The Ice People 38 - Hidden Traces. Margit Sandemo

to herself.

      She told herself she was fine.

      She was lying awake, looking out into the dark room she shared with Mari in Abel and Christa’s house.

      Her thoughts wandered.

      Actually, they were preoccupied with one particular event of that day, but she was trying to escape from thinking about it. Therefore, it was only an incursion in the darkness of her mind.

      There’s a war, she thought. We’re safe out here in the country, but Jonathan is in Oslo, where matters are worse.

      Why did I do that?

      Christa is concerned about food rationing. I know that. The Germans have emptied all the shops and stores and sent everything to Germany. Now only titbits are left for the Norwegians.

      How could I be so stupid? Answer a kind question like that?

      Christa has so many mouths to feed. Mum and Dad send what they can, but it’s not enough. Efraim complains that he never has anything to eat. That’s a lie because he gets at least as much as the others.

      I couldn’t even say yes, could I?

      Although I like him.

      How we’ll manage this winter is beyond me. If only I could get a job! Help Christa and Abel with money, but I can’t. I have to go to school and Christa needs me in the house in the afternoons.

      I long dreadfully for a little dog. Christa and Abel wanted to give me one, but Dad said no. Mum has such a bad allergy to all animal fur, and Mari and I won’t be staying here forever.

      Only until they find Tengel the Evil and make him slumber again.

      But when will that be? They’ve been unable to find him for two years now.

      Why can’t I be more like Mari? Laugh with the boys and flirt a bit with them?

      Of course, I sometimes want to be at home at Linden Avenue. But Mum and Dad are coming to visit, and that will be nice. I’m concerned about old Henning. I’d like to see him once more, at least. He’s ninety-one now and he won’t live forever. But I’m not allowed to go to Linden Avenue. That goes for me and Mari and Jonathan and Tova and young Nataniel most of all.

      All the children in the family. What about the grown-ups then? Do they think they’ll be able to cope better against Tengel the Evil if he strikes at Linden Avenue?

      I don’t want to lose any of them.

      Joakim was just being kind. All he wanted was for us to row out on the lake this evening. Why did I say no to something so innocent?

      I wonder how Jonathan is getting on. It’s been quite a while since he was here last. He says he’s too busy in the evenings. Does he have a girlfriend? No, I don’t think so. Anyway, he seemed secretive.

      Of course, there have been boys who’ve asked me if I’d like to go with them to the cinema and such things. It wasn’t so difficult saying no to them. But Joakim ...

      He’s so nice. Joakim has always been nice, which is why I like him so much. His attitude is completely different from Abel’s other sons.

      I could love him.

      But not like that.

      I just can’t.

      That was why I was scared.

      What am I to think about? Because no matter what I do, my thoughts stay trapped in all that! Then I can’t sleep. All night long.

      Karine was extremely lonely, locked in her constant nightmare. She realized with despair that her inability to relate to a man sensually was just getting worse and worse.

      Soon she would be as cold and dead as a stone.

      Dawn coloured the sky in a lighter tone.

      Yet another night without any sleep. Yet another day when she wasn’t able to concentrate on classwork but had to struggle against her lack of sleep every single hour.

      Yet another morning where she would meet Joakim as usual at the breakfast table and pretend that nothing had happened while her heart was aching with love and longing. But the love she could give him was only spiritual.

      The wonderful Joakim deserved better.

      If only she could be allowed to die!

      She didn’t even have the courage to face that.