AUTHOR—"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have ever done."
A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal, Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew where Huckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen." Then he said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met the gemmen." "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah, I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice."
AUTHORSHIP
TED—"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I was disappointed."
NED—"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written than the book."
AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS
"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said the missus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?"
"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a newspaper recently:
"Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way;
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."
A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.
"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had made the arrest.
"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemed suspicious?"
"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of the street, so I arrested him."
"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"
"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picture post-card of a hospital."
A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearing in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approached and stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and asked in an embarrassed manner, "How much?"
"One dollar," said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment, remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it belongs to?"
AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING
"Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to the auctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The auctioneer was equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty miles an hour it exhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty miles a gramophone begins to play, 'I'm going to be an angel, and with the angels dwell'"
"Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln split rails."
"I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever crank a cold motor in a blizzard for half an hour before he discovered that he didn't have any gasoline?"
The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so people in the new neighborhood will think you were the one who used it.
"I understand that you have a new motor-car."
"Yes."
"Do you drive it yourself?"
"Nobody drives it. We coax it."
"We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house."
"Is your wife cheerful about it?"
"Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile."
SHE—"Tell me, is an F.O.B. Detroit a reliable car?"
"I have never owned any automobiles," said the man who hadn't yet paid for his home, "but I can say one thing in praise of them."
"What is that?" inquired Henderson.
"They have made mortgages respectable."—Judge.
"I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a car?"
"He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten gallons of gasoline."
An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding pieces of rubber in the sausage meat and demanded an explanation. The butcher said, "It is only another proof of how the automobile is taking the place of the horse."
"Hello, old top. New car?"
"No! Old car, new top."
A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who had slackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse and the motor-car.
"Give me a 'orse," remarked the farmer; "them traveling oil-shops is too uncertain fer my likin'."
"Eet is prejudice, my friend." the chauffeur replied; "you Engleesh are behind ze times; you will think deefairent some day."
"Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' time the Proosians are round Paris and you have to git your dinner off a steak from the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you Frenshmen'll wish you wasn't so bloomin' well up-to-date!"
"What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle.
"That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save in car-fare, and all that, if you had your own machine," replied Teggard, who had been worked just that way.
An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear the exhibitors confirm their judgment.
"I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand car."
"Need more exercise?"
"I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that broken-down old automobile!"
"Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted drive-shaft, a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a bum battery, a dilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it is just as good as new. Outside of buying four sets of tires, three new springs, a new top, two rear axles, a couple of batteries, having the valves ground sixteen times, the clutch tightened every week and the self-starter repaired now and then, I have never spent one cent for repairs. The old boat hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, will average fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceed twenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of paint, and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. Because of the difficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely guarantee your wife will never be able to drive it, and—"
"Never mind the rest. I'll take it!"
"I thought you owned an automobile."
"I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back to the street-cars."
"Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day."
"How come, niggah?"
"I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B—4."
"Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that."—Judge.
The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darned horse balks at the same time.
BILL—"Just happened