He tightened his arms around her and smoothed her hair absently. He was mellow. Hell, she was, too. It was as if sex had reset something inside of her that she hadn’t realized was askew.
“What would you run away from?” he asked.
She thought about it for a moment. She could tell him anything. That was what it felt like tonight. He was warm and comforting as he held her.
“Just all the doubts that I have,” she said. “I get so tired of wondering if I’m doing what Dad wanted. I hate that he’s not here. I wish... I almost wish he’d been sick for a little while so I could have had some warning, been able to say good-bye, but that’s selfish. He would have hated being stuck in bed, unable to take care of things around the ranch. Still, it would have been easier for me.”
He rubbed her arm up and down.
“I wish I’d been here. As much as I like being up there...I wish I’d been here for you when Mick had his accident. I wish I’d told him at least once how grateful I am for what he did for me,” Jason said.
She squeezed his wrist. “He knew.”
“Really?”
“Yes. He was very proud of you. He told everyone who came to the ranch, didn’t matter if they were delivering feed or a new stud. Dad would tell them about his ‘son’ the astronaut.”
Jason squeezed her tight and she heard his breath catch. She turned to look at him, but he’d tipped his head up toward the sky and she gave him a moment. Gave him the time he needed to get his emotions under control.
That was the thing about grief, she thought—it wasn’t just over and done. It kept sweeping along and hitting her when she least expected it. But talking about Dad tonight felt right. Felt like they both needed to get some sort of closure in regard to the man who’d meant the world to both of them and had left them so unexpectedly.
She knew that if it hadn’t been for Mick’s death, she and Jason wouldn’t be here. They would both be living their ordinary lives.
“I miss him,” she said.
“I know. What do you think he’d say about us turning part of the ranch into a training facility?”
“I have no idea,” she said. “It’s different. Is this your way of staying with NASA even if you don’t pass the medical?”
He shrugged. She noticed he did that a lot when he didn’t want to answer a question. She got it. It was easier for her to talk about him than to examine herself.
“Sort of,” he said. “Ever feel like you were born at the wrong time?”
“Not really. I’m pretty happy right where I am.”
“Yeah, I can see that. That’s probably why everything has hit you so hard with your dad,” he said. “I mean...”
She reached up and touched his face. “I get it. Why do you wish you were born in a different time?”
“Well, if I was born thirty years earlier, I could have been part of the moon landing and those missions. Twenty years later and I’d be the perfect age to land on Mars one day. Instead...”
“You are doing the work to enable others to go to Mars. To allow us to see if there is other life in the universe,” she said. “This facility—the missions you would be training astronauts for are key to the next step.”
He squeezed her tighter. “I sound like a punk, complaining like that.”
“I wouldn’t word it like that,” she said.
“No, you’re much too nice. But my buddies in the Cronus program...”
“Like who? Tell me about them. Are there any women?” she asked. “I’m friends with Jessie Odell, the adventurer, and she does some crazy-ass stuff—surviving in the wilderness, going places where very few men and even fewer women have been.”
“I’ve heard of her. Who hasn’t?” Jason said. “How do you know her?”
“We’re pen pals. After my smoking incident in the barn, Dad thought I needed a better use of my time. So he found her fan mail address—she was still doing that show with her parents—and I wrote to her. I told her about living on the ranch. She grew up on the ocean and...we connected. We both were isolated in our own ways.”
“That’s pretty cool. I felt that way when I got assigned to my first mission and started training with Dennis. He’d done a bunch of missions, but we connected. He’s like a big brother to me.”
“And now he’s the guy in charge of the Cronus program, right?”
“Yes. If I pass my medical tests, I’ll be competing for a place in his program, along with a bunch of other guys.”
“Do you know most of them?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’m probably one of the senior astronauts.”
“You’re not that old,” she said.
“Geez, thanks,” he said. “I meant because of the mission-hours I’ve clocked.”
“I know it will be very hard for you if you’re grounded permanently,” she said. “Why would you want the facility here, outside Houston? Won’t that make it even worse?”
“I’ve spent my entire career working toward manned missions to Mars and making sure we will be prepared to form a colony there one day. I need to know what’s out there. But if I’m grounded, I at least want to be involved in some way. I’d never be able to leave NASA completely.”
In his voice she heard the same pain and longing she felt when she thought about losing the ranch. He would help her save the Bar T—she knew even if they didn’t win the bid, Jason wouldn’t leave until the ranch was secure. And now she wanted to do as much for him. She would help him get into shape, do whatever he needed to be ready for his medical. Not for herself, because she was just realizing how much she’d miss him, but for him.
* * *
WELL, GETTING DRESSED wasn’t awkward at all. Molly handed him his clothes and then he followed her back to the ranch. Rina wasn’t in the kitchen, but she’d left half a blueberry pie in the middle of the table with a Post-it note that said there was homemade ice cream in the fridge.
Molly raised her eyebrows at him. “Do you want pie?”
“Yeah, and maybe some decaf,” he said. “But I need a shower.”
She tipped her head to the side, watching him with a guarded look. “I think you are all right.”
She was probably right, but now that he was back in this house he felt the walls closing in on him. He needed to get away for a few minutes. Needed time to think.
Molly was great, but she made him want things that weren’t in his plans. She made the ranch feel like...well, hell, it felt like home. And he didn’t want that. The Bar T Ranch was his temporary stopover, nothing more.
“Yeah, but I’d still like a shower. Meet me back down here in thirty?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I’m going to skip dessert and head up. I have to be up early to do chores with the men. I’ve missed them two days in a row. Jeb will give me hell if I’m not there tomorrow.”
“Okay,” he said.
The distance between them was creeping back in. Though he’d thought he wanted that, he realized he didn’t want it this way. He didn’t want to feel like he’d done or said the wrong thing. But he was pretty sure he had.
When hadn’t he said the wrong thing? “I’m sorry. It’s just...tonight was...”
“Don’t say anything else. I’m tired. Like I said, I’ve got to be up early and tonight was nice.