He couldn’t speak for anyone else. All he knew was relief that the struggle was finally over.
“Father?” Rick’s voice called to him from the bottom of the staircase after he’d let himself in the house.
“I didn’t realize you were still awake.”
“Welcome back. Kay’s asleep. I wanted to clear a few things with you before we leave for church in the morning. It’ll only take a moment, but if you’re too—”
His deacon stopped talking midsentence. He’d drawn close enough to see that Jarod was wearing a man’s regular business suit and tie. There was nothing about him to remind anyone even remotely that he’d once worn priestly robes.
Jarod had hoped to spare Rick the shock tonight, but since he was still up, maybe it was better this way. To have waited until morning would have made it harder on Rick, who’d be expected to carry on as if nothing was wrong. At least this way he’d have the rest of the night to absorb it and talk it over with Kay.
No matter how torn Jarod was to have left the priesthood, the luxury to be able to turn to your wife, whether in passion or the need for comfort, was something he craved.
“Come in my study, Rick. I have some news for you.”
Like a sleepwalker, Rick followed him inside.
“Sit down,” Jarod invited before taking his own seat behind the desk.
The other man sank into the leather chair, looking pale. “When you went on vacation this last week, Kay and I wondered if something was wrong. We thought you might be ill and didn’t want anyone to know.”
“I have been ill, Rick. So ill, in fact, that two months ago, I took the final step to get well and laid my case before the church. As of today, I’m no longer Father Kendall.”
A gasp from the other man resounded in the study.
“Tomorrow, Father Lane will be officiating as the parochial vicar until a new priest has been announced.”
Rick’s eyes filled with tears. “Why?”
“Before you and Kay moved here, I fell in love with a woman named Sydney Taylor who left over fifteen months ago. She was a high school English teacher who encouraged one of her students to get professional counseling through the church.
“Brenda Halverson was sixteen, and had just found out she was going to have a baby. Her first instinct was to end her unwanted pregnancy. Since she was terrified to tell her parents, she wrote about it in the daily journal she kept for Sydney’s English class.
“From the moment I met Sydney, who accompanied the girl to her first session with me, my life has been conflicted. At Brenda’s insistence, Sydney came to all the sessions with her, but the truth is, we couldn’t stay away from each other.
“Sometimes I’ve noticed you watching me with concern. No doubt you were witnessing my struggle to try to forget her. A few months ago I made inquiries and found out she’s still single.
“Before you attempt to dissuade me from the decision I’ve already made, let me assure you I’ve had fifteen months to search my soul for what is right for me. Fifteen months to consider what I’d be giving up. Fifteen months to realize that once I left, there’d be no going back.
“I’m not like some of the parishioners who’ve come to me because they’ve been suffering in a bad marriage and want a divorce. I love the Church. It goes without saying I love my life in it. It tears me apart to have to make a choice, but I love Sydney too much. Since I can’t have both, I’ve left the priesthood to go after her.
“You have no idea how I envy you and Kay. As far as I’m concerned, seeing you together enjoying all the blessings of marriage while you serve the Church has to be the epitome of joy in this life.”
Jarod noticed his friend’s shoulders shaking in silent grief.
“The question of married clergy has always been out there, Rick. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to put her out of my mind and heart. We’ve had no contact in all that time. Absolutely nothing. And yet…I’m on fire for her,” he whispered fiercely.
Rick’s head reared. “Then she doesn’t know what you’ve done—”
“No. But I’m convinced she hasn’t married because she hasn’t been able to put me out of her mind, either. Yet I could hardly go to her as an ordained priest.
“When I face her, it has to be as a free man. She has to see me as an ordinary male before her mind will allow her to peel away the layers of Father Kendall from her consciousness.”
“I can understand that,” he said at last. “When your petition is put through to the Vatican, will they grant you laicization?”
“Probably not. Leaving the priesthood without permission is something I’m going to have to live with. But as I’ve discovered, living without Sydney would mean I’d only half exist from here on out, which isn’t fair to the parish. That’s not the life I want to live.”
“Heaven knows I don’t blame you, Jarod. I thought I wanted to become a priest…until I met Kay.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Rick. But not many others will be as understanding. You think I don’t realize how many people I’ll be letting down, who’ve grown to depend on me? The money the Church spent on my training? The effect my leaving will have on the other priests in the diocese when they learn that Father Kendall has left the priesthood?”
“But not the Church!” Rick’s voice rang out.
“No. Never that.”
Rick let out a pained sigh. “You’re so certain she still feels the same way?”
“Deep down I believe she does, yes.”
“What if she’s changed?”
“That’s a risk I have to take.”
“Have you considered she might turn you down?”
“It’s a real possibility. But no matter her circumstances, I have to go to her unencumbered if I expect her to listen to me.”
“And if she doesn’t, you’ll have given up all you achieved in the hope that she still loves you.”
“Yes.”
By this time Rick was on his feet. He stared hard at Jarod. “Did you sleep with her?”
“No. We held each other for a brief moment when she told me she was leaving, but we didn’t do anything but ache for each other.”
A bewildered look crossed over his face. “Then—”
“It doesn’t matter, Rick. There was this feeling between us that transcends my ability to put into words. Fifteen months are gone. I’m going to be thirty-eight on my next birthday. Every minute that passes is taking something away from us we can’t get back.”
“You won’t be able to marry in the Church.”
“I know.”
“Is she devout?”
“She’s not Catholic.”
“What?”
“She was baptized in the Lutheran church, but hasn’t attended any church in years.”
“Forgive me, Father, but in your case that might help.”
A strange sound escaped Jarod’s throat. “I’m not a priest anymore, Rick.”
“You are to me.”
“Besides the Bishop at the diocese, you’ve been my closest friend. So I’m going to remind you there’s no magic solution here. It would require turning back the clock and arranging for Sydney to teach at a school anywhere in North Dakota