A Guide to the Scientific Career. Группа авторов

only three things really matter: location, location, and location. For the kinds of characters we've been talking about, no matter what the situation, only three things really matter to them: position, position, and position! As unfathomable to most folks as this seems, it's the most crucial thing for you to keep it in mind. Whether you're dealing with a manipulative or otherwise character‐impaired client, co‐worker, supervisor, or colleague, just remember that their life script is all about gaining advantage, so you always need to be proactive in keeping the field of play (i.e. the nature of the interpersonal interaction) as level as possible. You can expect them to seek the upper hand. But you can't trust them with any position of advantage and you certainly can't allow them to set the rules of engagement. You have to do that, and both proactively and early on in any encounter. That's your best protection.

Scott Peck (1983) called many of these folks “people of the lie” and claimed that because they fear being exposed more than anything else, calling them on their game is enough to arrest matters. But I have found this to be both untrue and really bad advice. Remember, folks who always have to be in the dominant position can be particularly vindictive when they think you've called them on their game, gained the upper hand, or especially if they feel you've defeated them. And when “outed,” covert‐fighters can become more openly, fiercely, and unscrupulously aggressive. That's why it's so important for you to set the terms of engagement and to do so early on in your encounters with character‐impaired people.

16.5 Tips for Setting the Terms of Engagement

      To set the terms of engagement effectively, you must observe these general rules:

       Do your best to avoid direct contests, and avoid trying to expose. Covert characters will eventually expose themselves, and contests with them inevitably escalate to everyone's disadvantage. Do your best to look for the potential “win‐win” in your relations with them. And when fashioning a win‐win scenario appears impossible and it looks like they might be facing the possibility of defeat, you need to be prepared for consequences and have an action plan ready if recriminations ensue.

       When you assert yourself on principle, stand your ground and don't let any of the tactics a manipulator might throw your way sway you. The manipulator's tactics will “invite” you to mistrust your gut and to buy into their distortions and misrepresentations. Stick to your principles and trust your instincts. They will guide you.

       Be open and direct in your dealings and communications. Expect the same from those with whom you engage. When you ask a simple direct question, don't settle for anything less than a simple, direct answer. And when you lay your cards openly on the table, don't accept an evasive or noncommittal response.

       Make sure you have a strong support system and have proactively fashioned for yourself some viable alternatives if the situation involving the character‐impaired person you've been dealing with deteriorates or becomes impossible.

It would be simply impossible to list all the steps you might take to empower yourself in your relationships and lessen your chances of being manipulated (in In Sheep's Clothing, I outline 12 of the more important “tools of empowerment”). But your intuition will guide you to a host of other empowering possibilities once you keep firmly in your mind that we live in a very different age – the age of character disturbance – and you stop assuming that everyone you meet is a frightened, insecure, unconsciously well‐defended, anxious neurotic like Freud believed, accepting instead that there are more self‐centered, grandiose, entitled, unscrupulous, calculating, and sometimes surreptitious fighters out there these days just waiting to get the better of you. Once you've made peace with that reality, heightened your awareness about such folks, know how to spot them, and understand how they tend to think and act, you've already empowered yourself substantially. And once you accept the notion that it's incumbent upon you to proactively define the terms of engagement with them and you understand the basic principles of doing so, it will become clearer to you with each encounter how to respond to their manipulations and maximally empower yourself.

Reference

      1 Peck, M.S. (1983). People of the Lie. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Section III Research Ethics