The following weekend, Marco was away and I was in the apartment alone. There was nothing but me and silence. I heard the whisper of God speak to me. God’s whisper said, “You must get out of this.”I answered; “how?” “Marco is all I have ever known!” I asked God “What it was going to be like to leave Marco?” I closed my eyes and heard the following.“You have such a wonderful life ahead of you, but if you remain in this relationship one day he will kill you! When you leave, it is not going to be easy. It will feel like you are drowning, you will go up and you will go down, but in the end you will land on a rock”. In my heart, at that moment, I decided to leave Marco.
The following week, my cousin Dawn called and asked me if Marco and I wanted to join her and her boyfriend on a double date in Washington, D.C. Throughout the week, we made plans for Friday evening. When Friday approached, Marco stated he had to study and he would not be able to go. He told me it was ok if I continued on with the plans without him.
Dawn arrived at the apartment around 7 pm and we began speaking about the plans for the evening. Marco listened intently as he would occasionaly glance up from his book. All of a sudden he said “Stacey you’re not going!” I looked at him and said, “Yes, I am going Dawn and I made plans all week and I am going!” Marco got up from his seat and approached me and said “You need to come into the bedroom.” He stormed into the bedroom. I looked at my cousin and said “Dawn, whatever you do, please do not leave me.” She nodded.
When I went into the room, he said “So you are showing off in front of your cousin, uh?” I said “No!, I am upset because I made plans all week and now they are ruined”. He said, “Well, I don’t want you to go and I said I want to go”. He said, “OK!” After the conversation, we both walked down the hall toward the living room. The room was silent, my cousin left. I felt empty inside. I turned quickly to look at Marco; he had the glare in his eyes. Quickly, he grabbed me and dragged me back into the bedroom. He slammed the door and began slapping me across the face. The tears, combined with the pressure of his force just made me close my eyes and struggle.
After he stopped beating me, he looked at me and said, “you know I love you.” I was silent. He sat up on the side of the bed and said “Get up and suck my dick.” I slowly got up and walked over to him. I placed each knee down on the floor. He opened his legs and I did as instructed with tears flowing down my face. After that, he raped me.
The Morning After
Early the next morning, Dawn called me to see how I was doing. I told her that she should not have left me. I told her that Marco raped and beat me. Dawn asked me if I wanted to go to Pennsylvania and visit my mother. I said, yes. I told Marco I was going home to see my mother. He gave me a blank stare. I packed an overnight bag and when my cousin arrived, I left.
During the 3 hour drive, I was quiet. Dawn talked about her evening with her boyfriend. I listened. All I could think about was the beating, sodomy, and rape I had endured. When we got to my mother's home, Dawn and I discussed a time for her to pick me up the next day. I grabbed my bags and went into the house.
I was excited to see my mother and step-father simply being normal. My mother was cleaning and cooking. My step-father was watching T.V. I said; “hello” and sat on the couch.They each asked how I was doing and I said’ “fine”. I did not say a lot, just watched T.V. and engaged in light conversation. Frequently, I would get up and walk into my bedroom and lie on the bed and rest.
That evening at dinner, my step-father looked at me and said; “Stacey, what happened to your lip?” I said, “Oh, I accidently hit myself”. He looked away and finished his meal.
After dinner I went to visit my grandmother. Her health was declining. I sat and talked with her about anything she wanted to talk about. She spoke about what she wanted to accomplish in life and how she felt held back. She often spoke to me about not achieving any of her goals in life. My grandmother could sing, dance, cook, and spoke fluent French. She told me her greatest accomplishment was raising kids; however her facial expression showed disappointment, not a sense of accomplishment.
After visiting with my grandmother, I went back home and watched a movie with my mother and step-father and went to bed. The next morning, I was quiet, ate breakfast, relaxed, and early that afternoon, Dawn picked me up and we were back on the road to Virginia. Before leaving, I promised my mother that I would call once I arrived home.
As promised, once I arrived home, I called home. When my mother answered the phone, I told her I made it home safely. My mother said, “Stacey, I want to ask you something.” I said, “ok.” She said, “Is Marco beating you?” I could not speak. My mother said; “George, said he noticed your lip and knew that you were being beat.” My mother asked, “How long has this been going on?” I said “two years.” She said, we have to get you out of there. I said’ “how?” She said, “I will call your Aunt Mia and I will be in touch.”
The next morning, my aunt contacted me and asked me if the physical abuse was true. I told her; “yes!” She said, “Your mother wants you out of this!” My aunt asked; “Why did you not tell anyone?” I said, “Because I did not trust anyone”. My aunt, got quiet and said, “By the end of the weekend, you will have to come live with me.” I said; “ok!” I broke down in tears.
Marco was going to be attending a study session at Howard University for most of the upcoming weekend. During the week, I planned with my aunt, the belongings I would take. Saturday morning came, my demeanor was normal to Marco. Before he left the apartment, he grabbed my arm and said; “if you should leave this apartment to even take out the garbage, I will beat you when I return!” Once he left, I called my aunt! She was there within an hour! We loaded the van with the belongings and I was gone! I cried, sobbed and wept all the way to Woodbridge.
The next day, I received a call from Marco and his voice was shaken. He said; “I can’t believe you did this to us?” He said; “I will make it work for us.” I said; “ok!” He said; “I would like to see you one last time.” I said, “ok. I can arrange a visit within the next week with my family waiting outside. He said; “ok.” We hung up and I sobbed.
The Visit
The following Saturday, I met Marco at the apartment. When I walked into the living room, there was no furniture. At that moment, I realized, for the first time, he was hurting. I stood there looking at him. He was playing music. I will never forget these two songs. “A House is Not a Home” by Luther Vandross and “Cause I Love You” by Lynnie Williams. Every time I hear the song “Cause I Love you” my facial expression becomes blank! This is PTSD at its best. There are some things that will always have an everlasting impression on my spirit, my mind and my SOUL! I left him sitting alone in the empty apartment.
I have spent a lifetime healing from this relationship. As I look back on my childhood, my sister and I witnessed, on numerous occasions domestic abuse. My mother was physically abused in front of us.
My sister and I thought my mother’s long-term boyfriend, Lyle, was our biological father. Tracey and I loved Lyle. Lyle bought us our first pets. Those dogs drove my mother crazy. Lyle would sit us on his lap and hug us like a dad should.
My mother and Lyle struggled to continue to keep a healthy relationship. My mother and Lyle would argue in front of us. I remember my mother saying; “They think that you are their dad?” He would look at her. Then, he would look a us, and he decided to stay.
One night, my mother and Lyle got in a physical fight. There was yelling! He took a telephone cord and wrapped it around my mother’s neck! My sister and I ran towards our mother; as we held onto her, the scuffle continued. All of a sudden, I broke loose and my sister still held onto our mother. As the struggle continued, all of a sudden, there was a crash and then silence! The crash, in the struggle, was the china cabinet. It fell