The Essential Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

It’s HIS voice, I tell you. Let me go. (He breaks away, and rushes to the inner door. It opens in his face; and the Strange Lady steps in. She is a very attractive lady, tall and extraordinarily graceful, with a delicately intelligent, apprehensive, questioning face — perception in the brow, sensitiveness in the nostrils, character in the chin: all keen, refined, and original. She is very feminine, but by no means weak: the lithe, tender figure is hung on a strong frame: the hands and feet, neck and shoulders, are no fragile ornaments, but of full size in proportion to her stature, which considerably exceeds that of Napoleon and the innkeeper, and leaves her at no disadvantage with the lieutenant. Only her elegance and radiant charm keep the secret of her size and strength. She is not, judging by her dress, an admirer of the latest fashions of the Directory; or perhaps she uses up her old dresses for travelling. At all events she wears no jacket with extravagant lappels, no Greco-Tallien sham chiton, nothing, indeed, that the Princesse de Lamballe might not have worn. Her dress of flowered silk is long waisted, with a Watteau pleat behind, but with the paniers reduced to mere rudiments, as she is too tall for them. It is cut low in the neck, where it is eked out by a creamy fichu. She is fair, with golden brown hair and grey eyes.)

      (She enters with the self-possession of a woman accustomed to the privileges of rank and beauty. The innkeeper, who has excellent natural manners, is highly appreciative of her. Napoleon, on whom her eyes first fall, is instantly smitten self-conscious. His color deepens: he becomes stiffer and less at ease than before. She perceives this instantly, and, not to embarrass him, turns in an infinitely well bred manner to pay the respect of a glance to the other gentleman, who is staring at her dress, as at the earth’s final masterpiece of treacherous dissimulation, with feelings altogether inexpressible and indescribable. As she looks at him, she becomes deadly pale. There is no mistaking her expression: a revelation of some fatal error utterly unexpected, has suddenly appalled her in the midst of tranquillity, security and victory. The next moment a wave of color rushes up from beneath the creamy fichu and drowns her whole face. One can see that she is blushing all over her body. Even the lieutenant, ordinarily incapable of observation, and just now lost in the tumult of his wrath, can see a thing when it is painted red for him. Interpreting the blush as the involuntary confession of black deceit confronted with its victim, he points to it with a loud crow of retributive triumph, and then, seizing her by the wrist, pulls her past him into the room as he claps the door to, and plants himself with his back to it.)

      LIEUTENANT. So I’ve got you, my lad. So you’ve disguised yourself, have you? (In a voice of thunder.) Take off that skirt.

      GIUSEPPE (remonstrating). Oh, lieutenant!

      LADY (affrighted, but highly indignant at his having dared to touch her). Gentlemen: I appeal to you. Giuseppe. (Making a movement as if to run to Giuseppe.)

      LIEUTENANT (interposing, sword in hand). No you don’t.

      LADY (taking refuge with Napoleon). Ah, sir, you are an officer — a general. You will protect me, will you not?

      LIEUTENANT. Never you mind him, General. Leave me to deal with him.

      NAPOLEON. With him! With whom, sir? Why do you treat this lady in such a fashion?

      LIEUTENANT. Lady! He’s a man! the man I showed my confidence in. (Advancing threateningly.) Here you —

      LADY (running behind Napoleon and in her agitation embracing the arm which he instinctively extends before her as a fortification). Oh, thank you, General. Keep him away.

      NAPOLEON. Nonsense, sir. This is certainly a lady (she suddenly drops his arm and blushes again); and you are under arrest. Put down your sword, sir, instantly.

      LIEUTENANT. General: I tell you he’s an Austrian spy. He passed himself off on me as one of General Massena’s staff this afternoon; and now he’s passing himself off on you as a woman. Am I to believe my own eyes or not?

      LADY. General: it must be my brother. He is on General Massena’s staff. He is very like me.

      LIEUTENANT (his mind giving way). Do you mean to say that you’re not your brother, but your sister? — the sister who was so like me? — who had my beautiful blue eyes? It was a lie: your eyes are not like mine: they’re exactly like your own. What perfidy!

      NAPOLEON. Lieutenant: will you obey my orders and leave the room, since you are convinced at last that this is no gentleman?

      LIEUTENANT. Gentleman! I should think not. No gentleman would have abused my confi —

      NAPOLEON (out of all patience). Enough, sir, enough. Will you leave the room. I order you to leave the room.

      LADY. Oh, pray let ME go instead.

      NAPOLEON (drily). Excuse me, madame. With all respect to your brother, I do not yet understand what an officer on General Massena’s staff wants with my letters. I have some questions to put to you.

      GIUSEPPE (discreetly). Come, lieutenant. (He opens the door.)

      LIEUTENANT. I’m off. General: take warning by me: be on your guard against the better side of your nature. (To the lady.) Madame: my apologies. I thought you were the same person, only of the opposite sex; and that naturally misled me.

      LADY (sweetly). It was not your fault, was it? I’m so glad you’re not angry with me any longer, lieutenant. (She offers her hand.)

      LIEUTENANT (bending gallantly to kiss it). Oh, madam, not the lea — (Checking himself and looking at it.) You have your brother’s hand. And the same sort of ring.

      LADY (sweetly). We are twins.

      LIEUTENANT. That accounts for it. (He kisses her hand.) A thousand pardons. I didn’t mind about the despatches at all: that’s more the General’s affair than mine: it was the abuse of my confidence through the better side of my nature. (Taking his cap, gloves, and whip from the table and going.) You’ll excuse my leaving you, General, I hope. Very sorry, I’m sure. (He talks himself out of the room. Giuseppe follows him and shuts the door.)

      NAPOLEON (looking after them with concentrated irritation). Idiot! (The Strange Lady smiles sympathetically. He comes frowning down the room between the table and the fireplace, all his awkwardness gone now that he is alone with her.)

      LADY. How can I thank you, General, for your protection?

      NAPOLEON (turning on her suddenly). My despatches: come! (He puts out his hand for them.)

      LADY. General! (She involuntarily puts her hands on her fichu as if to protect something there.)

      NAPOLEON. You tricked that blockhead out of them. You disguised yourself as a man. I want my despatches. They are there in the bosom of your dress, under your hands.

      LADY (quickly removing her hands). Oh, how unkindly you are speaking to me! (She takes her handkerchief from her fichu.) You frighten me. (She touches her eyes as if to wipe away a tear.)

      NAPOLEON. I see you don’t know me madam, or you would save yourself the trouble of pretending to cry.

      LADY (producing an effect of smiling through her tears). Yes, I do know you. You are the famous General Buonaparte. (She gives the name a marked Italian pronunciation Bwaw-na-parr-te.)

      NAPOLEON (angrily, with the French pronunciation). Bonaparte, madame, Bonaparte. The papers, if you please.

      LADY. But I assure you — (He snatches the handkerchief rudely from her.) General! (Indignantly.)

      NAPOLEON (taking the other handkerchief from his breast). You were good enough to lend one of your handkerchiefs to my lieutenant when you robbed him. (He looks at the two handkerchiefs.) They match one another. (He smells them.) The same scent. (He flings them down on the table.) I am waiting for the despatches. I shall take them, if necessary, with as little ceremony as the handkerchief. (This historical incident was used eighty years later, by M. Victorien Sardou, in his drama entitled “Dora.”)

      LADY (in dignified reproof). General: do you threaten women?

      NAPOLEON (bluntly). Yes.

      LADY (disconcerted, trying