It all started when my friend Bernard came up to me at school with a glum expression. It was the Friday before half-term break, so he should have looked happy. (I know I was happy to have a week of NO SCHOOL!)
‘Guess what?’ he said.
‘What?’ I replied. ‘You look sadder than an alien zapped twice through a wormhole.’
‘It’s even worse than that,’ he said, still frowning. I was glad that Bernard had started watching SPACE BLASTERS, so he TOTALLY got the wormhole reference.
‘Worse? What could be worse than that?’
‘Being zapped four times,’ chimed in Zoe. She had also started watching the show. ‘And then being VAPOURIZED!’
‘Okay, okay. Fine. There are worse things,’ I said quickly. Zoe really liked the show. She had caught up on all the old episodes and had even got her brothers and sisters to watch it with her. ‘We can probably assume Bernard isn’t going to be zapped or vaporized.’
‘Or IS he?’ Zoe said in a spooky voice. ‘Stranger things have happened in space!’ Captain Jane always says that on SPACE BLASTERS.
I gave her a high five for that one.
‘YOU GUYS. I HAVE TO GO CAMPING!’ Bernard wailed. ‘In the WOODS!’
Oh. That was worse than being zapped twice through a wormhole.
We met again at lunch to strategize, in our usual meeting spot by the fence.
‘It won’t be that bad . . .’ I said unconvincingly.
‘BEARS, SAM! BEARS! Just think of the bears!’ Bernard said.
‘And the bugs,’ added Zoe, wrinkling her nose. Then, as an afterthought. ‘I don’t mind bugs, actually.’
‘Maybe you’ll have fun?’ I said, still trying to be enthusiastic for Bernard’s sake. ‘Think of it like an adventure.’
‘Remember all the research we did on sharks?’ Bernard said.
I nodded. ‘But there won’t be sharks in the woods, Bernard.’2
‘Well, bears are basically the sharks of the woods. They don’t have any natural predators. JUST. LIKE. SHARKS.’
‘Maybe they’ll be hibernating!’ I said.
‘They hibernate in the winter. Does it LOOK like winter right now?’ said Bernard, pointing at the sun.
It is never a good idea to try to out-fact Bernard.
‘I think camping sounds kind of cool,’ said Zoe. ‘I went once when I was little with my family.’
‘But you had your brothers and sisters to play with,’ Bernard pointed out. ‘It’ll just be me and my dad. And the “great outdoors” as he calls it.’
Bernard lives with his dad. His mum lives somewhere else and sometimes he goes to stay with her.
I patted Bernard on the back. ‘You can do it,’ I said. ‘I believe in you.’
This is what Spaceman Jack always says to a crewmember when they have to do something they don’t want to do.
‘I’d go with you if I could,’ I added, feeling especially Spaceman Jack-ish. He is my favourite character on SPACE BLASTERS.
‘I would go too!’ said Zoe.
‘You would?’ Bernard’s eyes were huge. ‘Even with the risk of bears? And poison ivy?’
I nodded. ‘Of course I would. That’s what friends are for.’ I said this thinking that there was no way I’d have to go with him.3
I WAS WRONG.
When I got home from school that day, there was a surprise waiting for me.
But NOT the fun kind, like a present. Or a surprise new episode of SPACE BLASTERS.
It was my cousin Stanley from Hong Kong.
And he was staying in MY ROOM. For TWO WEEKS!
Stanley is only two years older than me, but he thinks he’s a teenager.
‘What’s happening, little cuz?’ he said, sitting on MY bed.
‘I’m not little,’ I said. ‘Please get off my bed.’
‘Your mum says it is my bed while I’m here,’ he said. ‘That’s your bed.’ He pointed to a pillow and blankets on the floor.
And then, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Stanley went across my room, opened Fang’s cage AND PICKED FANG UP.
‘Who is this little guy?’ he said.
‘Put down Fang! He’s VERY dangerous,’ I said in my most serious voice, so that Stanley would understand the current danger he was in. ‘And he’s not little either!’
‘This baby snake’s dangerous? You should see the snakes in Hong Kong. Pythons that are bigger than you.’
‘Fang is NOT a baby,’ I said. I wanted to grab Fang out of Stanley’s hands, but I wasn’t sure how to do that without making Fang angry. No matter what Stanley said, Fang is dangerous. Only the bravest people can handle him. Like me. And occasionally my sister Lucy. ‘I’ve been to Hong Kong. And I never saw a snake bigger than me – or Fang!’
I’ve never actually seen ANY snakes in Hong Kong, but I didn’t need to share that detail.
I stormed out of my room and went to find my mum in the kitchen. She was on the phone speaking Cantonese.
‘Mum!’ I knocked on the table in front of her to get her attention. ‘MUM!’
She ignored me and carried on. ‘He arrived safe and sound,’ she said down the phone. She must have been talking to Stanley’s parents in Hong Kong. ‘We’re so glad to have him here.’
I stuck my tongue out.
My mum gave me a mum glare, which is significantly worse than a normal glare. ‘Stop that!’ she mouthed.
I sat down next to her at the table and kicked the floor. I couldn’t believe that my mum was making me give up my bed for Stanley!
My little sister Lucy came running in, her cat Butterbutt in her arms.
‘STANLEY’S