One day, my mom suggested I invite my new friends over to our house to play. She bought cookie mixes, bright colored icing, and sprinkles for decoration. While we chatted and baked in the kitchen, my mom puttered around nearby. I later learned that she had noticed something disturbing in my behavior and wanted a chance to meet the girls I’d been spending time with.
As she listened, she was horrified by what she heard. The entire time we were baking, Kristen and the Pony Pals gossiped, criticized other girls in our class, and obsessed over boys. One of the Pony Pals had a birthday coming up, and Kristen told her which classmates she shouldn’t invite to her party.
After they left, my mom and I chatted as we cleaned up the kitchen. She explained that people who say mean things about classmates and who get mad when their friends play with other people aren’t acting like true friends.
The next day at recess I told Kristen I didn’t want to be a Pony Pal anymore. Even though the next few weeks of school were difficult, I eventually made friends with other girls who weren’t so demanding.
By teaching me to recognize and address manipulative behavior when I was young, my mom helped me avoid a lot of trouble and heartbreak as I got older. Where is the best place for kids to learn discernment? Not at school. Not on the playground. Not on the job. Not even at church. It’s at home. Parents are the ones best equipped to help their children learn the delicate balance between cynicism and naiveté.
Mom: They say it takes a village to raise a child, but if parents aren’t paying attention, a village can also ruin their child.
The goal parents are striving for with their children is found in the wise words of Christ as He sent His disciples into the world. We want them to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)
3. Stupid is shortsighted.
Foolishness does not consider the consequences of poor decisions. Case in point: Nathan Wayne Pugh, 49, of Sachse, Texas, approached a teller at a Wells Fargo Bank and told her he was robbing the bank. While setting off the silent alarm, the courageous clerk informed Mr. Pugh that it was company policy not to release cash to anyone unless he first produced two pieces of ID. The dimwitted robber complied, including handing over his bankcard for that branch. The cashier jotted down the information and surrendered the funds. The police arrested Pugh as he exited the building.
Unfortunately, foolish behavior is common. We knew a teenager who was the star quarterback of his high school football team and a popular student. Drafted by a major college football program, his future sparkled with possibilities. But, with his growing popularity, the youth became increasingly attracted to the party scene. He began to drink heavily and experiment with drugs. Late night parties took their toll as he neglected his studies and abused his health. An injury ended his promising career. He plunged into a destructive spiral of drugs and alcohol that ultimately led to his expulsion from school. A life latent with potential was pitifully wasted.
Shortsighted thinking can lead to a disappointing future. Lisa and I (Richard) regularly discussed with our children people’s flawed thinking and unwise decisions, whether it was in the news or in the town where we lived. Sometimes that meant pointing out mistakes made by their peers. Our intention was not to gossip or to condemn, but to help our children see clearly the graphic consequences of bad decisions.
Teach Your Kids to Think
When I (Carrie) was a teenager, our family doctor told me about her beloved grandfather and how much she had learned from him when she was my age. Every time she and her siblings prepared to go home after visiting him, he would take each one by the shoulders, look directly into their eyes, and say, “THINK.” Then he’d kiss them on the forehead and let them go.
Here are some ways to teach your children how to think:
1. Help your children process the actions of those around them.
When Mike and Daniel were teenagers, they had a number of great friends, both male and female. They often hosted “guy nights” at our house where several of the boys would cook disgusting food, play video games or street hockey, shoot baskets, and build a fire in the backyard fire pit.
During their teen years, many of their friends started dating. Most of them still found time to hang out with the guys, but a few would go AWOL once they had a girlfriend. Eventually they would break up with their gal and come back to spend time with the guys again—until they found their next girlfriend. The cycle continued.
I (Richard) once asked my boys what they thought about this on-again off-again buddy system. They said they felt used—like stand-ins until the next girl came along. They assured me that when they started dating, they would make an effort to maintain healthy friendships with other guys. Sure enough, they did.
It’s not appropriate to nit-pick and look for faults in your children’s friends. However, it is important to help your kids learn by processing the actions of those around them. And it is possible to think critically without being judgmental—it’s called discernment.
Mom: It takes tact and diplomacy, but you can hold and express strong opinions without necessarily being offensive or annoying.
Fictional scenarios in books, television, or movies can provide plenty of talking points for you and your family about values, morality, and decision-making. In addition, the media frequently highlights real-life examples of the disastrous consequences of immoral choices—an athlete is caught doping, or a politician’s unethical behavior is exposed. However, your sons and daughters are most influenced by the people they interact with on a daily basis. Therefore, they can avoid numerous pitfalls if you help them evaluate the behavior (and its correlating outcome) of their peers. People have often commented that Lisa and I were fortunate because our children didn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, or engage in other damaging behaviors. We are grateful that they didn’t, but it wasn’t a fluke of good fortune. The fact is that we expended a great deal of effort helping them learn to recognize—and avoid—destructive behavior.
2. Surround your children with thinkers.
Be intentional about introducing your children to interesting people. Invite well-read or widely traveled acquaintances to your home. Rather than shooing your children away while the adults visit, invite your kids to listen in. I (Richard) have fond memories from my childhood of fascinating guests who sat at our dinner table. These people held me spellbound as they recounted amazing experiences and described exotic places. I learned that the world was much larger than my little neighborhood.
Mom: Parents, teach your kids to make periodic course corrections with their life so they stay on the path to success and avoid dead ends.
Another way to expose your children to deep thinkers is by encouraging them to read great books. We had a standing offer in our home: “If you will read it, we will buy it.” That led to a house décor that was distinctly neo-classical Bodleian Library. We had books spilling off shelves in every room of the house. Proverbs 13:20 promises, “He who walks with wise men will be wise.” By promoting good literature, our family walked with the giants of history. Often those books sparked discussions and debates around our kitchen table.
It’s easy to fall short when it comes to teaching our children to think, especially if we rely on the education system to do it for us. At home, it’s less stressful for most parents to turn on the TV than it is to persuade their children to read. Fun family times are important, but being the reigning champion of Mario Kart or Mafia Wars is not necessarily going to help you navigate the complex pathways of life. Spending time as a family watching Monday Night Football might provide some bonding moments, but it probably won’t expand the capacity of your children’s cerebral cortex.