The Return of the Charlie Monsters. John R. Erickson

      Back to the kitty. He was gazing up at the sky and said, “Let’s see, that was Point One. Was there a Point Two?”

      “Yes, and I’m glad you asked. Point Two is that you’re too fat and lazy to be chasing turkeys. I can’t think of a nicer way of saying it.” I moved closer and glared into his scheming little eyes. “You looked pathetic, Pete. You got skunked by a bunch of dumb birds. You’re an embarrassment to the whole ranch.”

      “That bad, huh?”

      “That bad. Go back to your iris patch and leave the turkey-chasing to those who know how to do it.”

      He rolled over on his back and began slapping at his tail. “And who might that be, Hankie?”

      “The pros, Kitty, coyotes and bobcats. They’re in top shape, and they know how to do it. You’re not in their league.”

      “And how about…you?”

      “Huh? Me? Well, I…” His question caught me off guard. “I’ve chased a few turkeys in my time, but that was long ago. I’ve chosen not to do it any more.”

      “How noble! Or, could it be,” he fluttered his eyelids, “that you’ve gotten old, fat, and out of shape? That happens, Hankie.”

      “Yeah? It happens to cats, but not to…will you excuse us a moment? Drover and I need to have a word.” I motioned to Drover and we moved a few steps away where we could speak in privacy. “What’s this cat up to?”

      “You don’t reckon he’s trying to pull a trick, do you?”

      “Of course he is, but the question is, which way is he tricking? See, cats never do the obvious. They feint one way and go the other.”

      Drover studied the cat. “Well, he hasn’t fainted yet, so maybe there’s no trick this time.”

      “Drover, there’s always a trick up a cat’s sleeve.”

      “Yeah, but he doesn’t have any sleeves.”

      “That’s the whole point. This could be the old Invisible Trick trick. I’ve seen it before.”

      “If it’s invisible, how can you see it?”

      “What?”

      “I said…what’ll we do now?”

      I threw a glance over to the cat. He was rolling around in the grass and playing with his tail. “Okay, listen up. Our response will come in two stages. In Stage One, we will play dumb.”

      “That rhymes. Stage One, play dumb.”

      “Never mind that it rhymes.”

      “That rhymes too.”

      “Drover, please concentrate. Repeat our orders for Stage One.”

      He wadded up his face and squinted one eye. “Let’s see. We honk?”

      The air hissed out of my lungs. “No, we don’t honk. We play dumb.”

      “Boy, that’ll be hard.”

      “I know, but we have to pull it off. In Stage One, we want Kitty to think we’re just a couple of dumb dogs.”

      “Got it. What about Stage Three?”

      I struggled to control my temper. “We don’t have a Stage Three.”

      “Oh, sorry. What about Stage Four?”

      “Stage Four will be complicated, so pay attention. We will expose his Invisible Trick. We’ll figure out what he doesn’t want us to do, then we won’t do the opposite. We’ll chop down the trees until we find the forest, and please don’t roll your eyes when I’m giving instructions.”

      “Sorry, but I’m confused.”

      “Here’s all you need to know.” I tapped myself on the head. “I’ve got it all right here. Just follow my lead. Any questions?”

      “How come we’re doing all this stuff?”

      I lifted my head to a proud angle and looked him straight in the eyes. “We’re doing it because he’s a cat and we’re dogs. It’s our doggie as dudes to keep the cats humble. You’re rolling your eyes again.”

      “I didn’t understand what you just said.”

      “It’s our duty as dogs to keep the cats humble. That’s what this life is all about.”

      “I’ll be derned.”

      “Are we ready? Break!”

      We broke the huddle and returned to Sally May’s rotten little cat, the same one who thought he was smart enough to trick the entire Security Division. Ha. Little did he know. This time, we had the little sneak exactly where he wanted us.

      I marched over to him. “Okay, Pete, the Ranch Council wants an explanation of that last remark you made.”

      “Oh really. Which one was that?”

      “Your suggestion that I might be too old or lazy to chase turkeys.”

      “Oh, that one!”

      “Did you say that in hopes of provoking me into chasing the turkeys? In other words, was this another of your slimy tricks? And don’t forget that you’re under oath.”

      “Well, just darn the luck. How can I lie, cheat, and steal if I’m under oath?”

      “You can’t.”

      “So…you’re saying that I have to tell the truth?”

      “That’s correct, and the Council is waiting to hear your answer.”

      He rolled over on his belly and began clawing the grass. “Well, Hankie, you’ve got me backed into a corner, and if I must tell the truth, here it is.” He widened his eyes and spoke in a creepy tone of voice. “Of course I was hoping to trick you into chasing the turkeys. What else would you expect a cat to do?”

      Drover and I exchanged glances. “The Council will take a two minute recess. Don’t leave, Kitty.” I jerked my head at Drover and we went back to Chambers for a conference.

      You’re probably aching to know what we said in Chambers. Sorry, but these conferences are highly classified and nobody gets into the room without going through Security. If you don’t flash the right badge, you don’t get in, period. Sorry.

      Oh, what the heck, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let you in, but you have to promise not to blab this around, okay?

      Here we go.