He says he generally falls in love with a man at first sight—as a rule, some one older than himself and of higher class—and longs to sleep and be with him. In one case he fell in love with a man twice his own age, and would not rest until he had won his affection. He does not much care what form the sexual relation takes. He is sensitive and feminine by nature, gentle, and affectionate. He is neat and orderly in his habits, and fond of housework; helps his mother in washing, etc. He appears to think that male attachments are perfectly natural.
HISTORY XVIII.—Englishman, born in Paris; aged 26; an actor. He belongs to an old English family; his father, so far as he is aware, had no homosexual inclinations, nor had any of his ancestors on the paternal side; but he believes that his mother's family, and especially a maternal uncle who had a strong feeling for beauty of form, were more akin to him in this respect.
His earliest recollections show an attraction for males. At children's parties he incurred his father's anger by kissing other small boys, and his feelings grew in intensity with years. He has never practised self-abuse, and seldom had erotic dreams; when they do occur they are about males.
His physical feeling for women is one of absolute indifference. He admires beautiful women in the same way as one admires beautiful scenery. At the same time he likes to talk with clever women, and has formed many friendships with frank, pure, and cultivated English girls, for whom he has the utmost admiration and respect. Marriage is impossible, because physical pleasure with women is impossible; he has tried, but cannot obtain, the slightest sexual feeling or excitement.
He especially admires youths (though they must not be immature) from 16 or 17 to about 25. The type which physically appeals to him most, and to which he appeals, is fair, smooth-skinned, gentle, rather girlish and effeminate, with the effeminacy of the ingénue, not the cocotte. His favorite to attract him must be submissive and womanly; he likes to be the man and the master. On this point he adds: "The great passion of my life is an exception, and stands on an utterly different level. It realizes an ideal of marriage in which neither is master, but both share a joint empire, and in which tyranny would be equally painful to both. But this friendship and love is for an equal, a year younger than myself, and does not preclude other and less creditable liaisons, physical constancy being impossible to men of our caliber."
Pedicatio is the satisfaction he prefers, provided he takes the active, never the passive, rôle. He is handsome, with broad shoulders, good figure, and somewhat classic type of face, with fine blue eyes. He likes boating and skating, though not cricket or football, and is usually ready for fun, but has, at the same time, a taste for reading.
He has no moral feelings on these matters; he regards them as outside ethics, mere matters of temperament and social feeling. If England were underpopulated he thinks he might possibly feel some slight pangs of remorse; but, as things are, he feels that in prostituting males rather than females he is doing a meritorious action.
HISTORY XIX.—T. N. His history is given in his own words.
"From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere. When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was fairly frequent and I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13. After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong, well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although if he only had been present I should not have done so, but welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us. About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back all these years to that night with pleasure and no feeling of shame. On one occasion, about this time, I happened to be sleeping with another young fellow (an office mate) on a holiday, when I awoke and found him handling my penis caressingly. I gently removed his hand and turned over. I thought none the less of him, but my body seemed to belong only to myself and the friend I loved. He was not an urning, I am sure, but we Were often together and I much entered into his interests and felt infinite satisfaction with life, made good progress and many friends. Our physical intimacy was repeated, he taking the active part in intercrural contact. Then he married very happily. Our friendship remains, but circumstances prevent our often meeting, and there is no longer desire on either part.
"For some years I was rather lonely in spite of friends. I was somewhat attracted to another man, but his superior social position was a defect to me. Then when about 28 I came in contact with a young man of 24, of the artisan class, but superior in ideals and intelligence to most men. I loved him at first glance and to this day. At first it was just friendship, but soon his form, voice, and thoughts entered into my very soul by day and night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home, friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world, preferably an island where we two might at least be the only white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon courage to put my arm over his chest, but I could not sleep for unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating. Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened once more, and then on a later occasion—not that it afforded me much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to ardor—I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and, although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain extent, I did not realize the true reason of his coldness. But I felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was my own action, combined with