The Case of the Missing Birddog. John R. Erickson

pattern here? No, we couldn’t risk a disaster, so I . . . well, I began chewing my paw, and we’re talking about serious bites. Kack-kack-kack. I was in the midst of this Anti-Moonbeam Procedure when . . .

      Drover was there, grinning down at me. “Oh, hi. What you doing?”

      “I’m . . . it’s very complicated, Drover, and I’m not sure you’d understand.”

      “I’d say you’re chewing your paw, is what I’d say.”

      I tore myself away from my business long enough to give him a stern glare. “Sit down, son, I’ve got some news for you.”

      “Uh-oh. Good or bad?”

      “Both. Sit down.”

      “Can we skip the bad news? I hate bad news.”

      “Just sit down. We’ll take the bad with the good.” He sat down. “Drover, the bad news is that the Earth is being bombarded with Deadly Moon­beams.” He gave me a vacant stare and said nothing. “Hello? Did you hear what I just said?”

      “Yeah, but I can’t figure out if that’s good or bad.”

      “It’s bad. How could Deadly Moonbeams be good?”

      “I’m not sure. I’ve never seen one.”

      “Because they’re virtually invisible, Drover, and therefore hard to see.”

      “Maybe that’s why I’ve never seen one.”

      “That’s what I just said. That which is invisible can’t be seen.”

      “I’ll be derned. I never would have thought of that. What’s the good news?”

      “The good news is that we now know why you’ve been chewing your paw. It has nothing to do with your being a moron.”

      “Oh good.”

      “There’s a reason for it, a scientific reason.”

      “Yeah. I’m bored.”

      “No, it’s much more complicated than that. You see . . .” At this point, I launched myself into a full and complete scientific explanation of this mysterious process. Would you care to listen in? I must warn you: it’s pretty complicated. If you think you can handle heavy-duty scientific stuff, keep on reading.