My mom Florence, 1955
My mom Florence and my grandma Lena Mador, 1955
1. You are always working hard
You have developed a strong work ethic; you are usually the first one to start and the last one to finish. Without question you will notice tasks that need to be done and complete them without being asked. You are always willing to go the extra mile to finish a project or achieve a goal for others. Even though you have this strong work ethic, it seems as if no one takes notice of how hard you are working. Others around you appear to reap the rewards even though they are not working as hard as you. The problem here is that you remain in a constant holding pattern as you never ask for what you deserve but instead wait until it is given, and often it is never given.
2 Your emotions live at the surface
Every woman fears that moment of the dreaded tears when having a difficult conversation. I would say to myself, Please don’t cry, please don’t cry, as I headed into a meeting. At the highest level of my career, I was working around men almost exclusively. I was the only woman at the boardroom table, and all the executives around me were men. I’d go into a meeting knowing that I had to have a difficult conversation. I was always trying to figure out how to express it in ways that I felt would be acceptable to others. Then I would cry!
The men would look at me with puzzled faces. They didn’t know what to do. Some would offer tissue and say, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” But you could see on their faces that they were judging me in exactly the ways I feared. You could read the judgment on their faces: She’s too emotional. She can’t control herself.
But the reason why you are crying has nothing to do with being too emotional or not being able to control your emotions. The problem is that you’re not living within your full sense of worthiness. And when you do not feel fully worthy, you do not speak out for what you want or stand up for what you deserve. When you continue to hold this below the surface, your emotions bubble up and run over, not because of what is happening in the moment but from not standing up for yourself over a long period of time.
3. You feel resentful
That feeling of resentment you keep hidden stems from always giving to others but not receiving in return.
The last lesson my mom taught me before she died at ninety-two was about the negative impact of holding resentment. My mom lived her life for her husband and children, and I never heard her complain about that. It wasn’t until I visited her in the nursing home a few days before she passed away that she shared this truth with me.
I came for a visit, and perhaps because she had a bit of dementia (I think this is why because not once had she ever said this to me before) my mom said, “Tammy, I need you to promise me this one thing. You must go out and live your life to the fullest. I gave all my life to my children, and I love you. I love all of you. But I didn’t do anything for me. Tammy, you know I loved all my children, but now at this point, I regret not ever doing anything for myself. Don’t do that. Go out, go now, and do everything that inspires you, because before you know it…
“One day, Tammy, if you live long enough, you will be standing in my shoes; your time will have run out and it will be too late. Time will go by fast, and if you don’t go after your dreams, if you don’t follow what makes you happy, you will resent it. And it will be too late to fix it.”
My mom had many talents. Talents as a homemaker, as a mother, at anything I ever saw her attempt. She was also a talented writer. It was only when I was older and going through some of the family photo albums that I discovered Mom loved to write.
I found dozens of poems and short stories written on pieces of paper, probably written late at night when she had a moment to herself. And she was good!
She never pursued this passion, though. She never put herself first.
Mom would keep these poems she wrote tucked away on scraps of paper, writing late at night when she had moments to herself. I have several of these poems. After she passed away, I said, “You know what, Mom? We’re going to make you an author.” And in honor of my mother we created a book of her poems. If it’s okay, I will share one with you right now that she wrote for me.
You have a lot of inspiration. And a lot of talent too. You’re a credit to your family and we are proud of you. You had some fears and cried some tears, but you’re determined to go on. I always will be here for you, to keep you calm and strong. You are a treasure, that’s what you are. There is no doubt, you are a star. Love your mom.
One of my favorite memories of my mom is when she wrote her name. She would always say, “I have eight letters in my first name and eight letters in my last: Florence Pyykonen.” Thank you for allowing me to honor my mom by sharing that poem with you. If you constantly give to others and get nothing in return, if you always put everyone else first, you will end up living in resentment.
Giving to yourself first, putting yourself first, is not selfish; it is a magical gift that you give to others. It sets an example for them to follow. It shows them the roadmap for a passion-filled life.
From a place of full worthiness, you can offer others the highest version of you! And what could be better than that? Nothing!
What are you putting off until tomorrow? Don’t wait until it’s too late and your time has run out.
The Aha Moment
If you are feeling the signs of an empty worthiness tank and this narrative resonates with you, I need you to know something. You don’t need to live that way. You deserve to live the life you are most passionate about.
I want to share with you how three little words changed my life. They came in response to a question I asked my doctor. I was thirty-six years old, diagnosed with stage two breast cancer.
“Am I going to die?” I asked. He spoke words that have become my reset button.
“I don’t know,” he said. I don’t know. In that moment, in that doctor’s office, I took those three little words as a revelation. I realized I had run out of hope. I had run out of time. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of regret. Regret for the things I hadn’t said. That I hadn’t done. But mostly for all the things I would never have a chance to become.
I must tell you; I can still feel being in that room, in that moment of despair. Oh my God, how can it be over? What do you mean I’m going to die? I don’t have any more time left? I hadn’t written all I wanted to write. I hadn’t traveled or danced. I hadn’t done any of the things I’d whispered quietly to myself. I hadn’t done any of that because of my belief that I didn’t follow the right path. That success was not for me. That I wasn’t good enough. I was not worthy.
That was the day death became a close reality for me instead of a distant event that would take place far off in my future. None of us considers our mortality until we are faced with a life-threatening situation. However, you don’t need to wait for that; you can learn from my lessons. I made a promise to myself that day that if I lived, I would never face that feeling of regret again.
That one moment took me on an extraordinary journey travelling from deep despair and overwhelming regret to being able to follow my true passion and live my life beyond what I had ever dreamed possible for myself as a young girl.
That moment of regret started a twenty-year journey for me. I’ve been twenty years cancer free now. My journey started with a commitment