Plus, she and Nathan had met here a lot back in those days. Those memories were imprinted on the tiny apartment, with its outdated, yet cozy furniture. If she tried, Amanda thought she’d be able to hear his voice, whispering to her in the dark.
She didn’t try.
Instead, she concentrated on what he’d had to say that morning. Or rather what he hadn’t said.
“He didn’t want to talk anything through,” she said to the empty room and paused, as if waiting for the shadows to agree with her. “He only wanted to let me know that seeing me again meant nothing. He was trying to lay down the rules. Just like before. He tells you what things will be like, lays out his orders, then steps back, giving you room to follow them.”
Well, he was in for a shock. She didn’t take orders anymore. In fact, looking back at the girl she had once been made her nearly cringe. Back then, she’d been young enough and in love enough, that she had never once argued with Nathan—at least until that last night. When he announced his choice of a movie, she hadn’t said she hated action movies. She’d never told him that she didn’t like going to car shows or that she found fishing to be the most boring activity in the world.
Nope. Instead, Amanda had sat through countless movies where the only storyline revolved around demolition. She’d spent interminably long days watching Nathan fish in local streams and rivers and she didn’t want to think about the hours lost staring at car engines.
Looking back now, Amanda couldn’t believe how completely she’d given herself up to Nathan. Then, he was all she had cared about. All she thought about. And when everything fell apart between them…she’d had no idea what to do with herself.
It had taken a while to find her feet. To find Amanda. But she’d done it and there was no going back now—even if she wanted to, which she so did not.
Lifting her chin, she narrowed her eyes on the fan blades as if facing down Nathan himself. “I’m all grown up now, Nathan. I’m not going to roll over and speak on command. I don’t need you anymore.”
As her own words rang out in the room, Amanda gave a tight smile. Good words. Now if she could just believe them.
Oh, she didn’t need Nathan like she had then. Like she had needed air. Water. No, now what she needed was to get rid of the memories. To clear Nathan Battle out of her mind and heart once and for all, so she could move on. So she could stop remembering that when things were good between them, they were very good.
What she had to concentrate on, she told herself firmly as she leaped off the couch to pace the confines of the small living area, was the bad parts. The times Nathan had made her crazy. The dictatorial Nathan who had tried to make every decision for her. The man who had insisted they marry because she was pregnant, then the minute that pregnancy was over, had walked away from her so fast, she’d seen nothing but a blur.
That was what she had to remember. The pain of not only losing the baby she’d had such dreams for, but also realizing that the man she loved wasn’t the man she’d thought he was.
If she could just do that, she’d be fine.
She walked to the galley-style kitchen and rummaged in the fridge for some of yesterday’s leftovers. Working with food all day pretty much ensured that she wasn’t hungry enough to cook for herself in the evening. But tonight, pickings were slim. A bowl of the diner’s five-star chili, a few sandwiches and a plate of double-stuffed baked potatoes that hadn’t sold the day before.
None of it looked tempting, but she knew she had to eat. So she grabbed the potatoes—and a bottle of chardonnay—then closed the fridge. She pulled out a cookie sheet, lined the potatoes up on it and put it in the oven. Once the temperature was set, she poured herself a glass of wine and carried it with her to the doll-sized bathroom.
It only took her a few minutes to shower and change into a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a tank top. Then she took her wine and walked barefoot back to the living room to wait for dinner.
The crisp, cold wine made the waiting easier to take. Heck, it even made thoughts of Nathan less…disturbing. What did it say about her, she wondered, that even when she was furious with the man, she still felt that buzz of something amazing?
Sad, sad Amanda.
In the years since she and Nathan had broken up, she hadn’t exactly lived like a nun. She’d had dates. Just not many. But how could she think about a future when the past kept rising up in her mind? It always came back to Nathan. When she met a man, she waited, hoping to feel that special zing she had only found with Nathan. And it was never there.
How could she possibly agree to marry someone else if Nathan was the one who made her body burn? Was she supposed to settle? Impossible. She wanted what she’d once had. She just wanted it with someone else.
Heck, she had known Nathan was there the minute he’d walked into the diner. She hadn’t had to see him. She’d felt his presence—like the electricity in the air just before a thunderstorm. And that first look into his eyes had jolted her so badly, it had been all she could do to lock her knees into place so she wouldn’t melt into an embarrassing puddle of goo.
No one else had ever done that to her.
Only him.
She took a sip of her wine and shook her head. “This is not a good sign, Amanda.”
It had been years since she’d seen him, touched him, and it might as well have been yesterday from the way her own body was reacting. Every cell inside her was jumping up and down, rolling out the red carpet and putting on a party hat.
But there weren’t going to be any parties. Not with Nathan, at any rate. She’d never get him out of her system if she let him back in.
Trying to distract herself from the hormonal rodeo going on inside her, she walked to one of the windows overlooking Main Street and looked out at Royal. Only a few cars on the road and almost no pedestrians. The silence was staggering. Streetlights dropped puddles of yellow light on the empty sidewalks and, above the town, a clear night sky displayed thousands of stars.
Life in a small town was vastly different than what she’d known the last few years living in Dallas. There, the city bustled with life all night. Shops and clubs and bars glittered with neon lights so bright, they blotted out the stars overhead. Tourists flocked to the city to spend their money, and the nightlife was as busy as the daytime crowds.
It had been so different from the way she’d grown up, such a distraction from the pain she was in—Amanda had really enjoyed city life. At first. But over time, she had become just another nameless person rushing through the crowds, going from work to an apartment and back again the next day. Nights were crowded with noise and people and the gradual realization that she wasn’t happy.
Her life had become centered around a job she didn’t really like and a nightlife she didn’t actually enjoy. She had a few friends and a few dates that always seemed to end badly—probably her own fault since she never had been able to meet a man without comparing him to Nathan. Pitiful, really, but there it was.
Then her father passed away and, a few months later, she got the call for help from Pam. Even knowing that she would have to eventually deal with Nathan again, Amanda had left the big city behind and rushed back home to Royal.
And she had slid back into life here as easily as if she’d never left. The truth was, she was really a small-town girl at heart.
She liked a town where nighttime brought quiet and families gathered together. She liked