Shipuchin : But, Tanyusha, we’re disturbing Mr. Hirin. Go home, darling, and afterwards ——
Tatiana: Never mind, never mind, let him listen too. It’s very interesting; I’m just finishing. At the station, Sereja came to meet me. She had brought some young man, an inspector of taxes, I think, nothing particular to look at, very nice, especially the eyes — Sereja introduced him and we all three went off together. The weather was wonderful—— (Voices off: “You mustn’t! You mustn’t! What do you want?” Enter Mrs. Merchutkin, old, in a cloak.)
Merchutkin (at the door, fanning herself): What are you stopping me for? I must go myself! (Enters; to Shipuchin.) Allow me to introduce myself, your excellency, I am the wife of Mr.Merchutkin.
Shipuchin: What can I do for you?
Merchutkin: Please listen, your excellency; my husband was ill for five months and while he was lying at home getting better, they dismissed him without any reason, your excellency, and when I went for his salary, please listen, they had taken a quarter off his salary. “Why?” I asked them. “He’s been borrowing from the fund,” they told me, “and other people guaranteed him.” How can that be? He can’t take anything without my consent! They mustn’t do it, your excellency! I’m a poor woman, and live by lodgers. I’m a weak, defenceless woman
everybody insults me, and I never hear a kind word from anybody.
Shipuchin: Permit me. (Takes her application and reads it, standing.)
Tatiana (to Hirin): But I must begin at the beginning. Suddenly last week I got a letter from Mama. She wrote that a certain Grendelevski had proposed to my sister Kate. An excellent, modest young man, but without any means and with no particular position. And apparently, just imagine, Kate was attracted by him. What was to be done? Mama wrote to me to come at once and use my influence over my sister.
Hirin (roughly): Excuse me, you’re disturbing me! You and Mama and Kate — here am I disturbed and I don’t understand anything.
Tatiana: There’s seriousness! Why are you so bad-tempered to-day? You’re in love? (Smiles.)
Shipuchin (to Merchutkin): Excuse me, what is all this about? I don’t understand.
Tatiana: In love? Aha! He blushed!
Shipuchin (to his wife): Tanyusha darling, just go into the office for half a minute. I’ll come immediately.
Tatiana: Very well, dear. (Exit.)
Shipuchin: I don’t understand. You’ve evidently made a mistake, Madame. Your application does not concern us at all. Just give yourself the trouble to apply to the government department in which your husband worked.
Merchutkin: Kind sir, I have been there already five months, and they won’t take in the application. I nearly went out of my head, but luckily my son-in-law Boris advised me to come to you. “Mama,” he said, “apply to Mr. Shipuchin; he’s an influential man and can do anything.” Help me, your excellency!
Shipuchin: We can’t do anything for you, Mrs. Merchutkin. Do you understand — your husband, as far as I can judge, served in the Army Medical Department, but this is a perfectly private commercial establishment; this is a bank. Surely you understand?
Merchutkin: Your excellency, I have a doctor’s certificate about my husband’s illness. Here it is, please look at it——
Shipuchin (irritably): Certainly; I believe you; but, once again, this does not concern us. (Off, Tatiana’s laugh, followed by male laughter.)
Shipuchin (looking through the door): She’s disturbing the clerks out there. (To Merchutkin.) It’s curious; it’s quite ridiculous. Does your husband really not know where you should apply?
Merchutkin: Your excellency, I must tell you, he knows nothing! He keeps on saying, “It’s not your business; go away!” That’s all!
Shipuchin: Once again, Madame — Your husband served in the Army Medical Department, and this is a bank, a private commercial establishment.
Merchutkin: Oh, yes, yes, yes, I understand, kind sir. In that case, your excellency, tell them to give me just a little. I’m quite willing not to take it all at once.
Shipuchin (sighs): Ugh!
Hirin: Mr. Shipuchin, I shall never finish the report like this.
Shipuchin: One moment! (To Merchutkin.) I can’t explain it to you, you see. Now please understand that to come to us with an application like this is as strange as to apply for a divorce, say, at a chemist’s or an assay-office. (A knock at the door, and Tatiana’s voice : “Andrew, may I come in?”)
Shipuchin (calls out): Wait a second, darling; one second! (To Merchutkin.) They didn’t pay you, but what have we got to do with it? Besides, Madame, we have a jubilee to-day and we’re busy — and at any moment someone might come — Excuse me.
Merchutkin: Your excellency, take pity on me, an orphan. I am a weak, defenceless woman. I'm worried to death. What with law-cases with the lodgers and trouble on account of my husband and running about with the housework, and then my son-in-law still without a position——
Shipuchin: Mrs. Merchutkin, I — no, excuse me, I can’t talk to you! My head’s quite dizzy. You’re disturbing us, and wasting our time for nothing. (Sighs; aside.) I know what’ll stop her, or I’m not Shipuchin! (To Hirin.) Mr. Hirin! Please explain to Mrs. Merchutkin. (Waves his hand, and goes out.)
Hirin (approaches her roughly): What can I do for you?
Merchutkin: I am a weak, defenceless woman. Perhaps I look strong, but if you come to examine me I've not got a single healthy vein in me! I can hardly stand on my legs, and my appetite's quite gone. This morning I drank my coffee without any pleasure.
Hirin: I ask you, what can I do for you?
Merchutkin: Kind sir, tell them to give me just a little, and let the rest wait a few months.
Hirin: It seems to me, you were told in plain language — this is a bank!
Merchutkin: Yes, yes; and if it’s needed I can produce a medical certificate.
Hirin: What have you got on your shoulders, a head, or what?
Merchutkin: Dear gentleman, I’m only asking for my legal rights. I don’t want anything of anybody else’s.
Hirin: I ask you, Madame, what have you got on your shoulders, a head, or what? Oh, Lord! I’ve no time to talk to you. I'm busy. (Points to the door.) Please!
Merchutkin (surprised): And the money?
Hirin: What it comes to is this — you haven't got a head on your shoulders, but—— (Raps his finger on the table, and then on his forehead.)
Merchutkin (watching him): What! Oh, that won’t do! That won’t do! Do that to your own wife! You don’t do that to me!
Hirin (angrily; shouting): Get out of it!
Merchutkin: That won’t do! That won’t do! I’m not afraid of you! We’ve seen your sort before! Creature!
Hirin (shouting): I don’t think in all my life I ever saw anything so repugnant. Ugh! It’s going to my head! (Breathes with difficulty.) I’ll tell you again! Are you listening? If you don’t go away from here, you old witch, I’ll grind you to powder! I’ve got such a character, that I could make a cripple of you for life! I can commit a crime!
Merchutkin: “The