Betsey Bobbett. Marietta Holley

linement.

      Sam. But the Elder has belated us dreadfully with our Monday’s work. Here it is most night and we have only fairly got to work. But we can finish it in the morning. Yes, as I was a saying Tirzah Ann, Betsey hain’t handsome, her cheek bones are too high, and she, being not much more than skin and bone, they show more than if she was in good order. Time has seen fit to deprive her of her hair and teeth, but her large nose he has kindly suffered her to keep. I have seen a good many that was sentimental that had it bad; but Betsey has got it the worst of anybody I ever did see, unless it is her brother Shakespeare, and he acts as spoony round you, Tirzah Ann, as any spoon on my buttery shelves. It worrys me.

      Wid D. My Doodle used to act spoony, as spoony as—as a teaspoon.

      Sam. Wall if I thought there was any danger, Tirzah Ann, of you falling in love with Shakespeare Bobbett, I’d give you a good thoroughwort puke. That will cure most anybody if you take it in time.

      Tirz. A. Wall, I guess there hain’t no chance, mother.

      Sam. Wall, mabby not. Now you wring the clothes out, Tirzah Ann, and hang ’em right up here on the line.

      Tirz. A. They will look awfully, mother, hangin’ up here. We shall look as if we was settin’ in a wet calico tent.

      Sam. I don’t care, Tirzah Ann, we are so beat out we shall go to bed as soon as it is dark.

      Tirz. A. We shall have to any way, for father forgot to take the kerosine can, and there hain’t a lamp in the house that we can light. But oh, dear, how it does look here, mother. I never in my hull life see our house look as it does to-night. It would mortify me most to death if any body should come in.

      Sam. Wall, there hain’t no danger of anybody comin’ Monday; and we will slick up the first thing in the morning. But bein’ up all night with Thomas Jefferson, and then havin’ to wait on the Elder, and doin’ our Monday’s work in the atternoon, has about used me up, and if you think you can finish up Tirzah Ann, I will soak my feet and go to bed. I am afraid I am goin’ to be awful sick. I feel sick to my stomach all of a sudden, and every bit of noise goes through my head like a sword.

      Wid. D. Let me get you some warm water, Samantha. Here, put your feet right into it; and here, put your night-cap on. Oh dear me, how much that sickness to the stomach makes me think of Doodle. Do you feel better, Samantha?

      Sam. I shan’t feel any better till I get to bed.

      Enter Josiah.

      Tirz. A. Why, what is the matter father?

      Josiah (groaning). Oh! I have been took with a dumb creek in my back. Give me some of that linement quick, and rub it onto my shoulders, Tirzah Ann. What is the matter with your mother? Is she sick?

      Wid. D. Oh yes; Samantha is awful sick—took sudden—and there is Thomas J. up stairs sick abed. If there was ever a distressed house, this is the house.

      Tirz. A. It looks distressed, anyway.

      Wid. D. Josiah, won’t you try some of the Green Mounting salve?

      Josiah. Oh! I don’t know; I can’t set down, or stand up; I am awful bad off. I want to get to bed as soon as I can.

      Wid. D. Try the Green Mounting salve, brother Josiah; and oh how much that salve makes me think——(looking out the window)

      Tirz. A. Why, for mercy’s sake! Who is coming? There is a whole house-full of folks on the door-step. (Tirzah Ann and the Widder Doodle runs out of the room, as the door opens, and ten or fifteen people come in, headed by Betsey Bobbett. Josiah tries to fix his shirt and vest round his shoulders before they get in but he can’t, so he dives under the table. Samantha stands her ground. She stands up and confronts them.)

      Betsey B. We have come to surprise you! And in order to more sweetly surprise you, we have come Monday night, and come early. Will you not let us surprise you?

      Sam. No! no! We will not be surprised! You shan’t surprise us to-night! We won’t be surprised! Speak, Josiah; tell her; will we be surprised to-night?

      Josiah. (Looking out from under the table spread) No; No; we will not be surprised.

      Bet. B. You see dear friends she will not let us surprise her; we will go. (They all go out. Betsey goes last, and she turns around at the door and says) Maybe it is right and propah to serve a young girl, who has always been your friend, in this way. I have known you a long time Josiah Allen’s wife.

      Sam. (Stepping out of the foot bath and shutting up the door) I have known you plenty long enough.

      Josiah. (Coming out from under the table) Darn surprise parties, and darn——

      Sam. Stop swearin’, Josiah Allen; I should think we was bad enough off without swearing. But I hate surprise parties as bad as you do. Betsey Bobbett has led ’em into one house where they had the small-pox, and one where they was makin’ preparations for a funeral. They are perfect nusances. It stands to reason so long as anybody has got a tongue, if they want to see their friends to their house, they can invite ’em, and if anybody is too poor to bake a cake or two, and a pan of cookies, they are too poor to go into company at all. I hain’t proud, and never was called so, but I don’t want Tom, Dick, and Harry, that I never spoke to in my life, feel free to break into my house any time they please. I perfectly detest surprise parties; but you don’t ketch me swearin’ about it.

      Jos. Wall; I will say darn Betsey Bobbett; there now, darn her; oh! my back; (slowly sitting down) I can’t sit down, nor stand down.

      Sam. You went under the table quick enough when they come in.

      Jos. Throw that in my face, will you? What could I do? My clothes all fallin’ of me.

      Sam. Wall, Josiah, less be thankful that we are as well off as we be. Betsey might have insisted on surprisin’ us. Do you s’pose they will be mad?

      Jos. I don’t know, nor care, but I hope they will.

      CURTAIN FALLS.