We Are Not Okay. Natália Gomes

but the same fear of the future, of change? What if I start a family someday and then decide to abandon it, like him? What if I’m the one that changes, or worse, the one that can’t change?

      I missed him a lot that day.

      I still miss him, even now after all these years.

      It’s weird to miss someone you don’t remember, right?

      How can you miss someone whose voice you’ve never heard, whose face you’ve never touched? How can you miss someone that you know nothing about? Does he like football? Does he still have a beard or does he prefer to shave every morning? Does he have an allergy to peanuts or shellfish or anything like that? What’s his favourite colour? What does he do all day with his time? Is he married again? Hopefully not, because I think legally he’s still married to Mum and I’m pretty sure it’s a crime to get married twice.

      Did he have more children? Do I have a half-brother or half-sister somewhere out there?

      Does he think about me? At one point, did he ever want to have a relationship with me?

      We could have written each other, sent postcards, talked on the phone, FaceTimed. Maybe if he was rich he could have flown me to Ibiza and I’d tell everyone at school that my dad works in the clubs in Ibiza and can get me in for free.

      But I don’t live in that fantasy. In reality, I have no idea where my dad is and no idea what he even looks like now.

      No, I don’t have the perfect life. Far from it.