He passed his hand gently over my hair.
I hesitated a little, but I could not help myself, and I told him the whole story from beginning to end.
'Poverino!' he said, when I had finished; then, clenching his teeth, 'She is a beast, that woman!'
'I ought to have taken your warning, Matteo, but I was a fool.'
'Who ever does take warning!' he answered, shrugging his shoulders. 'How could you be expected to believe me?'
'But I believe you now. I am horrified when I think of her vice and cruelty.'
'Ah, well, it is over now.'
'Quite! I hate her and despise her. Oh, I wish I could get her face to face and tell her what I think of her.'
I thought my talk with Matteo had relieved me, I thought the worst was over; but at night melancholy came on me stronger than ever, and I groaned as I threw myself on my bed. I felt so terribly alone in the world.... I had no relation but a half-brother, a boy of twelve, whom I had hardly seen; and as I wandered through the land, an exile, I had been continually assailed by the hateful demon of loneliness. And sometimes in my solitude I had felt that I could kill myself. But when I found I was in love with Giulia, I cried aloud with joy.... I threw everything to the winds, gathering myself up for the supreme effort of passion. All the storm and stress were passed; I was no longer alone, for I had someone to whom I could give my love. I was like the ship that arrives in the harbour, and reefs her sails and clears her deck, settling down in the quietness of the waters.
And now all was over! Oh God, to think that my hopes should be shattered in so short a time, that the ship should be so soon tossed about in the storm, and the stars hidden by the clouds! And the past delight made the present darkness all the more bitter. I groaned. In my misery I uttered a prayer to God to help me. I could not think I should live henceforth. How could I go on existing with this aching void in my heart? I could not spend days and weeks and years always with this despair. It was too terrible to last. My reason told me that time would remedy it; but time was so long, and what misery must I go through before the wound was healed! And as I thought of what I had lost, my agony grew more unbearable. It grew vivid, and I felt Giulia in my arms. I panted as I pressed my lips against hers, and I said to her,—
'How could you!'
I buried my face in my hands, so as better to enjoy my dream. I smelt the perfume of her breath; I felt on my face the light touch of her hair. But it would not last. I tried to seize the image and hold it back, but it vanished and left me broken-hearted....
I knew I did not hate her. I had pretended to, but the words came from the mouth. In my heart I loved her still, more passionately than ever. What did I care if she was heartless and cruel and faithless and vicious! It was nothing to me as long as I could hold her in my arms and cover her with kisses. I did despise her; I knew her for what she was, but still I loved her insanely. Oh, if she would only come back to me! I would willingly forget everything and forgive her. Nay, I would ask her forgiveness and grovel before her, if she would only let me enjoy her love again.
I would go back to her and fall on my knees, and pray her to be merciful. Why should I suppose she had changed in the few days. I knew she would treat me with the same indifference, and only feel a wondering contempt that I should so abase myself. It came like a blow in the face, the thought of her cold cruelty and her calmness. No, I vowed I would never subject myself to that again. I felt myself blush at the remembrance of the humiliation. But perhaps she was sorry for what she had done. I knew her pride would prevent her from coming or sending to me, and should I give her no opportunity? Perhaps, if we saw one another for a few moments everything might be arranged, and I might be happy again. An immense feeling of hope filled me. I thought I must be right in my idea; she could not be so heartless as to have no regret. How willingly I would take her back! My heart leaped. But I dared not go to her house. I knew I should find her on the morrow at her father's, who was going to give a banquet to some friends. I would speak to her there, casually, as if we were ordinary acquaintances; and then at the first sign of yielding on her part, even if I saw but a tinge of regret in her eyes, I would burst out. I was happy in my plan, and I went to sleep with the name of Giulia on my lips and her image in my heart.
XIV
I went to the Moratini Palace, and with beating heart looked round for Giulia. She was surrounded by her usual court, and seemed more lively and excited than ever. I had never seen her more beautiful. She was dressed all in white, and her sleeves were sewn with pearls; she looked like a bride. She caught sight of me at once, but pretended not to see me, and went on talking.
I approached her brother Alessandro and said to him casually,—
'I am told a cousin of your sister has come to Forli. Is he here to-day?'
He looked at me inquiringly, not immediately understanding.
'Giorgio dall' Aste,' I explained.
'Oh, I didn't know you meant him. No, he's not here. He and Giulia's husband were not friends, and so—'
'Why were they not friends?' I interrupted, on the spur of the moment, not seeing the impertinence of the question till I had made it.
'Oh, I don't know. Relations always are at enmity with one another; probably some disagreement with regard to their estates.'
'Was that all?'
'So far as I know.'
I recollected that in a scandal the persons most interested are the last to hear it. The husband hears nothing of his wife's treachery till all the town knows every detail.
'I should like to have seen him,' I went on.
'Giorgo? Oh, he's a weak sort of creature; one of those men who commit sins and repent!'
'That is not a fault of which you will ever be guilty, Alessandro,' I said, smiling.
'I sincerely hope not. After all, if a man has a conscience he ought not to do wrong. But if he does he must be a very poor sort of a fool to repent.'
'You cannot have the rose without the thorn.'
'Why not? It only needs care. There are dregs at the bottom of every cup, but you are not obliged to drink them.'
'You have made up your mind that if you commit sins you are ready to go to hell for them?' I said.
'It is braver than going to Heaven by the back door, turning pious when you are too old to do anything you shouldn't.'
'I agree with you that one has little respect for the man who turns monk when things go wrong with him.'
I saw that Giulia was alone, and seized the opportunity to speak with her.
'Giulia,' I said, approaching.
She looked at me for a moment with an air of perplexity, as if she really could not remember whom I was.
'Ah, Messer Filippo!' she said, as if suddenly recollecting.
'It is not so long since we met that you can have forgotten me.'
'Yes. I remember last time you did me the honour to visit me you were very rude and cross.'
I looked at her silently, wondering.
'Well?' she said, steadily answering my gaze and smiling.
'Have you nothing more to say to me than that?' I asked in an undertone.
'What do you want me to say to you?'
'Are you quite heartless?'
She gave a sigh of boredom, and looked to the other end of the room, as if for someone to come and break a tedious conversation.
'How could you!' I whispered.