‘No. Really, I—’
‘Because if you think, at this date, it is possible to stop what you wished to set in progress, you are quite mad.’
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, vowing to remain calm in the face of her temper, no matter what might occur. ‘I do not wish to make more work for you, or to take you from your studies. I swear, that was never my goal. My decision to hold the ball was made in haste, and without any thought to your feelings or needs. It pains me greatly that you heard of it from someone other than myself, for it further displayed my carelessness in not coming to you immediately to explain.’
‘Apology accepted.’ She turned back to her books, as though to dismiss him.
‘Your brother was here. In my study, just now.’
That had her attention. She looked up at him in surprise. ‘Whatever did he want?’
‘He came to throw my invitation back in my face and tell me that you were unfit to attend such an event, much less be the hostess. And that I was a brute for forcing you into it.’
She laughed with little confidence and no mirth. ‘It is a pity I was not there to thank him, his faith in my emotional stability has always meant so much to me.’
‘What happened when you had your Season to give him such ideas?’
‘It was nothing, really.’
‘I do not believe you.’
She shook her head. ‘I was a foolish girl …’
He stepped farther into the room, moving toward her without thinking. ‘You might have been impetuous. But I cannot imagine you a fool. Tell me the story, and we will never speak of it again.’
‘Very well.’ She sighed. ‘The truth about my come-out—and then you will see what a ninny you have married. I have always been awkward in crowds, more comfortable with books than with people. But my father admired my studiousness and did nothing to encourage me to mix with others my age. It was not until I was seventeen, and he sought to give me a Season, that the problems of this strategy became apparent.’
Adam pulled a chair close to hers, sat down beside her, and nodded encouragingly.
‘Mother was long past, and there was little my father or brother could do to help me prepare for my entrance into society. Father engaged a companion for the sake of propriety, but the woman was a fifty-year-old spinster. She knew little of fashion and nothing of the ways of young ladies, other than that they needed to be prevented from them. I was more than a little frightened of her. I suspect she increased the problems, rather than diminishing them.’
She paused and he wondered if she meant to leave the story at that. He said, ‘So you had your come-out, and no one offered. Or were you unable to find someone to suit yourself?’
She shook her head. ‘Neither is the case, I’m afraid. Any young girl with a dowry the size of mine could not help but draw interest. Father dispensed with the fortune hunters, and encouraged the rest. And at the end of the summer, there was a young man who seemed to suit. He was a lord of no particular fortune, but he seemed genuine in his affection for me.’ She looked up at him, puzzled. ‘It was so easy, when I was with him, to behave as the other girls did. The crowds were not so daunting. I grew to look to the parties and balls with anticipation, not dread. And I did quite enjoy the dancing …’ Her voice trailed away again.
She had been in love. Adam felt a bolt of longing at the idea that his wife had known happiness, before she had known him.
She came back into the present and smiled at him, bright and false. ‘And then I overheard my beloved explaining to a girl I thought a friend that, while he loved this other girl above all things, he would marry me for my money, and that was that.
‘A sensible girl might have ignored the fact and continued with what would have been a perfectly acceptable union. Or broken it off quietly and returned to try again the next Season. But not I. I returned to the room and told the couple, and all within earshot, that I thought them as two-faced as Janus for denying their hearts with their actions, and that I would rather die than yoke myself to a man that only pretended to love me for the sake of my money. Then I turned on my heel, left the assembly rooms and refused all further invitations. My mortification at what I had done was beyond bearing. I had not wanted to draw attention to myself. I only hoped to find someone who would want me for who I was. Was it so much to ask? But my brother assured me that I had shamed the family. No one would have me, now I’d made such a cake of myself.’ She smiled, wistfully. ‘The last thing I should have done, to achieve my ends, was behave in a way that, I’m sorry to say, is very much in my character.’
Adam felt the rage boiling in his heart and wished that he could find the man who had been so callous to her, and give him what he deserved. Then he would pay a visit to her brother, and give Hector a dose of the same.
She swallowed and lifted her chin. ‘Of course, you can see that I have learned my lesson. I expected no such foolishness when I married you. If we must hold a ball and make nice in front of your friends, so be it. As long as there is no pretence between us that the event means something more than it truly does.’ She lowered her eyes and he thought for a moment he could see tears shining in them, although it might have been the reflection of the afternoon light on her spectacles.
And he reached out spontaneously and seized her hand, squeezing the fingers in his until she looked up at him. ‘I would take it all back if I could. Throw the invitations on the fire before they could be sent. You must know that I have no desire to force you into behaviours that will only bring back unpleasant memories. It was never my intention to make you uncomfortable or unhappy. And if there is anything I can do to help …’
Perhaps he sounded too earnest, and she doubted his sincerity. For when she looked at him, her face was blank and guarded. ‘Really, Adam. You have done more than enough. Let it be.’
But damn it all, he did not want to let it be. He wanted to fix it. ‘The ball will go on. There is no stopping it, I suppose. But in exchange, I will do something for you.’
She was staring at him as though the only thing she wished was that he leave her alone. What could he possibly do? It was not as if he could promise her a trip to the shops. She had made it clear enough what she thought of them, when he had forced her to go the first time. And if her mind had changed and she wished such things, she could afford to purchase them for herself.
And then, the idea struck him. ‘At the ball, we will announce that it is our farewell from society, for a time. We will be repairing to our country home. There, you will have all the solitude you could wish for. It is Wales, for heaven’s sake. Beautiful country, and the place where my heart resides, but very much out of the way of London society. Your books can be sent on ahead, to greet you in the library when we arrive. Between the house and the grounds, there is so much space that you can go for days without seeing a soul. Dead silence and no company but your books, for as long as you like.’
Her eyes sparkled at the sound of the word ‘library’. And she seemed to relax a bit. ‘This will be our only party, then?’
‘For quite some time. I will make no more rash pronouncements in public without consulting you first.’
‘And we may go the very next day?’ She seemed far more excited by the prospect of rustication, than she did by the impending ball.
‘If you wish it.’ He smiled. ‘And we will see if you prefer it to London. But I warn you, it is frightfully dull at Felkirk. Nothing to do but sit at home of an evening, reading before the fire.’
She was smiling in earnest now. And at him. ‘Nothing to do but read. Really, your Grace. You are doing it far too brown.’
‘You would not be so eager if I told you about the holes in the roof. The repairs are not complete, as of yet.