‘I want that very much.’ He wanted them to be very clear on that point.
‘But, Majed, I’m not talking about the financial arrangements here. I have—’ she rolled her eyes ‘—marketable skills. I don’t doubt my ability to get another job.’
It would be so much harder with a baby, though. And they both knew it.
It took a beat longer for what she wasn’t saying to hit him. He wanted to take her hand again, to offer her silent support, but she had both hands wrapped tightly around her mug. His heart continued to pound. ‘Then tell me what you’re really afraid of.’
She lifted her gaze and the shadows in her eyes made his stomach clench. ‘I think we need to be completely honest with each other from this point forward, if we’re going to have a baby together. Don’t you?’
There was so much she didn’t know about him. And she’d need to know. He resisted the urge to lower his forehead to the table. ‘I agree.’
‘I need to be honest with you, even if it means you come to despise me.’
For good or ill, his opinion mattered to her. It was why she’d let him think she’d broken up with Superior Sebastian rather than the other way round. He couldn’t let her down now. Gently, he reached out to brush the backs of his fingers across her cheek. ‘I could never despise you. The idea is unthinkable.’
She took his hand and squeezed it before releasing it with a smile. ‘That was the right thing to say.’
Everything inside him sharpened. He sat back with folded arms, his hand still warm from where he’d touched her. ‘Now, if I can only get you to believe it. Come, tell me what you’re afraid of.’
She swallowed and her throat bobbed. ‘Majed, there’s a hole inside me—as if there’s something essential that I’m missing. And I try to fill it up with things—like my relationship with Sebastian, a relationship I knew wasn’t good for me—in an effort to distract myself from that sense of lacking something. It’s why I bounce from job to job. Once I start to feel settled in a job, the emptiness starts gnawing away at me. And...and I have to create upheaval to keep it at bay.’
He stared at her. ‘Is that why you invited me back to your apartment that night?’
‘No, that was something I wanted to do. I was feeling jubilant and happy and it felt right.’ She met his gaze. ‘The night I spent with you, I wasn’t thinking about filling up any kind of shortfall or lack inside me. I wasn’t trying to distract myself. I’m not sure I was thinking at all. I acted on impulse, yes, but on instinct too.’ Her frown deepened. ‘I felt as if I was living—as if I were properly alive. It was...exhilarating.’
It merely meant she hadn’t had time to become bored with him yet. ‘And you’re afraid that a baby won’t be a big enough distraction? You think you’ll find yourself becoming bored with the baby, the way you do with your jobs?’
Shocked eyes met his. ‘That’s not what I mean at all. No. I’m afraid that I’ll make the baby the very centre of my life—that I’ll use it to fill all those empty places inside me. That’d be wrong. It wouldn’t be fair to put that kind of pressure on a child. I have a feeling it would be shockingly unfair.’
Her honesty stunned him.
The care she was already taking for her child humbled him.
He had empty places inside him too, but he knew exactly what had caused them—the guilt and responsibility he bore over his brother’s death. How did he mean to protect a child from those?
‘You sense it in me too, don’t you?’
‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘You don’t appear to me as if some essential part of you is missing. You don’t strike me as lonely, or even as if you’re afraid of loneliness.’ She had a wide network of friends. He’d seen her with them in the bar. From the outside, Sarah’s life seemed full. ‘Before Sebastian, you were nearly a year without a boyfriend, yes? You don’t strike me as a person who needs to constantly be in a romantic relationship to feel whole.’
‘The emptiness has nothing to do with romance or loneliness. If it did, I’d be able to fill it.’
‘What does it have to do with, then?’
She shrugged but her gaze slid away. Instinct told him not to push. ‘Sarah, you don’t strike me as someone who is lacking. You strike me as someone who is searching.’
She swung back to gaze at him. ‘Searching for what?’
‘I expect you’re the only person who can answer that.’ Though he’d do anything he could to help her find the answer.
She scrubbed her hands down her face. ‘I don’t want my...lack...to hurt the baby.’
‘If we’re both aware of it as a potential problem then we can remain on our guards against it—cut it off at the pass, so to speak.’
She bit her lip but it didn’t hide the hope that flared briefly in her eyes. ‘You make it sound easy.’
‘I don’t think it’ll be easy. I think raising a child must be the most challenging thing a person can ever do in this life. I think it must also be one of the most rewarding.’
She sagged back in her chair. ‘You make me believe that I could do it.’
She could do it! And how much he wanted to do it too—with her—should scare him. Instead, it elated him.
She pointed at his list. ‘Which of these options is the most attractive to you?’
His heart thundered so loud it was all he could do to hear his thoughts over it.
She tapped a finger to the notepad. ‘Do you have a...for the lack of a better term...favourite here?’
‘Yes.’ She’d just been completely honest with him. She deserved the same in return.
‘Okay,’ she whispered. ‘Hit me with it.’
‘You want the truth? Right now?’
She moistened her lips. ‘What are you afraid of?’
‘Terrifying you.’
After a beat, she started to laugh. ‘Being pregnant terrifies me. Wondering whether I’ll be a good mother or not terrifies me. But, Majed, you don’t terrify me.’
Without another word, he pointed to the last item on the list. ‘This is my preference.’
Her quick intake of breath told him she hadn’t expected that.
‘You want us to marry?’ she whispered. ‘You want to marry me and take me and the baby to live in Keddah Jaleel with you?’
‘Yes.’ The word croaked out of him. ‘Have I terrified you?’
‘Umm...no.’
He didn’t believe her. But nevertheless it was time to tell her the truth. ‘Sarah, there’s something you need to know about me. My father is the ruling Sheikh of Keddah Jaleel...and I’m his heir.’
Her face remained blank for a disconcertingly long time before she straightened. ‘You...you mean that you’re...like a king?’
‘My father is the king.’
‘But you’ll be king one day?’
Acid burned the back of his throat. ‘Yes.’ Maybe.
‘And if we marry, and our child is a boy, he’ll one day be king too?’
He had to force his answer out. ‘Yes.’
She folded her arms tightly in front of her. ‘Okay, you can now colour me terrified.’