You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,
You will bestow her on Orlando here?
Duke S.
That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.
Ros.
And you say you will have her, when I bring her.
Orl.
That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.
Ros.
You say you’ll marry me, if I be willing?
Phe.
That will I, should I die the hour after.
Ros.
But if you do refuse to marry me,
You’ll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?
Phe.
So is the bargain.
Ros.
You say that you’ll have Phebe, if she will?
Sil.
Though to have her and death were both one thing.
Ros.
I have promis’d to make all this matter even:
Keep you your word, O Duke, to give your daughter;
You, yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter;
Keep you your word, Phebe, that you’ll marry me,
Or else, refusing me, to wed this shepherd;
Keep your word, Silvius, that you’ll marry her
If she refuse me; and from hence I go
To make these doubts all even.
Exeunt Rosalind and Celia.
Duke S.
I do remember in this shepherd boy
Some lively touches of my daughter’s favor.
Orl.
My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
Methought he was a brother to your daughter.
But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,
And hath been tutor’d in the rudiments
Of many desperate studies by his uncle,
Whom he reports to be a great magician,
Obscured in the circle of this forest.
Enter Clown [Touchstone] and Audrey.
Jaq. There is sure another flood toward, and these couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are call’d fools.
Touch. Salutation and greeting to you all!
Jaq. Good my lord, bid him welcome. This is the motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in the forest. He hath been a courtier, he swears.
Touch. If any man doubt that, let him put me to my purgation. I have trod a measure, I have flatt’red a lady, I have been politic with my friend, smooth with mine enemy, I have undone three tailors, I have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.
Jaq. And how was that ta’en up?
Touch. Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the seventh cause.
Jaq. How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.
Duke S. I like him very well.
Touch. God ’ild you, sir, I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear and to forswear, according as marriage binds and blood breaks. A poor virgin, sir, an ill-favor’d thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humor of mine, sir, to take that that no man else will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house, as your pearl in your foul oyster.
Duke S. By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
Touch. According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.
Jaq. But for the seventh cause—how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?
Touch. Upon a lie seven times remov’d (bear your body more seeming, Audrey), as thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard. He sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is call’d the Retort Courteous. If I sent him word again, it was not well cut, he would send me word he cut it to please himself: this is call’d the Quip Modest. If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my judgment: this is call’d the Reply Churlish. If again, it was not well cut, he would answer I spake not true: this is call’d the Reproof Valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say I lie: this is call’d the Countercheck Quarrelsome; and so to Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.
Jaq. And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
Touch. I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we measur’d swords and parted.
Jaq. Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?
Touch. O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book—as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fift, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixt, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an If, as, “If you said so, then I said so”; and they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the only peacemaker; much virtue in If.
Jaq. Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? He’s as good at any thing, and yet a fool.
Duke S. He uses his folly like a stalking-horse, and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
Enter Hymen, Rosalind, and Celia. Still music.
Hym.
Then is there mirth in heaven,
When earthly things made even
Atone together.
Good Duke, receive thy daughter,
Hymen from heaven brought her,
Yea, brought her hither,
That thou mightst join [her] hand with his
Whose heart within his bosom is.
Ros. [To Duke Senior.]
To you I give myself, for I am yours.
[To Orlando.]
To you I give myself, for I am yours.
Duke S.
If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.
Orl.
If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.
Phe.
If sight and shape be true,
Why then my