DANNY: Yeah. We could do that. (Pause.) Let's do that.

      DEBORAH: Okay. (Pause.) I'm not really a Lesbian.

      DANNY: No?

      DEBORAH: But I have had some Lesbianic experiences.

      DANNY: What, like going to bed with other women?

      DEBORAH: . . . and I enjoyed them.

      DANNY (pause): Well, sure. (Pause.) You going to sleep?

      DEBORAH (sleepily): Yes.

      DANNY (Pause): You having a good time?

      DEBORAH (sleepily): Yes.

      DANNY: That's good. (Pause.) Goodnight.

      DEBORAH: Goodnight.

      Pause.

      DANNY: See you in the morning.

      The next morning, DEB and JOAN at their apartment. DEB enters.

      JOAN: So what's he like?

      DEBORAH: Who?