‘What if I told you I do plan to m-marry? That is, I hope to…’ he said, his voice low.
He looked hesitant, his warm eyes filling with a light that could only be described as adoring. Rowenna blinked. The conversation had taken an unexpected, but not unwelcome, turn. Her heart began to race, drumming a beat beneath her ribs that felt violent enough to break them.
‘Tell me,’ she breathed.
She would accept him, of course. For years she had idly daydreamed that Robbie would return and marry her since his jest the night before he had left. She had never met another man she preferred and she would be able to enjoy her stay in York without the task of trying to find a husband who would marry a bastard’s daughter.
‘Her name is M-Mary.’ Robbie’s eyes burned with passion.
A deep blush rose to Rowenna’s throat. She hoped it would not creep higher than the top of her bodice. He loved someone else, not her. Embarrassment filled her belly, made her writhe inwardly, and for once she was thankful for the lessons that had been drummed into her by Lady Danby. How fortunate she had not blurted out the answer to a question that had not been asked, nor ever would be.
‘Is something wrong?’ Robbie was waiting patiently for her reaction with a solemn expression that made him look vulnerable despite his strength and height. Rowenna shook herself from her reverie and waved a hand as if blowing away cobwebs.
‘I just thought… After you mentioned Sir John’s mistake, I thought you were going to ask me. Can you imagine? How foolish you must think me!’
She giggled to show how amusing the idea was. Robbie looked confused, then gave a quiet laugh.
‘Who is your Mary?’
‘She is Sir John’s niece.’
A knife buried itself in Rowenna’s breast. Of course Robbie would have been introduced to many young women. That was one of the intended consequences of living in another nobleman’s household. The letters she and Robbie had exchanged had always been warm and affectionate, but ink and parchment could not compete with a flesh-and-blood woman. Rowenna had been cloistered away in the middle of the moors as surely as if she had taken holy orders.
The disappointment that was beginning to fill her belly felt too acute for the dashing of a hope she had not even been completely aware of and she couldn’t honestly say at that moment whether she was more envious of Mary for capturing Robbie’s heart, or of Robbie’s opportunities to meet lovers.
Robbie’s eyes took on a faraway look. Rowenna wanted to clap her hands in his face to wake him from his daydream.
‘She has golden hair and the bluest eyes you could imagine. She is tall and slender and graceful.’
Everything Rowenna was not.
‘You wrote nothing of this to me!’ She slipped her arms around his neck and scolded him in as light-hearted a manner as she was able to muster. Robbie slid his arms around her waist. How cruel that he could touch her in such a tantalising, tormenting way and suspect none of the emotions that swelled inside her.
‘And does your Mary return your affection?’ she asked.
‘I do not know. I have never spoken to her. She arrived only last month from a convent and already has m-many suitors.’ Robbie looked wistful. ‘You know I struggle to speak, but if I prove myself worthy in the tournament perhaps I can find the courage.’
Rowenna raised her eyebrows in astonishment. ‘You don’t know if she cares for you, but you intend to ask for her hand?’
Robbie looked doubtful. He was still embracing Rowenna as he talked about Mary, which no devoted suitor should contemplate. She unwound her arms from about Robbie’s neck and took his from her waist, holding them before her.
‘I did not believe you to be so bold. I wish you luck, if that is what you desire.’
‘And what of you?’ Robbie asked. ‘Does anyone own your heart?’
Rowenna walked to the window, tossing her hair back over her shoulder breezily so he didn’t read the answer in her eyes. ‘Who is there in Ravenscrag who could? That is why I begged Mother and Father to let me come to York during the tournament. To find a husband.’
Did his smile falter? Was the slight twitch of his eyelid any indication that this news was unwelcome to him? Rowenna gave a careless laugh that belied the longing that was now churning within her breast.
She peered out of the window across the city. Who else was arriving for the tournament, preparing to be knighted, seeking someone to fall in love with? Robbie was not the only man in York. There was no need for him to ever know that he had been one of the potential suitors she had hoped to attract. If he thought her affections lay elsewhere, that might spark his interest.
‘I intend to marry well, Robbie. I won’t settle for anyone less than a knight or nobleman. Or a merchant who is hugely wealthy, at least. Then I’ll take him to Wharram Danby and parade him before Lady Stick and she’ll have to admit she was wrong.’
Robbie looked surprised at her ferocity. ‘Do you w-want a loving husband or a prize stallion to show off?’
She burst into peals of laughter and was pleased to see Robbie start to grin.
‘You once promised you would find me a husband, do you remember? On our last night together.’
‘Yes. I do.’ Robbie gave her studious look and she wondered if he was recalling what he had said just before he had promised that.
‘I’m not sure I know anyone worthy enough to do you credit.’ His face broke into a grin. ‘Or brave enough.’
She laughed and swiped a hand out to bat him on the arm as she had used to. Not ladylike, but intimate in a way she would not dare to be with anyone else. He reached out and caught her wrist, trapping her hand in his. They stood together in the shadowy storeroom, hands clasped. Rowenna squeezed his fingers.
‘I’ve missed you.’
‘And I you,’ Robbie said. ‘May we both find what we’re looking for and achieve the happiness we deserve.’
He kissed her cheek, then ducked through the low doorway. Rowenna rinsed the cups and left them to dry. When she returned, Robbie was at the door, bending to kiss his mother’s cheek. He gave Rowenna a wink and left.
As she prepared for bed, Rowenna’s thoughts kept returning to the way her heart had leapt as Robbie mentioned marriage. She could be happy with him.
Most of the times when she had imagined the grand knight whom she would marry to prove she was a lady, he had borne Robbie’s face. Now they were reunited she could not shake the image from her mind. The disappointment had been over Robbie, not envy for his opportunities.
She sighed deeply as she unlaced the ribbon of her bodice, causing Lisbet to give her a strange look. She slipped into bed, wriggling down between the twins, and closed her eyes.
The way Robbie had spoken about Mary sounded more like infatuation than true love. He barely knew Mary and would be slow to muster the courage to speak to her. Meanwhile Rowenna would contrive to spend as much time with him as she could. Robbie’s affection might kindle into a hotter flame than the one that burned for Mary. And if it didn’t, then as she had told him, there would be men aplenty to win her heart.
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